A Pine Barren Country

A Pine Barren Country

John sits on the back porch of the house where he and his Aunt have taken refuge since Hurricane Sandy. It sits on the edge of the Pine Barrens, a large wilderness in South Jersey.  It is the birthplace of America’s first monster: the Jersey Devil. But as he stares into the woods…it seems like the real devil is what the mind can create: a Godless life.

All the horrors of Sandy. The 80 year old couple from Staten Island. They decided to stay in their home of 50 years. In minutes, the ocean came in and they were fighting for their lives-up to their necks in black water. They floated out of a window and clung to a car. They lost everything-except each other. A father powers up a tool to cut some boards to keep the water out. His teenaged daughters see him cut his finger off as the power goes out. They hunt in the darkness and find rags to wrap around his finger. They live…but they aren’t the same. The endless financial ruin…from regular people losing expensive appliances to yachts and pleasure craft and homes of all sizes piled on the bay shore.  On TV and the Internet-the endless buying and selling and bragging and grabbing. It could all make you think of America as a heartless, Godless place.

That’s like looking into the Pine Barrens…deeper and deeper- until all you see is shadows. Move deeper, past the creek. Was that the snap of a twig behind you...someone falling? Ahead, is that a fallen tree? Or is it a man, lying in wait for you. It’s not a silly thought. There was or is a serial killer out there. He killed women near the edge of the Pine Barrens in Atlantic City and then on Long Island. Look long enough into these ancient woods and the branches and shadows take on the shape of horns and claws. What do you see?

John sees deer that look like babies even as adults. And chip monks that should be afraid of him…but sit right near him like they know he loves animals. And with Sandy, there was an outpouring of Godless horror. But there was also an outpouring of everything good in people. From people just showing up with food to celebrities holding major fund-raising events. And people will rebuild. Do we worship buildings? Love things? Really lose memories? Aren't memories about people?

Sandy showed John a Pine Barren Country-it depends on how he looks at it.

No, this is a disaster

No, this is a disaster.

Pat texting to John

Where are u guys?

John texting to Patty

I’m where people grow corn instead of getting it out of a can like normal peeps.

Pat

When did u guys decide to get out?

John

When the Weather Channel truck pulls up in front of your house…it's time to leave.

Pat

This girl is on fire-ah.  Alicia Keys

John texting

Only you can prevent forest fires. Smokey the Bear. He’s my neighbor in the Pine Barrens.

Patty

Not interested in hairy bears. Like my men smooth.

John

Nope, you aren’t that particular. You like them breathing.

Patty texting

Just for that: we are never, ever, ever…getting back together.  As your in-your-dreams girlfriend Taylor would say.

John

…and say, and say, and say in the shelter. Did you know you could play never, ever, ever getting back together 41 times in one hour…some girl did in the bunk near me in the evacuation shelter taught me that. I said I love Taylor...she's made other songs.

Patty

Laughs

John

Like ever.

Patty

Adjin did well.

John

Really

Patty texting

Got a new back seat for his car

John

Really

Patty

Yup, it was floating in Barnegat Bay. Fit right in the back.

John texting

He’s green like dat

Patty

How did your Aunt do with the disaster?

John

This is the disaster. We have to boil water before using it.

Patty

So? Your Aunt can boil water.

John

I don’t think so.

Patty

Oh come on. She’s not a good cook but she can boil water.

John

Not in the pot she just grabbed and is trying to fill. It’s the strainer pot with the holes in it that you use to strain pasta. It goes inside a pot without holes.

Patty

She must be exhausted. You could help her you know,

John

Nope I’m following my calling: talk stupid to your good friend and put it up on twitter.

Patty

Making a difference.

John

Well if I made a difference…what the heck would Jon Bon Jovi and Springsteen do?

Silence of the lamb chops

John

And so it begins. Not with a stormy night-lightening reaching like dead fingers into a shadowy hallway- the creak of the stair…just behind you. But rather, it begins as the sound of a cast iron skillet hitting the stove.

Patty

What the heck are you talking about?

John

My Aunt is going to cook dinner. The horror.

Patty

You called me for that? Like I have time…

John

Had time. I’m taking your time Clairese…and so your life. Cell phone call by cell phone call.

Patty

Eat me

John

Never say that to cannibal Hannibal Lector.

Patty

I’ll bite. What’s she making. Get it? I’ll  bite.

John

Yeah good one. I’m rolling my eyes. Anyway. Well she’s an animal lover. So she buys free range lamb chops. We want the sheep to live free…dance free across the range….until they are skinned and their legs are chopped off for worldwide consumption.

Patty

She gonna serve it with that lime stuff?

John

Yes Nordic Queen. You serve lamp with lime. Whatever you do don’t serve it with mint. That would be ignorant.

Patty

Haaaaaaaaa. K…I don’t know your food. You move to Norway. I’ll call you Johan or something in the summer as you sheperd your sheep. And you’ll be called the village idiot in the winter when you and your herd are found frozen among the reindeer in the winter.

John

Listen. She’s gonna torture them. They are sizzling. She’s pressing down on them with the spatula. The lamb chops are sizzling. But soon, we’ll have the silence of the lamb chops. That’s when there’s no juice left…and we’ll basically have dried meat. Lamb jerky.

Pat

Healthy haaaa

John

I’m gonna cut the meat up into strips. I’ll be able to put the dried meat in my shirt pocket. You know as a snack…or when we go to club Karma. Something for the ladies.

Pat

The jerk with jerky. And I’ll be his friend. Finally, I’ll have street cred.

John

Whoops. Gotta go. Aunt just said the lamb chops are ready. Pray for me.

Pat

There is no God.

John

That’s what the lamb chops said…just before they went silent.

Doesn't Look American?

                                                       Doesn’t look American?

Adjin’s shines black on the surfboard as a full, harvest moon rises over the Atlantic. The Columbus Day festival is winding down but there are still plenty of lights shining from the pier. Speaking of which…he is surfing waaay too close to the pier John thinks as he kicks the stand in frustration.

John waves his hand to move left

‘Jerrrrrrrk.’

Older Man walks up to John. They are the only two on the beach.

‘You know that guy?’

John waves at Adjin to move left, away from the pier.

‘Jerk. Move left idiot.  Yeah, he’s my friend.’

Older Man

‘Oh. I don’t know if it’s because I was on the All American float today. But I’ve been thinking about being an American. You know who we are…’

John

‘That’s good. It was a fun parade. I liked when the Catholic Bible float went by and they were trying to be cool by playing our music. And Niki Minage came on and sang: Yes I did. Yes I did. Somebody tell him who the F I is. And Father Thomas jumped onto float, ran up the mountain and almost knocked Moses off to turn off the song.’

Older Man

‘Sound funny. Didn’t see that. I saw you two on the beach and was wondering if anything weird was going on.’

John

‘So you wanted to see weirdness up close?’

Older Man

‘No. I mean.  Now that I’m up close to you…I can see you are an American but…you gotta admit your friend on the surfboard…well he could be Al Qaeda.’

John

‘Why would Al Qaeda be down the Jersey Shore?’

Older Man

‘Oh don’t kid yourself son. There’s lot’s of symbols of America…including the parade.’

John

‘That’s more of an Italian American thing. Seaside Heights is so Italian. Although judging from our bars with all the tiki’s…you might think the Italians discovered us by way of Hawaii. Maybe they were Italian Hawaiians?’

Older Man

‘You laugh but we have to protect America.’

John

‘What symbols of America are down here? The Funtown Pier?...oh wait you could be right. Instead of going to Washington DC and attacking the White House, Al Qaeda could attack the Jersey Shore House. And if Snookie and J-Wow aren’t safe…nobody is.’

Older Man

‘Laugh, but you gotta admit. Even though he’s doing a very American thing…that surfing…he doesn’t look American.’

John

‘He was born here.’

Older Man

‘What do you mean by here?’

John irritated

‘Here, on this crazy barrier island. Go to far west…you hit  Barnegat Bay…too far east…hit the Atlantic.’

Older Man

‘yeah, but Al Qaeda plants people for missions for years in the future. I’ll bet his father wasn’t born here.’

John

‘You’re right.’

Older Man

‘Ya see.’

John

‘He was born in Brooklyn and moved here.’

Older Man

‘And his mother…’

John

‘Trinidad. That’s where they first left Pakistan for…before they came to America. That was a long time ago…before Adjin or I were born…maybe not before you were born.’

Older Man

‘Ah ha. See, the immigrants always lead back to Pakistan.’

John

‘Really immigrants always lead back to Pakistan…I’ll have to tell my Aunt that. Her mother’s name was O’Shea. Never knew we were Pakistani way back. And we’re Muslims like my friend Adjin. Who knew.’

Older Man

‘You’re not taking me seriously.’

John

‘Oh yes I am. I heard everything you said. Everything.’

‘J-e-r-k!’

John looks at Older Man

‘Oh, I was talking to my friend,…not you.’

Creative Direction

The sun shines off the silver spire of the Chrysler Building outside Keith’s corner office

Keith (Creative Director)

‘So these are the ideas John gave me to fix the mess our friends made in the Delaware. ‘

Keith two pieces of paper to David

David (Art Director)

Headline: Before the Butterflies turn the sea grass tangerine.

Before the migrating Monarch Butterflies rest on the dunes-turning the sea grass tangerine

Birds from South America skip along the tide, searching for horshoe crab eggs

 Oyster men harvest their beds

People watch Cape May light disappear and whales break the surface-portside

Scientists discover new cold water coral glowing in canyons off New Jersey

We must walk along the beach,

 take in a pristine seascape,

 look behind as the tide washes away our footsteps…

like we were never there.

Keith

‘Could he sound more like a young writer-trying to get every idea in?

The second one, I took one of his thoughts and then I’m thinking a seascape dominating the impression with the logo of our less-than-green corporate friends.’

David looks at other page

Headline: We must walk along the beach,

appreciate the seascape,

 look behind as the tide washes away our footsteps…

like we were never there.

Keith                                                                                            

‘That thought and a strong beach image, makes them sound like a company of eco-committed people. And then I want a quick association with their logo.’

David

‘You know what John said to me?’

Keith

‘What? I’m lucky to be employed in a New York City advertising agency at my age.’

David

‘Nope. He said what is done in the dark will be brought to the light.’

Keith

‘Wrong. The toxic dump was brought to the light…we are bringing it into the dark.’

Keith laughs

‘Oh, come on David. Buttterflies. Seriously.’

David

‘Can I do both versions?’

Keith

‘No.’

Lady Di's ad brief

The walls of her office are covered with pictures of the Royal Family. David enters the office first and sits in the chair at the far left in front of the Account Executive’s desk. John goes to sit next to him.

David to John

‘Are you kidding me?’

John instead sits in the chair to the far right…leaving the center chair empty.

‘Why.’

Lady Di

‘Protocol. Keith is the creative director,

David and Lady Di say at the same time

‘front and center.’

They lean forward and high five each other

John rolls his eyes

Lady Di

‘we should fist bumped…high fiving is so last election’

Lady Di to John

‘So how’s the Jersey Shore?’

John

‘Just me and a man on the beach. The guy starts yelling at flocks of sea gulls to ‘get out’. They fly over his head and land right behind him. Makes him furious. Then the lifeguard yells at him to get off the beach for yelling at the birds and at me to wait ‘til there’s older surfers to go surfing.’

Lady Di laughs as Keith comes in.

Keith

‘Have we started the meeting without me?’

David exhausted

‘Noooooooooooo Keith.’

Keith

‘Well I am the…’

Lady Di

‘It’s good to be the King.’

John waves at the wall of Royals' pictures

‘Or future King.’

Lady Di

‘Nah, as a former Jewish Princess...I think Harry has more fun. Your body looks like Harry’s…only younger.’

John sees a picture of a naked Prince Harry with a red star covering his behind.

‘Only I don’t have a red star on my butt.’

Lady Di

‘No. You would get a gold star. Woo.’

Keith grabs an ad brief off of Lady Di’s desk.

‘Diane. What’s up with your client?’

Lady Di

‘They may have let a teeny, tiny bit of toxic waste leak into the Delaware River.’

Keith

‘So they need a big ad to cover up for it. We like big ads.’

John

‘We like oyster beds and horeshoe crab eggs that South American birds eat along the beaches on Delaware Bay.’

Keith

‘John is saying he can’t wait to work on your client’s ad.’

Lady Di

‘Well they must feel bad John. They live a state away from the ocean too.’

Keith

‘I’m liking the media choice. Green ads make a lot of green. We’ll get  the boys on this.’

Lady Di to David

‘You are oddly quiet today?’

David

‘High holy days.’

Lady Di

‘Oh the whole atonement thing?’

Daivd

‘No. The high part. Jewish girls taking days off gotta do something with their nights.’

Lady Di to John

‘I’m not that religious either. I think organized religion causes lot’s of problems.’

John

‘It works for me. But...in school I thought they should change the name of Germany before the East and West Germany could get back together.’

Lady Di laughs

‘Germany? Name change to what? Jewmany?’

John

‘Oh my God. Oh your God or whatever.’

David

‘And we’re done here.’

Keith, David and John turn to leave, their backsides to Lady Di.

Lady Di to John

‘Woo. John… gold star.’

Sea Gull-able

The sun rise over the Atlantic never ceases to amaze John. He sits on his surfboard on a September beach. Quiet and peaceful- with sea gulls beaks to the wind and sandpipers hunting crabs on the crimson sand. It’s so peaceful, he lays back on his surfboard and falls asleep.

A weird sound awakens him. Is that a seagull screaming. No that’s something human weird. He looks down the beach to see a skinny man running back and forth-screaming at the gulls. Weird sound from a weirdo John thinks.

Man to sea gulls

‘Get ooooooooooooooooooout!’

Since sea gulls have no middle fingers, they do the next best thing. The flock of sea gulls fly… just over the man’s head and land directly behind him.

The man turns and is furious that they would land so close to him. John thinks: really dude? These are New Jersey sea gulls…they got attitude. They don’t care… flock you.

Man to sea gulls

‘Get oooooooooooooout!’

John watches and wishes he had a supersized cherry coke... to go with the little scene going down. In the distance, John sees sand being kicked up by a big man riding a tiny dune buggy. Ahh....now you are in trouble….the lifeguard is coming to the rescue of…birds?  The lifeguard…birdguard?..turns his dune buggy sharply and stops. It sprays sand over the man. The sea gulls saw the birdguard coming and long since got out of the way.

Birdguard

‘What are you doing on my beach?’

Man

‘It’s a public beach.’

Birdguard

‘Wrong. It’s my beach and you will follow my rules. And if I catch you bothering my birds I will kick your…’

John

‘tail feathers’

Birdguard to John

‘Shut up. You’re next.’

Man

‘Ah…there’s too many of them anyway.’

Man walks towards the boardwalk

Birdguard transforms into a lifeguard again.

Lifeguard to John

‘You’re sleeping on the beach. If you are that tired, you shouldn’t be surfing. I don’t need you falling a sleep on your surfboard and drifting out to sea.’

John thinks: Is this a problem in America? Blond surfers drifting out to sea? But John says:

‘Thank you.’

Lifeguard

‘Why don’t you wait until the older surfers show up? Have some buddies out there.’

John’s mind gets caught on the ‘older surfer’ thought. His mind goes back to an episode of Modern Marvels...making sausage. It showed mushy meat being put in casements…if the casements fail…meat will fly all over the place. Kinda like older surfers stuffing themselves into wet suits. Something you just don’t wanna see. Then John thinks, but the water is 70 yet. They won’t be wearing wet suits yet.

John to Lifeguard

‘K’

Lifeguard

‘K? You thought for like 2 minutes. k!’

Lifeguard turns, hops his tiny dune buggy like a horse, and speeds off down the beach with a blast of sand.

The sea gulls land back on the beach near John. One looks at John

John to sea gull

‘I got nothing.’

A new day and an old memory

The sun turns Patty’s legs pink as she reads what John wrote in the bright sunshine on the beach.

My two thoughts on the day at dawn.

‘The sun rose red over the Atlantic. Lines of crimson spread on thin clouds as if the day was a page for me to write whatever I wanted to on.’

Or

‘The sun looked like a red bullet…red lines streaming out…like my dad’s blood on our blue carpet.

Patty

‘You shouldn’t show some of your thoughts John.’

John

‘I want to put it all out there. I had both thoughts as I saw the red sun rise over the Atlantic. One was beautiful and one surprised me…that memory is always there. I always think I see him in a crowd…I don’t usually think of the last way I saw my dad.’

Patty

‘Oh.’

John

‘But I chose to focus on the new thought…not the memory.  It made me think I’m ok…cause I still feel good about the possibilities. I mean I am in that young writer employment thing with the agency in NYC.’

Patty

‘I wish you never saw what you saw.’

John looks at the lines of blue waves endlessly moving towards shore. Are they moving from eternity or towards it?

‘I think we’re lucky to be alive…whatever we see. Or make sense of or not make sense of. ..life is an experience or group of them…I guess.’

Thanks for reading my thoughts. I’m going to go surf. Are you ok?’

Patty

‘Are you?’

John

‘No. That’s why I write. Annnd surf.’

John smiles and runs into the waves…

Patty thinks of how surfers seem eternal…like they’ll be doing that long after she’s gone. Surfing to something…or someone.

The Newbie Boardwalk Announcer

Announcements

John walks across the living room to say goodbye to Aunt Margaret. The early evening sea breeze billows the Irish lace curtains behind her in the chair. She is wearing a blue patterned Suzanne Somers lounging  outfit with matching faux cobalt blue jewelry.

John

‘I’m going to the boardwalk. Adjin is going to make the announcements. He has a script to read but it could get funny or something.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Oh. Have fun. Where is the going well bridge in New York City? That’s all they are talking about?’

John

“Never heard of it. Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Gowanus ‘

Aunt Margaret

‘Oh gowheneveryouwannas   You kids are always having fun with the way you talk.’

John

‘No Gowanus nas is a bridge. Going well bridge. Maybe it goes to Westchester…no, that would be doing well get me outta the city bridge.

John sees the TV Aunt Margaret is watching. He sees a traffic list: Bridges that are going well: George Washington, Brooklyn…He thinks OMG. Going well bridge. Decides not to correct Aunt Margaret

‘Gotta go.’

John crosses Ocean Blvd past the sand dunes. In a gazebo on the boardwalk, Patty is waiting with Father Thomas?”

Father

‘I have quite the announcement for you.’

John

‘kaaaay’

Father

‘I heard you’ve been especially missing your father lately. But your Heavenly Father is always with you…looking out for you.’

Patty rolls her eyes until Father Thomas glances around to include her and she quickly smiles.

Father Thomas

“Lutherans too.’

Patty

“Oh…yeah.’

John

“I know. I’m o.k.  I just get down.’

Then to Patty

‘And you have to get up. Adjin is going to make the boardwalk announcements.’

Patty

“Sweet. Maybe he’ll goof up and I can ride him for it.’

Father Thomas

‘Thought that was your little Muslim friend?’

John

“He is our friend.”

Patty

‘That’s why we want to make fun of him.’

Father Thomas

‘Tell him his Heavenly Father is looking out for him too.’

John

‘k. Thanks.’

Patty gets up and whispers

“where was God looking  when he gave me thunder thighs.’

John

“thunder thighs. Wasn’t that Thor’s wife?

Patty punches John’s arm as they wave goodbye to the Priest and head into the boardwalk crowd.

Within minutes of sitting down, on a bench in the middle of the boardwalk, a tapping comes over the loudspeakers that run along the beach.

Adjin’s voice

‘Hello? Hello? Hello? Is this on?

Another, older voice says

‘You are on just keep your finger on the button and read the script.’

Adjin

“Ah, it k, by eek’

Another, older voice.

“Do you see the red button on the microphone? Hold it and read the damned script.’

Loud feedback comes across the speakers making people hold their ears and laugh.

Patty holding her ears.

‘Sweet.’

Adjin’s voice

‘Good Evening and welcome to Seaside Heights, celebrating 100 years of fun since 1913…well not really 100 years.

Older voice says something to Adjin

‘No bikes or skate boards are allowed on the boardwalk after 9am. And they are a pain about it too. Those summer cops on bikes will chase you down and make you come to police headquarters- like a cop can act all kinds of hardcore on a bike.’

Older voice says something to Adjin about keeping to the script.

‘There will be Fireworks tonight at 9pm. What? Oh actually correction, they’ve been moved to Wednesday.’

Patty to John

‘The fireworks were always on Wednesdays.’

Adjin

‘Swimming is prohibited until the Life Guards return at 9am.  You don’t wanna go swimming at night…I mean have you seen Jaws?’

An older voice says something about keeping to the script.

Adjin

‘There are multi-ride tickets available for both the Funtown and Casino Piers. And if your kid is crying don’t make him go on something he’s afraid of. My friend John couldn’t even go on the horses that go up and down on the merry go round. He was afraid…but now he surfs.’

John

“I could die. I should die. No woman will want me after that announcement.’

Patty

“Nah. You’ll attract a woman who likes to boss and is looking for a man who likes to be bossed,’

John

‘I don’t like to be bossed.’

Patty

‘Yes you do.’

John

‘Whatever. I don’t want to argue.’

Patty smiles, satisfied she won.

Adjin

‘And a special thanks to the South Jersey Muslim Support Network for your kind words of support in my new job.’

Patty to John

The South Jersey Muslim Support Network. That’s impressive.’

John

‘That’s old lady O’Brien. She goes to my church. Lives in that purple-gray house by the bay. Used to be a Hippy. Now she fights for underdogs. And dogs too come to think about it.’

Adjin’s voice

‘Shoes are required on the boardwalk. You get a splinter we don’t want to be handling your sweaty old feet.

Microphone sounds like it’s being dragged.

Older man’s voice

Thank you Adjin. Nite folks.

Patty

‘Pretty funny. Now if we can have a debagging on the boardwalk…might be an o.k. nite.’

Adjin walks up to John and Patty on the bench.

Adjin

“sooo’

John

‘good’

Adjin

‘They’re gonna call me if they need me again.’

Patty

‘I’ll bet.’

A comedy script for Carolines in the city

John sits at the end of the pier in Seaside Park. Ahead to the horizon...all ocean. Patty comes up behind him.

 He hands Patty a stand up routine he wrote for a friend.

John

Danny is going to do a stand up comedy routine at Caroline's in the City.

Patty

Didn't he stutter?

John

Still does. So I played off it. He liked it. Like he's attacking a fear...or something..in mega public on stage.

Comic comes on stage at Caroline’s in the City.

Hey I’m Danny.

Brooklyn in the house?

Well I’ve gotta ask. If you are in the house…who’s in your house ripping you off? I think  Homie making himself at home with your stuff while you are here.

Oh, don’t be hating. I know Brooklyn. Grew up there….

Well…not so much grew up… as much as ducked…bullets

I went to school through two gang areas.  Wear red…you tick one gang off. Wear blue…tick off the other gang.

I wanted to please everyone. So I mixed blue and red together…which made lavender. Ticked off everyone. Who’s your Daddy? I don’t know. Awkward.

Right about now, you might ask : what’s a guy who stutters doing on a comedy showcase stage?

If you ever have an emergency…you might ask: what’s that aspiring comic who stutters doing answering my 911 call?

(Holds hand up to ear as if speaking on a phone.)

Nine, nine, nine,  one ,one. Wha, wha, what’s your emergency? La lady!  The most important thing for you to do is to stay ccccccalm while I'll send help.

Excuse me La lady…just because you are bleeding out…yes I know…bleeding out… doesn’t give you the right to hate on my speech.

911 Operators have feelings too.

Even with the stuttering thing… I got  a lot of good friends. One set me up with a job interview at a major car dealership. Big money. Mucho cho. Did I mention I stutter in two languages? English and Spanish. I’m bi-stuttero.

Anyway, I was so psyched. Then I got there and looked at the sign: Mitsubishis Motors? Really? I’m supposed to pronounce that? Couldn’t be a Fiat or Ford Dealership. I’m good with f words. Hey I’m from New York.

Tried teaching driving. Beautiful, Student Driver gets in car. She’s new at this. Keeps looking at me and not the road when she talks.  Goes to drive. I say, might, might, might wanna look before you pull out in traffic. She looks at me and asks: am I making you nervous? Noooo I stutter. We drive further. Come to the first busy street.  With that I see there’s a red light ahead. She doesn’t. She’s looking at me. I say sttaa sttaaa staa stop. She looks at me and smiles. I still think you are cute. I say I still think you should stop at this red light. She goes right through the red light…the mad busy intersection. I tell you…I didn’t see my life go before my eyes. I saw Charlie Sheen’s life. It’s a better life. Cars are honking. Fingers are going up. Blind guy being dragged by his dog is trying to give us the finger. Babies are giving us the finger. Hey, New Yorkers know how to raise their kids.  I look behind me at the now empty cross walk. Said to the Student Driver. Next time, that blind guy’s dog may not be able to drag him out of the way sooo fast.

Blind guy, on his stomach being dragged by his dog. Some people have it worst than me. I know. And  even with the job stuff…I’m doing o.k.

(takes out check book and acts like he has a cell phone to his ear again.)

Just a sec. I’ll tell you what I have in my Savings Account. Accccount Ba…ba….ba balance Say your account number now followed by the pound sign. 111 109000555.

I’m sorry…you are a valued…… entity. In order to serve  many customers quickly…your session has timed out. Let’s try again.

Say your account number now followed by the pound sign.

109000fa,fa,fa5555.

I’m sorry you are a valued…. entity. In order to serve many customers quickly…your session has timed out.

(Takes hand away from ear…puts check book away)

oh pound this Wells Fargo.

Anyway, I have money when I can get to it.

But I just don’t have time to meet a woman to spend it with. So the same friend who set me up with Mitsubishi….can anyone say the name of that car company? Anyway, my friend said he knew of the best place to meet lots of women fast. And you don’t have to have a TV show and tiger blood. Sweet.

Speed dating. Yeah, I wouldn’t have thought that would be good for me either. But I gave it a try.

I sat across from the first woman.

Said, my name is MmmmmDanny. Thought great, I got my name out….

Speed Date Specialist came up to our table,  rang a bell. Date over.

My first speed date woman said…a pleasure meeting you…and ran like hell. Guesssing she was in a hurry to get to the next date.

After the Speed Date bump…I thought enough talking. Tried to date over the Internet. Found a great girl. Great girl. Took time to learn a lot about her. Liked what she said about her family. Could see myself in her family. I could sooooo see myself in her family. She told me more.  I was like whoa. Said hold up.  Aren’t you my cousin? Awkward.

I still feel like a playa…

And I have really found my forte in this talking, talking, talking world.

Any fool can talk. I Mime.

(Draws a door in the air, walks through it, closes imaginary door, waves bye to audience and leaves stage.)

Patty

I like it.

John looks straight ahead at the ocean's horizon.

I like looking out at the ocean...no one judges me out there.

Patty

So true. You have to turn around and look towards shore. That's where we laugh at you for falling off your surfboard.

The boardwalk life

John bolts past Patty and Adjin on his front porch…almost knocking them over. A lamp shines through billowing Irish lace curtains in the living room window.

Patty

Hello?

John

Igotta get out of here.

Adjin

Did you and your Aunt have a fight?

John

Worst. She’s wearing those Suzanne Somers pajamas….…with the matching emerald green jewelry…

Patty

No that’s called ….lounge-wear.

John

…and Officer Mike is coming over.

Patty

So?

John

So what if he’s wearing cop pajamas. You know once you see something like that…it ruins ya

They cross the street to the boardwalk and dunes. Up far ahead is the Funtown Pier with it’s huge ferris wheel and roller coasters.  As they cross the street, a car full of girls yell out:

Girls yelling

Oh look.. a boy band is in town

Patty

I’m a girl. Get out of the car and I’ll kick your butts.

Adjin

Don’t yell that. We don’t need a bunch of girls jumping us.

John

No. I’m ok with that.

They walk onto the boardwalk and head towards the Seaside Park Pier.

Ajin

Any way Patty. That song is about a girl who wants to be called Maybe…cause that means she is up for something.

Patty

Are you stupid? Are you a stupid man. She’s saying this is crazy, but here’s my number. So call me….maybe?

Adjin says and looks to John for support

No. Call me Maybe!

John to Adjin

Back to the girls in the car. Do you think if we see them again…they’d jump us?

Patty jumps on John’s back.

An older couple walking by say

See, the girls are as bad as the boys.

They reach the candy store and John goes up to the counter.

Chocolate covered bacon

John turns to Patty and Adjin

You have to try this.

To the clerk

And three large cokes.

Screw Mayor Bloomberg. Nanny man.

Patty to a confused Adjin

The Mayor of New York banned large sugar drinks to everyone but John thinks he was just talking to him.

They eat the messy bacon as they walk.

John

If you eat it right…small particles get caught in your teeth and it looks like your teeth are rotten.

Patty

Why hasn’t a woman snapped you up.

Adjin

Look at the beachcomer bar. They’re adding a second level.

Patty

Yup it pays to have Snookie get punched in the face on national tv in your bar.

John to Adjin

Still leading the Jersey Shore tour around town?

Patty

Here’s where so and so hurled, got drunk, got punched, got arrested. You know the cops in this town never arrested me.

Adjin sees a fat girl and points

Thar she blows.

Since he was looking at the girl…he doesn’t see the large metal garbage can in the middle of the boardwalk and walks into it with a bang.

Teens on a bench clap

Patty

Karma. See, that’s what you get.

John to Patty

You don’t want just any cop to arrest you.  I see who you look at.

Patty

You are looking at who I'm looking at? You need to get a life.

John

I have one…this is it.

Writing the script for rocka @beckinfield

The sea oats wave in the breeze on the dunes across the boardwalk from John and Patty. A butterfly samples various reeds before settling on a neon pink rose.

John to Patty seated next to him on a bench

I guess writing the script is like that butterfly. I just sampled things from everything out there and tried to write a joke about it.

Patty keeps reading John's script.

Ah, ha.

John

Like Alyssa Milano tweeted...

Patty

Oh my God Alyssa Millano. You even bought Jennifer one of her shirts for Christmas....

John

So...ALYSSA MILANO...(John laughs) tweet about them finding the God particle...it holds mass together in the universe. But she didn't say where. So I thought of a joke...they found the particle that holds mass together. It's called the God particle. Kim Kardashian was sitting on it. I worship that stuff..

Patty laughs

I didn't read that joke in the script

John

The script had to fit in what @thatrayklein's character Rocka had been doing on @beckinfield

Patty

That's the online drama thing

John

Right. So I thought there were all these rumors of men in black etc. And I wanted to make fun of things I hate in the world....prejudice...mean people...the messed up conspiracy theories of 9/11. So I wrote A Vast Amish Conspiracy....cause they would be anti-technology but innocent. And like the nutty  people who hate Jews or Muslims or Christians anyone...I wanna make fun of them. So I wrote that script.

Rocka on Beckinfield Posting

‘A Vast Amish Conspiracy’

Written by John J Pender Jr., @nextwave05 on Twitter

Performed by Ray Klein, @thatrayklein on Twitter

INT.

FULL BODY SHOT- ROCKA PACING BACK AND FORTH

Rocka

‘Those people, those people, t-h-o-s-e people. Trying to control the media…technology, clothes…everything we hold near and dear in America. Not just controlling it…preventing it. That’s the conspiracy. Should we all wear dark colors and grow long beards. No. I must get the truth out. ‘

EXTREME CLOSE UP OF ROCKA’S FACE-LIKE THE JOKER IN BATMAN, THE DARK KNIGHT.

‘Sweet. innocent, citizens of Beckinfield.  You’ve heard the buzz-Alien and  UFO sightings are a hoax.

Was the tablet Moses brought down from the mountain not really a Samsung Tablet given to him by Aliens? Check your History Channel… citizens.

Are the balls of light photographed over Congress  just balls of rising gas?

Will the new Titanic not use the UBER Alien Joan River’s face as a  flotation device?

Is Snookie’s tan of this world?

Does OBAMACARE not include Aliens?

Did the Amish show up for work in the World Trade Center on 9/11?

 STEPS BACK-FULL BODY VIEW

‘There is a vast conspiracy to discredit UFO  technology and the American way of life. And who want this?  Yes I’m talking about the Amish.’

Think Beckinfield. The Amish refuse to use technology. Wear designer clothes. Where would we be if we  think like them? The economy would collapse and with it… America.

Well, I will continue to believe in America and in UFO’s on land and sea and most importantly…in Beckinfield.’

RUBS HAND ON FACE

‘ I will continue to shave my face...

WINKS

 And other areas ladies.’

PULLS COLLAR OF SHIRT

‘For Beckinfield. For America.  I will wear my Ralph Lauren shirt.’

TOUCHES JEANS

‘Wear my Kenneth Cole jeans.’

PULLS OUT UNDERWEAR WAISTBAND AND READS IT

‘And my nivlac nielk underwear.’

(pulls the waistband more and twists body to read them more…)

‘My…. Calvin Klein underwear… which apparently  I’m wearing inside out… and backwards.’

TWISTING HIS BODY TOO MUCH…HE FALLS

SFX: metal falling

Camera goes black

Voice only

‘Hmm. My underwear’s fly is over my butt. Thought I felt a draft.’

John turns on his laptop. And here is Ray Klein performing it....as Rocka on @beckinfield

A Vast Amish Conspiracy

Text to Patty and Adjin from John

So I was telling you I was following this actor on twitter...thatrayklein. And among the stuff he's doing is performing as rocka on @beckinfield  it's an ongoing sci fi drama.

Text from Patty to John

Breathe

Text to Patty and Adjin from John

So I wrote a scene for him and he performed it great. I wanted to mock conspiracy theories about 9/11 and anti-semitism. So I wrote A Vast Amish Conspiracy...cause you know, the Amish reject technology and Rocka was all about techie stuff and cause it shows how rediculous prejudice is. Anyway, here's my link to ray klein on @beckinfield as rocka performing my scene...and he gave me screen credit. 8-p  Here it is @nextwave05 ‪#Rocka‬ is talking conspiracy theories. Beckinfield - Actor http://shar.es/tdFd5 via @sharethis  If it doesn't work...just go to @beckinfield and search rocka  conspiracy theory.

Text to John and Adjin from Patty

I'm proud of u. I will check it out.

Text to Patty from John

Did you just compliment me?

Text to John and Patty from Adjin

If it goes to your head...we'll kick your as...

The set up to john's script on @beckinfield

Text from John to Patty and Adjin's phone

So like I said,

I've been following this actor on @beckinfield. He's @thatrayklein on twitter. On @beckinfield, he plays rocka.

Patty text to John and Adjin

Wanna call me. This is a mega text.

Text from John to Patty

No. So...you know I wrote a script for Rocka. I wanted to make fun of people who are prejudiced, conspiracy theories and stuff.

Text from Patty to John and Adjin

John's mega texting...I'm reading and scrolling...reading and scrolling. As if I have nothing to do...

Text from Adjin to John and Patty

Cool John...where's the link. And Patty, you have nothing to do...we do that together.

Text from Patty to John and Adjin

Fork it over...the link *bats eyelashes* trying to appear sweet

Text from John to Patty and Adjin

T-h-a-n-k  y-o-u. So @thatrayklein is setting up my script


Check out new ‪#Rocka‬ With ‪#Skelly‬ This should help set up @Nextwave05 @Beansmagoo10 @Beckinfield - Actor http://shar.es/tbX6Q via @sharethis

I went to @beckinfield and searched rocka

Text from Patty to John and Adjin

Will do. And it is cool for you. but don't start acting like you are cool.

Text from Adjin to John and Patty

You always talked about writing. And now you kinda are.

Text from John to Patty and Adjin

'Kinda'...thanks. No, I'm excited. A radio spot with a NYC ad agency, our story on twitter and a scene on @beckinfield...and a stand-up routine for a comic at Carolines in the City. You know what it is about writing...you've got to need to write...to be a writer. And you've gotta have someone read it.

Text from Patty to John and Adjin

You know what it is about texting? And I mean this in the nicest way possible...It's freak'n short and to the point. 8-)

Text from John to Patty and Adjin

not big on rules...my a tale of two bernies story is on a blog....so you have to go backwards to start. the most recent end of the story...@beckinfield is mostly non-actors acting on camera online  And I want to make fun of society...and hope society likes it. Wierd huh?

Text from Patty to John and Adjin

I'd call you a wierdo but I hang out with both of you...so what would that make me.

Text from Adjin to Patty and John

blessed

Text from Patty to Adjin and John

Shut up Adjin 

Actors are brave...writers are cowards

John on phone to Patty

‘Hey…it’s John’

Patty on phone to John

‘…when you call me…my phone says John. Just saying’

John

‘Moving on. You know how I’m on Twitter…mainly so someone will read my Tale of two Bernies story….that my dad actually started but anyway…’

Patty

‘So it’s a Tale of two Johnnies..’

John

‘I’m ignoring you. So I started following @thatrayklein…’

Pat

‘And you should have told me you were going to write about me…you obviously have a thing for me…’

John

‘…do not…’

Patty

‘So do…but alas…to me…you are like the brother I never had…or wanted. 8-p’

John

‘And thatrayklein is doing this character Rockka on @beckinfield …it’s an ongoing sci fi drama online.’

Patty

‘And you want me to act in it.’

John

‘No Where did that come from.’

Patty

‘You write about me and Adjin all the time.’

John

‘Didn’t know you were reading it.’

Patty

‘Couldn’t have changed my name?’

John

‘Fine. I’ll call you Bertha. And anyone from Seaside Heights will know it’s you cause we all hang out. If they know me.’

Patty

‘See…you’re like this annoying brother. And stop tweeting all over Chelsea Handler and Alyssa Milano And what’s with Tom Cruise…is he the ultimate daddy figure. Falling Skies…more dad figures?’

John

‘Finished General Psych One I see. Anyway. So I offered to write something for thatrayklein’s character. ‘

Patty

‘Cool. Or not at all. No I’m kidding. I like your junk. The radio spot ad you did was funny. They running it?’

John

‘MidWest…testing somewhere.  So I thought about how I wanted to do something funny and make fun of a few things I just think are wrong. So I wrote down anti-semitism and then the conspiracy theories about the US government doing the 9/11 attacks..’

Patty

‘Sounds hilarious. What about the stand up routine you wrote for that guy in Carolines in the City or something.’

John

 ‘He’s doing it in August or something.’

Patty

‘What’s that about?’

John

‘Studdering. ‘

Patty

‘Oh yeah. That’s a funny subject too. Good one John.’

John

‘I think Manny and thatrayklein are brave. I never realized how cowardly writing is…I’m miles away from an audience.’

Patty

‘Oh don’t worry. I’ll make sure people know you wrote stuff that  bombed.’

John

‘Nice to know you have my back….to stab like Psycho.’

Patty

‘Psycho sister. Well, keep me informed little brother.

John

‘Maybe I’ll put the script up once Ray and Manny have performed it. You know to show how I wrote it.’

Patty

‘Who the hell would care about that?’

John

‘Another writer.’

Patty

‘Oh writer. Now that you’ve gotten a few paychecks for writing ads you are a writer.’

John

‘Nope.’

Patty

‘When then?’

John

‘When I began to write. Well duh!’

Patty

‘Well duh? You are good with words.’

the nextwave home

John

You’d think I’d see him on one of those misty beach days. When the world has gone gray and a heavy sea mist rolls in…obscuring what is seen and unseen. But I actually have seen him on a ladder leaned against the house.…when there’s a chip of trim that needs sanding and painting. Or sitting and writing something in the wicker chair on our porch.  On the brightest beach day as a face in the crowd-walking towards me- on the boardwalk. Or watching me surf from the  happy, white sandy beach with a rainbow of beach umbrellas behind him.

I knew I’d see him on Father’s Day. So I went into the ocean beyond where the breaking waves turn into a lulling roll. Like some flickering, old camera, the waves make the beach appear and disappear as you lay on your surfboard, rise to their crest and sink to their troughs. Down my blue board goes into the trough-water spilling over my blue board and the blond hair on my arms. Up I go onto a crest and I see a beach full of families-missing one father.

Down I go into the trough-half asleep. Up I go and I see the beach-where is he? Down I go into the trough-lying in wait-salt drying on my upper arms. Up I go and there he is…at the end of the boardwalk. Down I go into the trough-he always watched me surf. Up I go and he’s resting his foot on the surfer’s bench-looking at me. Down I go and I want to catch a really good wave to show off. Up I go and he’s walking towards me…down the broad beach. …the only one in jeans and work boots in 90 degree weather. Down I go into the trough and the beach disappears again. Up I go onto the wave’s crest and the beach appears…but he is gone.

I want to catch the nextwave towards the shore…and home. But he will not be there.

I said Tapas Bar

John is sitting on the couch, talking to Adjin on the phone. A salty-fresh, sea breeze blows through the Irish lace curtains-blushed pink with the sunset.

John

‘You want me to go to a tapas bar?’

Just then Aunt Margaret stops, and looks shocked at what she’s heard. She goes into the kitchen to call Officer Mike.

John

‘So they’re hot little dishes…’

Officer Mike

‘Hi hon.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Can you do me a favor? Sooner than later….could you talk to John?’

Officer Mike

‘Why? Is he in trouble?’

Aunt Margaret

‘He and some friend are going to a topless bar.’

Officer Mike laughs

‘That’s kinda normal. But I don’t like the idea of him drinking and driving. And some of the people who go to those places are rough.  I’ll talk to him.’

Aunt Margaret

‘….and the topless women…you left that out.’

Aunt Margaret pokes her head into the Living Room where John is seated.

John

‘…sounds spicey. I like that…’

Aunt Margaret

‘Thanks. Stay safe.’

Officer Mike

“I will. I might pop over now. I’m on patrol anyway.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Thanks’

Aunt Margaret calls Father Thomas

‘Father are you busy? This is Margaret.’

Father Thomas                                                          

‘Yes. What’s on your mind?’

Aunt Margaret

‘Well it’s John. He and some friends are going to a Topless Bar. I don’t want him falling in with the wrong kind of people.’

Father Thomas

‘I’ll talk to him. Just because we can look at certain things, doesn’t mean we should. I’ll come over for a minutes. We have a good friendship…he’ll listen to me.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Thank you Father. He gets a little depressed around Father’s Day. But he has to learn not to listen to certain men and what they want to do.’

John on phone with Adjin

‘I’m just chillin…nothing going on. Oh wait. Officer Mike just pulled up in the cop car…no lights flashing. Bummer.

Officer Mike comes in front door. Smiles and sits across from John

John on phone.

‘Hold on.’

To Officer Mike

‘She’s in the kitchen.’

John turns his head… yells Cops theme song over couch towards kitchen and Aunt Margaret.

‘Bad, girl, bad girl…whatcha gonna do when he comes for you.’

Officer Mike

‘Actually, I’m here for you.’

John

‘Awkward.’

Officer Mike

‘You know when you first get out in the world. You want to see everything. The world. New York. Umm, naked women…’

John

‘But then as you get old… you don’t want to see naked women? When does that happen?’

Officer Mike

‘My point is…it’s ok to want to see naked women….’

Father Thomas enters the room just then.

Father Thomas

‘It’s not o.k to want to see naked women. Until you marry one. That’s what makes it special.’

John

‘Hi Father. My Aunt is in the kitchen. You raising money for something?’

Father Thomas

‘No. I’m here for you.’

John

‘k’

Officer Mike

‘But some places that have naked women. Well the people who hang out there aren’t that nice. And some of those dancing women on the poles…they don’t even like men. Lesbians. ‘

John to Adjin on the phone

‘Officer Mike is talking about naked Lesbian dancers on poles…no…it’s a bad thing…hold on. My Priest is here too. Naked women are for married guys. Really, Muslim guys hear that too? Hmm.’

John to Officer Mike

‘I have Lesbain friends in New York…they’re actually very warm to me…kinda homebodies.’

Officer Mike

‘Well, they are cold in the Topless Bars….they’ll just take your money or worst..’

Aunt Margaret enters the room.

‘That serial killer in Florida…they made the movie Monster about her…she killed men.’

John to Adjin on the phone.

‘We’ve got hot and cold running Lesbians here.’

‘Ok.’

John to Aunt Margaret

‘Adjin is coming over.’

Officer Mike

‘So if you go to a Topless Bar…’

John

“I’m not going to a….Aunt Margaret.   Adjin wants to go to a Tapas Bar in Toms River. It’s little dishes of Spanish food.’

Father Thomas laughs

‘So…well Johnny, at least you know there’s lot’s of guys who care about you. Plus you always have a Heavenly Father. We know how you get around Father’s Day.’

Officer Mike

‘I have to get back to patrol.’

John to Officer Mike as he leaves

‘Hey… the Jersey Shore is filming…just do a Snookie stake-out. Your are bound to prevent a crime.’

Father Thomas turns to leave.

Adjin enters the room. Looks around.

‘Where’s the Lesbians?’

The Irish lace curtains blow back and forth in the breeze.

Father Thomas looks at Adjin and John. Instead of leaving, he sits across from John.