Old man river just keeps driving along?

Dave walks into John’s office.

Dave

Old man river, that old man river, he just keeps driving along.

John looks up annoyed.

John

Why the hell would a river drive? Why would any writer write that? Like did Sponge Bob Square Pants jump in the Mississippi, soak it up, and get in a car and drive? And there were no cars in the 1800’s so why would anyone drive anything?

Dave

There was no Sponge Bob Square Pants in the 1800’s either. 

John

Liar!

Keith, the Creative Director sticks his head in the doorway.

Keith

That’s what I like to hear…..passion when creating a new campaign. But John, don’t say hell. A client could be touring the office…so we don’t wanna hear hell.

Dave

No, the clients usually say: what the fu…  What are these copywriting and art direction charges.

John

20 minutes explaining that rivers flow they do not drive.

Dave

We are like slaves here…that’s why I was singing that.

John

Black, Jewish, Egyptian? What kinda slaves? How far back we going?

Hey, a quote from Martin Luther King for that account. People being judged for the content of their character.

Let’s google that.

Dave

Could work. Wanna go out after work.

John sings

Get a little drunk and you land in jail……

Hi, I'm John. "Hi John"

The silver spire of the Chrysler Building glimmers outside the conference room window. It almost outshines the sun shining off Bernie’s bald head.

Account Executives and assistants as well as artists and writers sit around the mahogany table. John sits with his friends, David, Stacey and Girl Patel nearby. John is slouched as if he can hide.

The Happy Office Consultant stands up next to Bernie.

The Happy Office Consultant

We all know what a pressure cooka Advertising is. So we are here with techniques to make nice. You know a happy office makes for

Bernie

More f-ing money which is why we are here.            

The Happy Office Consultants continues Her thought

A happy office makes for happy days.

David

Happy Office.  Not people. Like the office furniture will be happy.

Bernie

David don’t f-ing start.

David

OK, OK. Joking makes for a happy workplace to me….

The Happy Office Consultant

Very good David. But we haven’t even all introduced. So we are going to state our names and why we do what we do. And after the person says his or her name, we will all say: hi so and so. It’s all about being positive and supportive.

Sooo let’s start with our leader.

She gestures to Bernie.

Bernie

Hi, I’m Bernie,

The Happy Office Conaultant

Hi Bernie….see, like that.

Bernie

I’m in Advertising because I like people, creatives, straight guys…

John and David look at each other

The Happy Office Consultant gestures at Mel

Mel

Hi, I’m Bernie. I

Bernie

Are you stupid? Jesus S Christ.

Bernie looks at John

Sorry

John

I’ll tell Jesus

Bernie looks back at Mel.

No wonder we are losing accounts.

Bernie stands up, and thrusts his crotch towards a window.

Bernie

Why do I try with you idiots? I’m just pissing my money away. Pissing my money out this window.

He thrusts his crotch towards the window.

Bernie

Why don’t these windows open?

David

So people don’t piss out of them.

Bernie shoots David a dirty look.

The Happy Office Consultant trys to regain control.

Hi Mel!

Mel

I’m an Account Executive and I love my clients.

Bernie

F-love. F-ing get more money out of them.

The Happy Office Consultant

It’s all about respect and positivity towards each other.

She gestures towards Girl Patel

Girl Patel

Hi, I’m Girl Patel. And I’m a Lesbian.

Bernie slams his hand on the table

No. No. No.

You’re a f-ing Assistant Account Executive.

Girl Patel

I’m proud of being both.

The Happy Office Consultant gestures to the entire table.

The entire table

Hi Girl Patel.

The Happy Office Consultant gestures to David

David

Hi I’m David

John jumps the gun

Johnl

Hi David!

The entire table.

Hi David!

David turns to John.

Are you retarded?

John

Bad word. Alyssa Milano says that word hurts people.

David

Your friend.

Bernie

Your friends with that little girl on Who’s the Boss?

John

No. I follow her on Twitter. She was on Charmed. Now she’s on Mistresses.

Stacey

That’s the same actress.

The Happy Office Consultant

And what do you do David.

Stacey

Besides call your friends retarded.

Bernie

He dresses all in black. Like he’s going to a funeral every day. Why don’t you dress like a Puerto Rica like John…yellows and what the hell color is your shirt today?

John

Mango

Bernie

If a client asks, you call it orange. You look like you’re going to guide a plane in. But it’s a happy color David.

David

Yes. I’m David and I’m not the talented artist who makes this place millions. I’m the guy who dresses in black.

Bernie to David

Is my name on your check? Keep arting and buy a bright shirt for Christ sake.

Bernie to John

John

Oh, Christ sake? I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Bernie

Well you are-what do you call it- dating- having relations with Jesus.

John

I have a personal relationship with Jesus.

David

God. It’s like diapers. We all go through religion…then we loosen up and kose that sh-

The Happy Office Consultant

All about respect. G leads to A leads to Y   Good vibes leads to All-around happiness leads to Y  you, happy.

Bernie

G- a- y. That’s Gay. This office is not going Gay.

Girl Patel

Thank Gods

Bernie

God

Girl Patel

Says you.

The Happy Office Consultant gestures to John

John looks shy

Hi I’m John.

The table says Hi John.  David strokes John’s hand and says Hi John.

John pulls his hand away.

John

And I’m a writer. I think I became a writer because I’m not good at talking to people.

Bernie slams his palm on the table

No. No. No. You became a writer because you were recognized at an early age that you had a talent for it. For Chri…holy Moses. What if there was a client here people. You are not getting this                .

Happy Office Consultant

It’s all about respecting each other’s feelings. G leads to A leads to Y.

Bernie gives the Happy Office Consultant a dirty look

Or not at all.

                                                                i

I froze my eggs

John enters the living room of his Aunt's house. The sea breeze is pushing the Irish lace curtains forward. The billowing sight is especially welcoming after a 2 1/2 commute into crowded New York City.

Aunt Margaret

Oh I'm always so relieved to see you. Especially when there's a terrorist alert.

John

Well yeah, but you know I don't commute to Yemen. I commute to Yo-man New York City. Yo-man, I got some great stuff here....Hey I went to go to the rest room in Penn Station. And as I go to the urinal, this guy flashes a gold detective badge. So I think. Oh good. It's safe to pee. He sees me go to the urinal and says-get out of here.Guess he was after someone. But I said, oh I thought you making it safe to pee....he looked sooo mad.

Aunt Margaret

Well, nothing happened around here today. Except I froze my eggs.

John

Wow. You never talk about anything involving babies with me. What saving eggs to have a baby...like when you are in your sixties?

Aunt Margaret

I have supper warming. You'll have to try the eggs tomorrow. I think they're ok to eat.

John

I feel like I'm losing my mind again.

Aunt Margaret

My eggs. You don't listen. I must have had the refrigerator up to high. But Steffy said it's ok to eat frozen eggs..

John

You know, we always have so much to say to each other. Most of it doesn't make sense....but you can't have everything.

Ideas for Jessica's stand up routine

The lights flicker on at Lucky Leo’s on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights NJ. Patty is staring at the construction worker, working on the sign. John looks to see what she is looking at. Just then, the construction worker turns and gives Patty a ‘hey there looks’ and then sees John and gives him a look like ‘what are you looking at?’

John turns to look at the boardwalk

Dammmit Patty. I know Madam Lillian said you were going to meet a tall, dark stranger….but she didn’t say I was going to get beat up over it.

Patty laughing

Too much to ask?

John and Patty walk on

So I’m thinking for Jessica Stein’s stand up routine. I definitely want to make fun of the NSA. People worried about all the Spanish people coming into this country. People who don’t like Gays and Jews.

Patty

Oh yeah, those topics are a riot?

John

I'm making fun of people who are too conservative   too liberal too.

Patty

Anyway, I see another construction worker to check out. Thank you Hurricane Sandy. They’re stronger than the storm. …

John

God. So I was thinking about making Jessica come on in a hoodie. And looking like she’s sneaking across a border. And then she can talk about sneaking across the border of Gay Greenwich Village and straight-acting Mid Town Manhattan.

Patty

How are you going to write for a Lesbian?

John

I wrote an ad for Tampons.

Patty

Well you PMS more than any woman I know.

John

Thanks a lot.

Patty

You are most welcome.

Patty looks at a construction worker and John automatically looks to look at what she’s looking at.

This time, the worker checks John out.

Patty bursts into loud laughter. She trips on the boardwalk and John quickly grabs her arm.

John

I had a random thought for Jessica. She could talk about how  even though she’s a Lesbian…I still checks out guys. Like the other day I saw this good looking guy climbing out of a manhole. Muscled arms, tight white t-shirt, jeans, work boots. And I thought….I could pull together that look for Saturday Night at No Man’s Land.

Patty

I think that’s funny.

Just then, because John was looking at Patty instead of where he was going, he walks into a large metal garbage can. It makes a loud thud. Teenaged girls on a nearby bench applaud.

John looks embarrassed.

Patty

…but not as funny as that.

Rise of the Undocumented Lesbian

John is seated on the steps of the building made famous by Gremlins.  Around the corner bounces Jessica Stein bursting with joyfulness.

John gets choked up almost in tears.  They hug.

Jessica Stein

What the heck’s the matter with you?

John

I’m sooo glad you are ok after the way Bernie treated you…

Jessica Stein gets choked up.

Oh, my God. You are such a good little friend.

John breaks the tension.

We’re having an Oprah moment.

Jessica Stein

And you’re the straight one here.   I’m great. I pulled some of Bernie’s accounts. He took me to court. I won. And we we’re a hit with my little stand up comedy thing.

John

He took you to court.

Jessica Stein

Well, before you were born…I signed a no compete contract. But the judge sided with me. He told Bernie we don’t believe in slavery in New York.

John

Wow. I’m so glad. And I have some ideas for your next stand up thing. I think you should call yourself ‘The Undocumented Lesbian’

Jessica Stein

Too funny. I love it.

John

I was thinking about how you wanted me to enjoy writing the routine too. So right now I want to make fun of the NSA cause they went too far in keeping us safe by listening to …

Jessica Stein

Our farts.

John

Blahaaaaaa You could tell me any thing you experienced as a Jewish Lesbian woman. But I thought we could do something about you running across the border of Greenwich Village and passing for a straight woman so you could get a job in Mid Town Manhattan way back then.

Jessica Stein

Way back then….anyone ever tell you you are charming?

John

No

Jessica Stein

They never will.

John

Blahaaaaaaaaaa. And being taken seriously even though you are shaped like Barbie…

Jessica Stein puts her hands on her ample hips.

Oh Ken.

John

I felt weird when you told the NYJew joke…

Jessica Stein

I’m Jewish. I can say that. We called it that. It’s a good thing. The dudes were getting good degrees and Jewish.  And I was realizing I didn’t want any man and might die alone…oh good times.

John

Blahaaaaaa OK. And the audience thought our routine was funny.

Jessica Stein

I’m invited back. Which means you’ve got to write. And I’ve got to take you to NOBU. There’s so many things you haven’t eaten.

John

Is that a Lesbian Bar?

Jessica Stein

No. It’s a restaurant. Get your mind out of the gutter. No wait. Put it back in the gutter. You have to write for me. Be fierce.

I wrote everything.,,,

Stacey, John, David, Girl Patel, Patty leave the comedy club in the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

David to John

She was really funny.

John

I'm so relieved.

David

the best part was her busting on you. And the randomness comments. What did you write?

John

All of it.

David

What do you mean? She joked about you getting coke cola served by the waiter...that was funny but she came up with that right?

John

No. We sat down and planned out the whole...thing. Like at work I did say to her, hey I discovered this great actress on Twitter. So she thought it was some new person to acting. And I said Mia Farrow. And she said OMG you make me feel old.  And whenever I'd come in from lunch I'd have my super sized coke from McDonald's. And she'd be eating some diet salad thing at her desk. So she'd say: that better be diet coke. And I'd say it wasn't. And she'd say: You're young, you drink regular coke, you're thin. I hate you. And then she's Gay sometimes...so I asked about the misconceptions about Lesbians....so I wrote this stuff about flannel shirts, and lady truck drivers and then I saw a show about serial killer straight men truck drivers. So I thought it would be funny to have the stereotyped Lesbian truck drivers protecting the female hitch hikers...and then you know she's Jewish so we added that in....and Joan Rivers made fun of Rose Mcgowan from Charmed...so it's on.

David

So that was made up with the waiter. She was repeating how she beat on you at work about drinking big cokes....

John

Yup. She forgot one joke. You know I'm into Chelsea Handler and her gang of comics. So I wanted to goof on myself. I wanted her to say: he's so Catholic, he bought Josh Wolf's too funny book, It takes Balls and put a piece of tape over the  'B'....so his cover of the book reads It takes alls. But she forgot it or something. Thank God  the audience laughed at everything else.

David

Tell me you didn't really put  tape over the 'B ' in It takes Balls.

John

Hey David...across the street. Is that a rat? A real New York City rat?

David

Nice try. You did put tape over the 'B' in balls. Dude, I am so glad you ended up in New York. It's like your therapy.

John

Or I'm your therapy. And how does that make you feel...

David

Not like putting f-ing tape over the 'b' in balls.

John writes a stand up routine for Jessica Stein, Bernie's former assistant

John, David, Girl Patel, Stacey, Adjin and Patty take a seat at a little comedy venue in New York City.

Patty to John

Nervous?

John

Well, Jessica thought what I wrote was funny. I hope the audience agrees. I told her I only wrote one other stand up routine.

Adjin

Well, it’s on her to bring it too.

John

I know but she just lost her job with Bernie after….working for him a long time.

The kinda spot lights come on and a skinny man comes on stage and walks to a big old microphone on a stand.

Skinny Man preens as if modeling his body.

Heroin chic . You like’n it?

The audience applauds.

Skinny Man

Well, we got a couple of newbies tonight. So here’s your chance to squash someone’s dreams. Bastards.

Audience laughs. Someone yells out:

 my pleasure
Skinny man

First up we have the…I’m guessing, the at one time, lovely Jessica Stein.

Bernie’s former assistant marches on stage like she’s leading an army. She’s all alone in the spot light.

Jessica Stein

Thanks for the intro…you strong woman-hating piece of…

I promised my writer I wouldn’t curse a lot. He’s a Cath-o-lic. Stand up Joh…I mean Jose. Blonde haired John stands  up. He’s wearing a surfer shirt.

Jessica Stein

I have to change his name to protect him. He still works where I used to. Yup, my boss came to me with a lovely suggestion. I look up from my desk, there’s my boss, Bernie,  with a blonde. He points at my desk and says to the blonde…you sit there. I’m thinking ooo, after 10 years I’m finally getting my own office. So I ask: where do I sit? Bernie says: anywhere you want. I think nice. But not nice. He says: you’re fu…

Jessica looks at John

f-ing fired.

Audience boos.

Ah, but this is a tale of two Bernie’s.

Audience member calls out

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

Jessica Stein

What are you, a liberal arts major from NY Jew, I mean U.

Audience member calls out

Yes

Jessica Stein

Liberal Arts huh? You employed.

Audience member calls out

No

Jessica Stein

Get used to that.

Audience laughs

Jessica Stein

Like I said this is a tale of two bernies. And they hate each other. My Bernie’s family’s illustrious history involves running around the plains of Russia being raped by Vikings. The Bernie I now work for comes from Sutton Place. And lives on Park Avenue. Acts all WASPy like.

To John

You must meet him some time Joh I mean Jose.

Audience member calls out

Why Jose?

Jessica Stein

Hey, I’m trying to come off like an ethnic comedy team here. God knows  Jews used to be ethnic…before that damned Joan Rivers kept getting face lifts and blonder hair till she resembles some Pilgrim that came over on the Mayflower. Oh, please. What mortuary is doing her make-up?

Audience laughs

I know, I know Joan. It’s hard to get the MidWest to buy your shi…

Jessica Stein gestures to John

…your lovely pieces on Home Shopping Network. And ladies, the bracelet goes with the ring, goes with I love to wear two bracelets and that goes with more rings and more plastic surgery.

Anyway, transition, Greenwich Village, congrats on the marriage equality act.

Audience applauds

Jessica Stein

Ellen Degenerous will be celebrating with flannel shirt day.

Audience laughs and boos.

Jessica Stein

Oh, I know Lesbos. You don’t always wear flannel shirts. In the summer, you cut off the sleeves. It’s a styling flannel vest. Cover Girl my as…Actually ladies I do use Cover Girl inspired by Ellen. I put make up on my butt. Tip of the day ladies, a darker shade on the sides of the thighs is very slimming. That and screwing in a windowless room with no lights on. Oh course if my Jewish men go down on me when I’m wearing make up down there they come up with a brown face. Kinda looking like Bill Cosby only Black.

Audience laughs

Jessica Stein

Ah Lesbians. Good luck for all you do. I do want to give props to the female truck drivers out there. For your work in kicking the ass of serial killer truck drivers who are killing hitch hiking females. Those perverted men. 

She gestures to a table of women.  She begins to stroke her neck and upper body

Jessica Stein

Those men. Touching our women…gaining their trust. Thrusting themselves on them. Sounds like a Saturday night at No Man’s Land right ladies. Of course I'm Bi.  Bi 3am I'll go home with anyone.

Jessica Stein

Anyway, at a tender, middle age, I’m off to work for the other Bernie. Don’t laugh. I am middle aged. I have every intention of living to 120. Anyway, you’re only as young as you feel. I feel younger since I don’t talk to Jose every day. Oh yes. He wasn’t being mean. That made it worst. He’d come to me and say: Hey, I just discovered this great actor on American Horror: Dylan McDermott.

Jessica gestures to John

Do you remember saying that?

John covers his face laughing in shame.

Jessica Stein

Oh, no. It gets worst. Ever heard of him? So I say: Dylan McDermott might have done something before American Horror. Then he says, and I discovered this other actress: Mia Farrow.

Audience laughs

Jessica Stein

Ever heard of her? I googled The Great Gatsby and she came up. I watched the movie and she was an awesome Daisy.  I said really? She might have been before my time. He doesn’t get the sarcasm. So I suggest he google: Woody Allen movies.

She gestures to John

Jessica Stein

And did you?

John nods

Jessica Stein

And did you remember not to just google Woody…cause that will get you pictures of Anthony Weiner. He’s got my vote. And my email apparently.

You can google Madonna too. She was big 10 years before you were born.

She looks at John

Jessica Stein

What are you doing? Giving me the finger. Oh, you’ll holding up two fingers. Oh, Madonna was big 20 years before you were born. Bastard!

Just then a waitress brings John a drink.

Jessica Stein

Miss, miss, don’t serve him. It’s what? Oh, it’s just Pepsi. Not Diet Pepsi. Oh, no why would you drink a diet drink. You’re young. You’ll burn off the sugar.  I hate you. And don’t worry. If Bernie fires you for writing this stuff, hey you live at the Jersey shore. You’ve got skills for the boardwalk. Hey people….you wanna go faster? I’m not knocking you saying that to the riders. I use the same line with the men in my bedroom. Different tone. Hey, ya wanna go faster?

She slaps her stomach.

Jessica Stein

Get on. Get off this ride. We got people waiting in line for this ride. Of course, most of the people waiting to ride me are on a day outing from the Shady Rest Nursing Home but…ya know they bring gifts.  I never have to buy my own jello. Thank you Shady Rest.

Jessica Stein

And Bernie didn’t win. I did go sit where I wanted. At the competition. You see, Bernie was arrogant to let me go cause he’s in with the clients. But he didn’t realize I’m in with a higher power: the Jewish wives of the clients. And they don’t like the blonde Miss thing.

Good luck with that bro. I’m not going to answer your phone in three rings. I’m gonna pull your damned accounts. Well. That’s my set.

She points at John. And that’s my writer. Stand up.

John stands up. Jessica leaves the stage.

John goes to leave.

David grabs his arm.

Where are you going buddy?

John

To the bathroom…fast.

You know where u stand by where u sit

The desks of the Assistant Account Executives sit in an open area in front of their Account Executives. Girl Patel, John and David are standing in front of Girl Patel’s desk.

Blythe runs almost past them with a forced happy face and suddenly stops.

Blythe to John

Bernie l-o-v-e-s you.

She squeezes his wrist. And as an afterthought

Blythe to David

You too David.

She runs down the hall and into Bernie’s office.

David

I’m not a ‘too.’….

David to John and Girl Patel

You twit.

Girl Patel

Anyway, you’re not getting it. I said they are a very conservative company who wants something crazy.

They all realize Bernie is passing by with a pretty blonde.

Bernie stops and puts his hand on John’s shoulder.

Bernie to Girl Patel

Make nice. He’s a f-ing cash cow.

Bernie moves on with the pretty blonde.

Girl Patel almost laughing

F-ing cash cow. To a Hindi. That is wrong on so many levels

Bernie stops in front of a desk in front of his office.

Bernie to one of his assistants seated at the desk.

Get up.

Jessica Stein gets up.

Bernie to the pretty blonde

You sit there.

Jessica to Bernie
Where do I sit?
Bernie

Any place you want. You’re f-ing fired,

Jessica bursts into tears and runs past John, David and Girl Patel

Blythe runs smiling out of the office to the blonde woman.

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to the family.

She puts a piece of paper onto the pretty blonde’s desk as Bernie goes into his office.

Pretty blonde to Blythe as she picks up the paper.

What’s this?

Blythe

Oh it just says you can be fired for any reason or no reason at all. Sign it honey.

David whispers to John

Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Girl Patel to John

Especially you Cash Cow.

John

Holy Cow.

Madam Lillian psychic session

Patty texting to John

You’re going

John

Not

Patty

R

John

Nope

Patty

Madam Lillian is expecting

John

Ya C

Patty

?

John

If Madam Lillian was really psychic….she’d know I wasn’t coming

Patty

Is this that Catholic thing again

John

Comeon Most Catholic uknowthat   Jewish, Muslim and whatever u r

Patty

I like to think of myself as a Viking Goddess But I’m actually kinda Lutheran  Back to Madam Lillian

John

I’ll go as  a joke. I can predict the future too

Patty

Whatever

John

I predict she’s going to tell you you will meet a dark haired stranger in the Fall.

Patty

Y would she?

John

Cause most people have dark hair and she will be in Boca Raton in the Fall…far away from u and your future. And that’s what u get for believing in this crap.

Patty

The point is you are going…with that wonderful, open mind of yours. You can go hang with Jesus on Sunday.

John

Christ pun? Really?

Patty

B right over

The little psychic shop on the boardwalk fits nicely between two games of chance stands. As John parts the curtains. That’s cause this isn’t a game of chance, John thinks. It’s a sure bet for Madam Lillian. Every year there’s some girl in love with some guy who wants to know if they have a future together.

Patty following John in

Ever hear of lady’s first

John

Nope. Equality. Sometimes you open the door for me. Sometimes I do it for you.

Madam Lillian is seated behind a round table with a glass ball on it. She is wearing some schmatta on her head for Eastern Europe.

Madam Lillian to John

You must be John

John

You must be psychic.

Patty gives John a dirty look.

Come on I sat through Easter Mass with you.

John and Patty sit down across from Madam Lillian

Madam Lillian to John

You do not believe

John

I watch Charmed. Phoebe saw things coming. Maybe not Shannon D but…

Madam Lillian to John

You will. You wear a cross but you are surrounded by Star of Davids.

John to Patty

You tell her about me.

Patty

No just that we are friends since elementary school

Madam Lillian

Bernie is good for you.

John

Good?

Madam Lillian

Didn’t say good. Good for you. He’s not good for his people.

John

Well most people in the New York office are Jewish. But he’s an equal opportunity abuser. But people are there to make money and advertising seems…glamorous I guess to outsiders

Madam Lillian

Star of David…David is a good friend to you.

John

Wow. David is.

John to Patty

But he’s kinda Jewish like you are kinda Lutheran

Patty

Soooo?

Madam Lillian

You two will have a long future together.

Patty and John

Really?

Madam Lillian

Yup. But not like that. You will meet someone with dark hair later…after the summer.

John smirks.

Madam Lillian

Yes. When I’m in Boca for the winter. What’s your damage? I mean the future is told.

Patty

Any clue.

Madam Lillian

He getting wood.

John bursts out laughing

I’ll bet.

Madam Lillian to Patty

He’s working on the boardwalk this summer. Building benches…

John

If he gets a splinter…she can help him.

Madam Lillian

Yes a different cross. Red Cross. You will make a good nurse.

Patty smiles

Madam Lillian looks from Patty to John

Cause no matter how stupid…you will help the person.

John

I’m not stupid

Madam Lillian

Who pays for something they don’t believe in.

Madam Lillian puts her hand out.

Twenty dollars

The NJ Transit Song Shall we dance...in your pants

The NJ Transit song

John grabs a seat on a crowded train. Soon there is a woman standing next to his aisle seat. The train begins to sway on the tracks. And there’s a rhythm to a man bragging about some accomplishment in sales. Without warning. the woman bends over. Her butt goes in John’s face. He expects an apology, but realizes she is unaware. She must have lost all feeling in her butt. Wonder if there’s a fund raiser for that?, John thinks. The beat of all of this commuting scene makes John think of the time his father took him to see The King and I. Shall we dance? Two people dancing across a huge floor…so much room. The woman near John bends over again to get something from here purse-on the floor.  Her butt goes in his face again.

John thinks of the Shall we dance song with new lyrics as the woman’s butt hits his face again.

Shall we dance….in your pants…..la de da…shall we dance…in your pants

All of a sudden, there is a female conductor in front of him. I wasn’t singing that was I?, John wonders.

Conductor

Excuse me

John

Oh, no excuse me.

Conductor

Your ticket baby. You are cute but you still haveta  have a ticket.

John

Oh, here.

The Conductor taps the woman on the shoulder who has been putting her butt in John’s face.

Conductor to woman

I need your ticket. And you need to stop putting your butt in the boy’s face every time you bend over. You know guys his age can’t take anything.

Woman to John

I’m sooo sorry.

John to woman

My pleasure. I mean no problem.

Conductor to woman

Ya see baby.

John thinks. Oh that conductor woman calls everyone baby…not just me.

Auntie one sentence

John enters the living room after a long commute from New York involving an over crowded train and mad Parkway drive.. Aunt Margaret is seated in a chair as the Irish lace curtains blow in the ocean breeze. John flops in the chair across from her.

Aunt Margaret in one breath

IwaswatchingthatAnimalPlanetyouusedtolovewhenyouwerelittleandtheywereshowingzebrasrunningandthey
lookedsocutewhydidn'tyoulikethem?There'sstewinthekitchen.

John

Stew?

Aunt Margaret in another breath

Yeahtheyhavetheselittlehairsonthetopoftheirheadsandblackandwhitestripessocutebutyoudidn'tlikethemyou
chosetheelephantstuffedanimalAreyoulisteningtomeordaydreamingyoualwaysdaydream.

John

Zebras are good

Aunt Margaret

WellnothereontheAfricanplainsAreyougoingtohavestew?

John

Is there zebra meat in it?

Aunt Margaret

Of course not. How your mind works.

John
I think I'm losing my mind.

Act of Godlesss

John looks out at the Moon-rising over the black Atlantic. Both looked so innocent…and peaceful…as if..he

used to see them as symbols of eternity….not destruction.

John’s cell lights up. The expected text from Patty.

Patty’s text

Yeah I got it. What do you call the painting  Jesus  on a stick?

John text to Patty

Was thinking about how they called hurricane Sandy an act of God .But when  a disaster happens…we sacrifice religion…hard to believe in anything.

Patty

Anyone ever tell you   you are an up person?

John

The stories…an eighty year old couple losing everything…almost dying cause the water came up and washed them out of their windows…8^th grader dying cause her father wouldn’t leave…guy cuts his finger off with a power saw just as the lights went off so he and his daughters wrap his finger and look for the cut off part in the dark….so many lives smashed…

Patty

It’s Saturday night.

John

But then there’s the second act of God. People coming to help people. Jon Bon Jovi and Springsteen doing a benefit concert. People bringing their Christmas trees to the beach to create new dunes. Other strangers giving food and clothes or just showing up to clean the sand off streets.

Sandy

Let’s follow my Swedish God.

John

What?

Sandy

Drinking. It’s Saturday night. Let’s go out drink and pillage like Vikings…be with people.

John

My God.

Patty

No mine. Well Thor knew how to have fun. Dressed up like a woman once. Did Jesus ever dress up like a woman?

John

No. And I like that about him.

http://www.earthcam.com/usa/newjersey/seasideheights/

We must be vigilante?

We must be Vigilante?

John’s computer beeps that there is an email. He stops writing headlines and opens the one from David.

David

I can’t stop laughing.

John sends email to David

OK

David sends email to John

Didn’t you read Bernie’s email?

John sends email to David

I saw it was to his Account Executives…not us. Oh my God. The title is We must be Vigilante?

John clicks on Bernie’s email.

Account Executives

In these trying times of people being shot and blown up. We must be vigilante in our commitment to our all American values. We must not hate. We must always watch for suspicious packages that are sent to you or especially me as President. And most importantly: We must  tell our clients we must run ads….or they win. Even if we pause to mourn.  They win if we don’t run ads. Let’s be Bernie strong!

John

I’m speechless.

David

Oh no. As the writer y-o-u must tell Bernie he meant to say: we must be vigilant. Not vigilante.

John

No. Correcting Bernie would be the job of the Unemployed Writer. I’m the employed one.

Who hold's a Chelsea Lately Viewing Party?

Stacey and David come up to John’s desk in the ad agency smiling.

Stacey

Heyyyy girlfriend

John

Hey gender neutralizer

David

They liked our wrinkle cream campaign

John

Which one they going with?

Stacey

That great one with the woman putting make up on before images of France.

John

Eiffel Tower shot. Subtle David.

David

They liked it…case closed.

John

No I liked it. Safe though.

David to Stacey

I knew they wouldn’t go for the one with women pulling rip cords on the side of their face, and blowing up like a pool tube.

John

Too seasonal?

David kidding to John

Anyway, we gotta watch this guy's judgement. He had a Chelsea Lately viewing party?

Stacey

Sounds like fun. People have Oscar viewing parties. Were there a lot of people there?

John

No, just 5 friends.

David

And his Aunt.

John

No Aunt.

David

I would never date her...Chelsea Lately.

John

No one would.

Stacey

Why?

John

Cause there’s no such person named Chelsea Lately. Her name is Chelsea Handler dumb as..

David

I would never date her either. I will probably marry a Jewish woman. But I want a more submission Jewish girl.

John

Ah…and what tribe would she be from. The long lost rabbi geshia girl tribe. Think they found him living in Levittown. Bill O’Reilly something.

Stacey bouncy

So what do you serve at a Chelsea Lately tv viewing party? It's all about the glamorous eats.

John

I had a bowl of peas…with butter on them.

David

Told you his Aunt was there.

John

No, I just realized I’m just eating fast food stuff in New York. I thought I should eat something green. Dyed green but I guess there’s still something good in those microwaveable peas.  I want to be strong...to be able to surf again…if they get the roller coaster out of my ocean.

Stacey

I hate you.

John

Pea-envy?

Stacey

You put butter on peas and you’re still thin.

David

And he lives with his Aunt and holds Chelsea frigging Lately tv viewing parties.

John

I'm living the dream. And Chelsea does frig. But not you David. Cause y-o-u are unavailable.

The sun rose golden like a Motts-o-ball over Mott Street in Chinatown

In the break room at the agency, David gets soup from the microwave and gives a bowl  to John.

David

Here, this is authentic New York. Lower East Side to be exact.

John

Yeah, Mott Street in Chinatown. I know New York a little.

David

Please don’t tell me you think this is called Motts-o-ball soup?

David looks at John’s slightly embarrassed face.

David

Oh my God.

John

Oh your God. This is actually good. Almost better than Campbell’s microwavable chicken noodle soup.

David

Lower East Side was where a big wave of Jews settled.

John

By me they settle on the beach more. Not that many Jewish surfers. I saw in Gaza on Shalom TV, where this one surfer had to leave his beach cause Israel was giving the land back.

Bernie getting a coffee and running back out of the room.

Shalom TV…nice.  I’ll bet you don’t watch that channel David. Not cool enough for Greenwich Village.

Bernie leaves.

David to John

You always say the right words to make him smile.

John points to himself.

Words. Writer.

David rolls his eyes.

They both eat their soup. John stops and makes as sweeping gesture.

John

The sun rose golden like a Motts-o-ball over Mott Street in Chinatown…

David

Now we have a wave of stupid coming into New York from New Jersey.

John

You must teach me to become a Jedi Jew like you. Help me Obi wan Ka Kaufman. You’re my only hope.

David

Do or do not. There is no try.

John

You just quoted Yoda. Now if I can get you to quote Harry Potter, you will complete your journey to the dumb side.

David

New York is being dumb downed. But if it could get me laid, I would quote Harry Potter.

John

You don’t choose the wand, the wand chooses you.

David

Not bad. I’d use that in a singles bar.

John

Shalom

David

Spell that.

John

Shall o

David

Stop, stop, stop….

Hollywood make Advertising look nice

Girl Patel, Stacey and David are drinking water and coffee as John enters the break room at the agency.

Stacey

…she’s always been a b…and really fun. So wrong…

Girl Patel

…and now with that Fashion Nazi show…or whatever….she goes harsh on all the stars…for the way they dress…

David

How old is Joan?

John walks up

She said they opened an Egyptian tomb…and found a picture of her.

Stacey

She really went after Rose McGowan

David

Shhh…don’t say actors names, You know Bernie is paranoid about some media rep over hearing something and yapping about it to some network whatever and it becoming a thing…

Girl Patel

Who?

John

She was on Ch

David

Shhhhh…No show names…actors..gossip  Seriously.

John

3 witches. I follow her on twitter

Stacey

And his imaginary girlfriend

John

I follow Alyssa on twitter too. That’s why I saw that Fashion show too. I thought why bash Rose….so mean. And I have a theory why J woman went after Rose, Cause she couldn’t go after Alyssa. Alyssa was supposed to be on Fashion… whatever. She got sick. Couldn’t do the show. Was supposed to do the show next week. But I check it out. She’s not on. J woman makes fun of what Rose is wearing in a really bad photo. But then goes way rotten and talks about Rose’s supposed bad plastic surgery. Really nasty. And Joan should talk. Her stiff, plastic face looks like she’s ready to lie next Chavez in a glass-topped coffin. Rose looked great on Once. And rose loved Elizabeth Taylor. Joan always trashed her.

Stacey

Why not go after Alyssa?

John

She’s married to a Hollywood power broker.  I don’t know but…this is what I think. And show business is sick rotten with nasty people. Simon Cow…I mean hello.

Stacey

Unlike Advertising in New York…which is so kind.

Bernie pokes his head in.

There’s my little money-making team.  David…dressed on in black again. Who died? Why not dress like John? Bright colors like you are dressed for the beach.

David

Cause I create. I don’t f…ing surf.

Stacey, John and Girl Patel

But you should…

(They laugh.)

Girl Patel is surfing on her cell phone

Girl Patel

Ah….Alyssa Milano is going to be on Fashion Police tonight at 10.

John

And that’s show biz.

Ever met anyone named O'Shea in Ireland?

It’s easy to imagine what New York City was on Third Avenue. Walking south in Murray Hill from Midtown, John and David leave the fakeness of Advertising  and glass towers behind to something more real…or in John’s case imagined.

David

‘So where do you want to go?’

John

‘I’ve never been in an Irish Pub in New York City. Do you think there will be any Irish immigrants there?’

David

‘Drinking or as Bartenders?’

John

‘Either.’

David

‘I’ll get ya both.’

David points across the street at the Joshua Tree Bar.’

John

‘Isn’t that a tree in the California desert?’

They cross Third Ave.

David

‘U2’

John

‘I’m like a tree in the desert? That’s deep.’

David thinks about saying ‘are you thick?’  But since John is hypersensitive….he says:’

David

‘Like the group from Ireland…U2. It was the name of one of their albums.’

David opens the door to the bar. The walls are dark green and there’s lot’s of black/brown wooden beams. Actually, the bar looks English Tudor to John.

They sit down and a bartender with black hair and blue eyes comes over.

David

‘We’ll both have that dark beer.’

John

‘Really? ‘

David

‘Well, you are into this Irish vibe.’

Bartender

‘O.K. but lads….’

The bartender points to the sign on the wall that says: No singing the song ‘Danny Boy’ at any time.

John

‘My town’s Irish bar has that sign too,’

Bartender pours the beers.

Bartender

‘An Irish bar? Most be a small town.’

David

It’s Seaside Heights. That jersey shore town where the roller coaster landed in the ocean with Hurricane Sandy..’

Bartender

‘Oh yeah, I saw that. You from there?’

John squints from the strong taste of his beer.

‘Yeah. Hey are you from Ireland?’

Bartender

‘No. I acquired the accent over here.’

John

‘Hey, have you ever met any O’Shea’s in Ireland? That’s my family’s name’

Batender

‘Hey, hey, hey… back attacha. O’Shea? No. Never met anyone named Sean in Ireland either lad.’

He smiles and goes to wait on a lady at the end of the bar.

David

‘There. It took a New York Jew to introduce you to Irish beer and an Irish person. That’s New York. That’s America.’

John

‘Hey, I could soo sing God Bless America.’

Bartender sprints back over to them

‘I’ll cut your ass off.’

John

‘Irish people are tough. What other UK ish songs do I know? How about God Save the Queen?’

David

‘That might work in Greenwich Village.’

Eternity-not tan enough, thin enough

John

Looks out the window at an empty, Winter beach.

You couldn’t be thin enough or tan enough. The truth is you couldn’t be young enough to join us on the beach that day. The stars of the beach volley ball gang were crushing it…stretching flat abs…reaching up with smooth arms to spike that ball into the clear blue sky and over the net.  Now and then they laughed with you…and about you and the tanning salon. All across the main land bridge where people grow up.

As a writer, I of course, was above all that. I was just there to set the scene…the summer on the beach in Seaside Heights NJ  A youthful town dedicated to fun - celebrating its 100^th year. Devoted to fun…and making fun…and making fun of-the Jersey Shore is all that. Endless making fun in Funtown.

Yet, if there is ever an illusion that things stay pretty; the winter storms sand-blast that notion away every year. Peeling paint off the brightly colored wooden buildings and shattering signs, the assault makes everything look aged by February.

Still in Spring, there is always the sound of hammers. People fighting for their summer lives.  This year the job is even bigger after Super Storm Sandy. A storm that brought out the worst in nature and the best in human nature. From celebrities raising money to regular people raising up shovels to clear streets  and dumping their Christmas trees on the beach to build new sand dunes. Futility against the inevitable destruction and yet inspiring to see another endless summer take shape.

We always think it takes people to create an eternal summer. But as I look out over the endless Atlantic, I think eternity has nothing to do with us. Might be why we need God to get it. (Oh yes I did.)

Back to you….you couldn’t be thin or tan enough. And I couldn’t paint you ugly enough. That’s what I did with my limited time…what we do with our limited time .

Speaking of limited time… Our time is all about fame. I saw you made it to the Red Carpet in Hollywwod…that’s big…or not at all.

A man claims the roller coaster for America

John and Patty sit on the beach in Seaside Heights. The ocean waves hit the roller coaster that fell-almost intact- onto the area where everybody’s surfs-during Hurricane Sandy.

Pat

Why are we sitting on the beach... freezing out here?

John

Why did you think it was going to be warm?

Pat

No…I came cause my crazy friend asked me to meet him.

John

Beats listening to my Aunt’s neighbor complain .

Pat

Who?

John

Mrs Stern…it’s one big whine..although she has good reason.

Pat

Oh did she lose her house?

John

No. Her cat died,

Pat

That’s awful.

John

Think it was suicide. I think her cat killed herself.

Pat

You’re terrible

John

Well, wouldn’t you? Whiiiiiine whine whine.  Medical talk medical talk medical talk.  You know if a joint medicine could cause you to have a heart attack…why take it? Side effects my ….as….Aunt.

Pat

It looks like a dinosaur

John

Mrs Stern?

Pat

No. The roller coaster in the ocean.

John

It is…now.

Pat

Well I’m glad our houses did ok

John

The sand dunes that block the view…blocked the ocean too by me.

Pat looks down the beach as the wind whips the white sand.

January always seems so hopeless. Lifeless. Dark.

John

Way to cheer me up. Hey look. There’s a guy on the roller coaster.  Shoot, he has an American flag.

Pat

That’s crazy.

John

Yeah, he beat you with his American flag. You could have claimed it for Sweden. It issss off-shore.

Hey look, isn’t that Officer Mike coming down the beach.

Pat

Yeah…that’s your Aunt’s man.  Who’s your daddy?

John

I don’t know.

Officer Mike yelling through a mega phone at the man on the roller coaster.

Officer Mike

Get down from there now!

Man on the roller coaster plants the American flag on the roller coaster.

Pat

Should we stand up and salute.

John

Let’s.

John and Patty stand up and put their hands over their hearts.

Officer Mike

Don’t encourage him. What’s the matter with you two.

John

We’re learning how to be adults.

Officer Mike watches as a coast guard boat zips up to the coaster.

Officer Mike

Well, now you are going to learn how an adult gets arrested.

Patty

Good to know.

Officer Mike gives her a dirty look.

John points at Patty

She said that.

http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local/new_jersey&id=8946170