Rise of the Undocumented Lesbian

John is seated on the steps of the building made famous by Gremlins.  Around the corner bounces Jessica Stein bursting with joyfulness.

John gets choked up almost in tears.  They hug.

Jessica Stein

What the heck’s the matter with you?

John

I’m sooo glad you are ok after the way Bernie treated you…

Jessica Stein gets choked up.

Oh, my God. You are such a good little friend.

John breaks the tension.

We’re having an Oprah moment.

Jessica Stein

And you’re the straight one here.   I’m great. I pulled some of Bernie’s accounts. He took me to court. I won. And we we’re a hit with my little stand up comedy thing.

John

He took you to court.

Jessica Stein

Well, before you were born…I signed a no compete contract. But the judge sided with me. He told Bernie we don’t believe in slavery in New York.

John

Wow. I’m so glad. And I have some ideas for your next stand up thing. I think you should call yourself ‘The Undocumented Lesbian’

Jessica Stein

Too funny. I love it.

John

I was thinking about how you wanted me to enjoy writing the routine too. So right now I want to make fun of the NSA cause they went too far in keeping us safe by listening to …

Jessica Stein

Our farts.

John

Blahaaaaaa You could tell me any thing you experienced as a Jewish Lesbian woman. But I thought we could do something about you running across the border of Greenwich Village and passing for a straight woman so you could get a job in Mid Town Manhattan way back then.

Jessica Stein

Way back then….anyone ever tell you you are charming?

John

No

Jessica Stein

They never will.

John

Blahaaaaaaaaaa. And being taken seriously even though you are shaped like Barbie…

Jessica Stein puts her hands on her ample hips.

Oh Ken.

John

I felt weird when you told the NYJew joke…

Jessica Stein

I’m Jewish. I can say that. We called it that. It’s a good thing. The dudes were getting good degrees and Jewish.  And I was realizing I didn’t want any man and might die alone…oh good times.

John

Blahaaaaaa OK. And the audience thought our routine was funny.

Jessica Stein

I’m invited back. Which means you’ve got to write. And I’ve got to take you to NOBU. There’s so many things you haven’t eaten.

John

Is that a Lesbian Bar?

Jessica Stein

No. It’s a restaurant. Get your mind out of the gutter. No wait. Put it back in the gutter. You have to write for me. Be fierce.