A comedy script for Carolines in the city

John sits at the end of the pier in Seaside Park. Ahead to the horizon...all ocean. Patty comes up behind him.

 He hands Patty a stand up routine he wrote for a friend.

John

Danny is going to do a stand up comedy routine at Caroline's in the City.

Patty

Didn't he stutter?

John

Still does. So I played off it. He liked it. Like he's attacking a fear...or something..in mega public on stage.

Comic comes on stage at Caroline’s in the City.

Hey I’m Danny.

Brooklyn in the house?

Well I’ve gotta ask. If you are in the house…who’s in your house ripping you off? I think  Homie making himself at home with your stuff while you are here.

Oh, don’t be hating. I know Brooklyn. Grew up there….

Well…not so much grew up… as much as ducked…bullets

I went to school through two gang areas.  Wear red…you tick one gang off. Wear blue…tick off the other gang.

I wanted to please everyone. So I mixed blue and red together…which made lavender. Ticked off everyone. Who’s your Daddy? I don’t know. Awkward.

Right about now, you might ask : what’s a guy who stutters doing on a comedy showcase stage?

If you ever have an emergency…you might ask: what’s that aspiring comic who stutters doing answering my 911 call?

(Holds hand up to ear as if speaking on a phone.)

Nine, nine, nine,  one ,one. Wha, wha, what’s your emergency? La lady!  The most important thing for you to do is to stay ccccccalm while I'll send help.

Excuse me La lady…just because you are bleeding out…yes I know…bleeding out… doesn’t give you the right to hate on my speech.

911 Operators have feelings too.

Even with the stuttering thing… I got  a lot of good friends. One set me up with a job interview at a major car dealership. Big money. Mucho cho. Did I mention I stutter in two languages? English and Spanish. I’m bi-stuttero.

Anyway, I was so psyched. Then I got there and looked at the sign: Mitsubishis Motors? Really? I’m supposed to pronounce that? Couldn’t be a Fiat or Ford Dealership. I’m good with f words. Hey I’m from New York.

Tried teaching driving. Beautiful, Student Driver gets in car. She’s new at this. Keeps looking at me and not the road when she talks.  Goes to drive. I say, might, might, might wanna look before you pull out in traffic. She looks at me and asks: am I making you nervous? Noooo I stutter. We drive further. Come to the first busy street.  With that I see there’s a red light ahead. She doesn’t. She’s looking at me. I say sttaa sttaaa staa stop. She looks at me and smiles. I still think you are cute. I say I still think you should stop at this red light. She goes right through the red light…the mad busy intersection. I tell you…I didn’t see my life go before my eyes. I saw Charlie Sheen’s life. It’s a better life. Cars are honking. Fingers are going up. Blind guy being dragged by his dog is trying to give us the finger. Babies are giving us the finger. Hey, New Yorkers know how to raise their kids.  I look behind me at the now empty cross walk. Said to the Student Driver. Next time, that blind guy’s dog may not be able to drag him out of the way sooo fast.

Blind guy, on his stomach being dragged by his dog. Some people have it worst than me. I know. And  even with the job stuff…I’m doing o.k.

(takes out check book and acts like he has a cell phone to his ear again.)

Just a sec. I’ll tell you what I have in my Savings Account. Accccount Ba…ba….ba balance Say your account number now followed by the pound sign. 111 109000555.

I’m sorry…you are a valued…… entity. In order to serve  many customers quickly…your session has timed out. Let’s try again.

Say your account number now followed by the pound sign.

109000fa,fa,fa5555.

I’m sorry you are a valued…. entity. In order to serve many customers quickly…your session has timed out.

(Takes hand away from ear…puts check book away)

oh pound this Wells Fargo.

Anyway, I have money when I can get to it.

But I just don’t have time to meet a woman to spend it with. So the same friend who set me up with Mitsubishi….can anyone say the name of that car company? Anyway, my friend said he knew of the best place to meet lots of women fast. And you don’t have to have a TV show and tiger blood. Sweet.

Speed dating. Yeah, I wouldn’t have thought that would be good for me either. But I gave it a try.

I sat across from the first woman.

Said, my name is MmmmmDanny. Thought great, I got my name out….

Speed Date Specialist came up to our table,  rang a bell. Date over.

My first speed date woman said…a pleasure meeting you…and ran like hell. Guesssing she was in a hurry to get to the next date.

After the Speed Date bump…I thought enough talking. Tried to date over the Internet. Found a great girl. Great girl. Took time to learn a lot about her. Liked what she said about her family. Could see myself in her family. I could sooooo see myself in her family. She told me more.  I was like whoa. Said hold up.  Aren’t you my cousin? Awkward.

I still feel like a playa…

And I have really found my forte in this talking, talking, talking world.

Any fool can talk. I Mime.

(Draws a door in the air, walks through it, closes imaginary door, waves bye to audience and leaves stage.)

Patty

I like it.

John looks straight ahead at the ocean's horizon.

I like looking out at the ocean...no one judges me out there.

Patty

So true. You have to turn around and look towards shore. That's where we laugh at you for falling off your surfboard.