Sea Gull-able

The sun rise over the Atlantic never ceases to amaze John. He sits on his surfboard on a September beach. Quiet and peaceful- with sea gulls beaks to the wind and sandpipers hunting crabs on the crimson sand. It’s so peaceful, he lays back on his surfboard and falls asleep.

A weird sound awakens him. Is that a seagull screaming. No that’s something human weird. He looks down the beach to see a skinny man running back and forth-screaming at the gulls. Weird sound from a weirdo John thinks.

Man to sea gulls

‘Get ooooooooooooooooooout!’

Since sea gulls have no middle fingers, they do the next best thing. The flock of sea gulls fly… just over the man’s head and land directly behind him.

The man turns and is furious that they would land so close to him. John thinks: really dude? These are New Jersey sea gulls…they got attitude. They don’t care… flock you.

Man to sea gulls

‘Get oooooooooooooout!’

John watches and wishes he had a supersized cherry coke... to go with the little scene going down. In the distance, John sees sand being kicked up by a big man riding a tiny dune buggy. Ahh....now you are in trouble….the lifeguard is coming to the rescue of…birds?  The lifeguard…birdguard?..turns his dune buggy sharply and stops. It sprays sand over the man. The sea gulls saw the birdguard coming and long since got out of the way.

Birdguard

‘What are you doing on my beach?’

Man

‘It’s a public beach.’

Birdguard

‘Wrong. It’s my beach and you will follow my rules. And if I catch you bothering my birds I will kick your…’

John

‘tail feathers’

Birdguard to John

‘Shut up. You’re next.’

Man

‘Ah…there’s too many of them anyway.’

Man walks towards the boardwalk

Birdguard transforms into a lifeguard again.

Lifeguard to John

‘You’re sleeping on the beach. If you are that tired, you shouldn’t be surfing. I don’t need you falling a sleep on your surfboard and drifting out to sea.’

John thinks: Is this a problem in America? Blond surfers drifting out to sea? But John says:

‘Thank you.’

Lifeguard

‘Why don’t you wait until the older surfers show up? Have some buddies out there.’

John’s mind gets caught on the ‘older surfer’ thought. His mind goes back to an episode of Modern Marvels...making sausage. It showed mushy meat being put in casements…if the casements fail…meat will fly all over the place. Kinda like older surfers stuffing themselves into wet suits. Something you just don’t wanna see. Then John thinks, but the water is 70 yet. They won’t be wearing wet suits yet.

John to Lifeguard

‘K’

Lifeguard

‘K? You thought for like 2 minutes. k!’

Lifeguard turns, hops his tiny dune buggy like a horse, and speeds off down the beach with a blast of sand.

The sea gulls land back on the beach near John. One looks at John

John to sea gull

‘I got nothing.’