The Season of Hope

Outside John’s office window, a sidewalk Santa is setting up his chimney stand and kettle. John’s phone rings.

John

‘Hey’

Cindy

‘Hey how’s New York?’

John

‘So cool. Christmas lights, there’s a man in a red suit getting ready to collect for the poor…I think. How’s Miami.’

Cindy

“oh, you know: blue skies, blue ocean, old ladies with blue hair.’

John laughs.

Cindy

‘…and I can top your man in the red suit. We have a man in…yellow shorts, brown socks and brown sandals who wants you to write a holiday card type ad…you know all love and stuff. And he says don’t f up cause it will represent the agency.

John

‘Don’t f up? I can feel the love from here. Yellow shorts, brown socks and sandals. He’s a brilliant business man. Why does he dress like that?’

Cindy

‘Cause it pisses off his sons. They dress like white rappers…from the mean streets of Boca Raton. You know…over-sized, t-shirts made for them by their tailor in Paris.  Tres , tres nouveau riche’

John raps back

‘…my caviar tastes a little stale…it turned my skin even more pale…’

Cindy

‘Anyway…please get on this so he can go onto whatever he does with his time. Hey last night, they rented out a club in South Beach. And Bernie parked his Rolls Royce on the club’s little lawn. The bouncer said ‘you can’t park there. Bernie said…then park it bitch.’

John

‘Nice way to talk to a woman.’

Cindy

‘No it was a big Black dude. ‘

John

‘Ahhh…showing more love in this world. Anyway,  I’ll get back fast. Byeeee.’

Cindy

‘Later…much.’

Email form John to Cindy/Miami

Title: The Season of Hope

 Every day, we strive.

But a few times a year, we decide some days are not ‘every days’.

Whether with candles or strings of lights,

this time of year we see hope fight against life’s darkness.

For some, it is a matter of faith. For others it’s a great excuse to party and celebrate.

For all of us, let’s make this a time of recognition: we need to give ourselves  hope.

Beyond us… we need to give that hope to others-whether they share our beliefs or not.

Give someone hope. Tis the season.

Email from Cindy to John/NYS

Bernie said run it.

Oh come...all ye zombies.

John is on the top of a ladder with his head in the attic. Aunt Margaret is standing on the ladder below him-ready to receive the next box of Christmas decorations.

John hands a box down to Aunt Margaret.

‘Balls.’

Aunt Margaret

‘John!’

John

‘What? You said to tell you what I’m handing you so you can hold the lid or whatever. And you wrote ‘balls’ 12/10 last year on the box.’

Aunt Margaret

‘I think you enjoy saying that word a little too much.’

John reaches into the attic to grab a box.

‘Jesus’

Aunt Margaret

‘…thou shalt not take the name of the Lord, thy God, in vain…’

John hands the box down to Aunt Margaret.

John

‘Shalt. I love broiled shalts with a little butter.  I was reading the box again. Does Jesus light up?’

Aunt Margaret

‘He does not.’

John hands Aunt Margaret another box.

‘Santa. See he lights up. Jesus is the son of God…and he always looks thin…usually concerned…Santa is fat…having fun.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Santa was created to sell Coke Cola. Jesus devoted his life to easing people’s pain…and if you believe like we do, readying people for Heaven.’

John

‘Ah but who brought more people into celebrating Christmas?’

Aunt Margaret, taking another box from John

‘You know John. You should talk to Father more.’

John

‘Nope.  Father told me not to come back to confession until I’ve mega sinned.’

Aunt Margaret

‘I’m sure he did not say that.’

John

‘Yes…until you’ve really sinned. Oh, no wait....not 'until.' He said I don’t need to come back to confession ‘unless’  I’ve really sinned. Wow.That was last year. Ya know, this year has really sucked.’

Aunt Margaret

‘I don’t like suck.’

John

‘Oh. I’ve got a weird text. Adjin is inviting me to a tree lighting ceremony.’

Aunt Margaret

‘What’s weird about a tree lighting ceremony at Christmas time?’

John

‘He’s Muslim….oh he sent me another text…Patty sent me one too.’

Text to John from Patty

‘Deck the Halls with bows of dead people.’

Aunt Margaret

‘What does Patty say?’

John

‘Christmas time stuff. Deck the halls with bows of dead people.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Honestly, I don’t understand your friends. Oh wait.  I do. She loves that vampire movie.’

John’s forefinger points down from the attic at Aunt Margaret.

‘Wrong.  Adjin is working at a funeral home. They’re holding a tree lighting ceremony. Patty’s trying to be clever. I have to top her… ‘

John reading his text back to Patty out loud

‘Oh come…all ye zombies.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Might be something to see.’

John

‘I’ll say….Adjin in a suit.’

‘If I die. I wanna go like a winter surfer…in a coffin in a wet suit..with fins.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Honestly John.’

John

‘Or if a great white has gotten me and I’m in pieces…in a bunch of Christmas ornament boxes.  Y-o-u can lable them my Virgo Aunt. You know what one will hopefully say?’

Aunt Margaret

‘O.k. what?’

John hands Aunt Margaret a box.

‘balls.’  

Twilight Breaking Wind

Twilight Breaking wind

Patty can hear the gentle nudging of the waves against Pelican Island.  From her bedroom, she can see the light of the moon rising over Barnegat Bay.  John is in his brass bed with the curved front and iron rosettes-the ocean pounding across from Ocean Boulevard. His cell lights up-incoming message.

John’s phone

TEXT FROM PATTY

‘Can’t believe u hated Twilight Breaking Dawn.’

Patty’s phone

TEXT TO PATTY

‘Twilight Breaking Wind?  Jacob Hack…werewolf with no chest hair. Bella boring Swan…Edward Sullen, depressed, fangless vampire’

TEXT TO JOHN

‘He has fangs.’

TEXT TO PATTY

‘r his fangs  retractable…like a sears garage door opener?Retracting… Ying ying ying ying ying. Click. Retracted.  Bella…I would  die 4 u if I weren’t already dead.’

TEXT TO JOHN

‘Eternal love? Get it? Dream much?’

Patty falls to sleep.

TEXT TO PATTY

‘A boyfriend…undead…wearing cover girl make up- the goth line of beauty…preference hair color….cause he’s worth it….9.95 a box. But u can’t have everything. 8-p’

Patty hears a gentle knock at her door. It opens and Edward Sullen walks in. All of a sudden…werewolf Jacob Hack runs in front of him. His chest freshly waxed.

Patty

‘Boys…boys don’t fight over me…woops

The smooth chested, hairless werewolf slides across Patty’s bed…but with his waxing… keeps on sliding…out of Patty’s window…and off Pelican Island into Barnegat Bay.

Patty

‘Doggie paddle my dream werewolf….doggie paddle.’

Edward Sullen approaches Patty’s bed.

Edward

‘Bella Pelican’

Patty

‘You are my soul mate….if we can find u a soul. Nothing could be better than this.’

Edward

‘Oh yes it could.’

Edward sits on Patty’s bed. His fangs click down. Ying, ying, ying. He leans over and kisses Patty’s thigh. Wherever his lips touch…the fat is sucked out of her leg…leaving it toned and athletic.

Patty

‘Fang-o-suction…I have found eternal love.’

Breaking the mood…Edward breaks wind…

Patty bolts up in bed….awake. She guesses it was Edward who ruined the mood.

A look of horror comes across Officer Mike's face

The antique glass door knob reflects Officer Mike’s uniform as he enters John’s Aunt’s house. Glancing behind him at Patty and Adjin on the front porch…

Officer Mike

‘You two stay outside…go back by the curb…’

Patty and Adjin run off the porch and to Ocean Blvd. Patty glances to her left and quickly to her right….but with the fog and sea mist can only see about 10 feet in either direction.

Officer Mike jumps a bit as something touches his hand. Oh it’s just the  Irish lace on the curtains he thinks.

Officer Mike

‘Margaret! Johnny!’

The house doesn’t answer. And in its silence…the house seems to say it will be there long after the people in it are gone. So far since 1910…the house has been right. Officer Mike’s eye goes to the over turned chair at the dining room table. He fights the bit of fear rising in him. The table and chairs are heavy…oak. And as long as I’ve known Margaret…she has been a neat freak, he thinks. Someone ran through here in a hurry, he unsnaps the button on his holster.  The tiny, glass droplets on the chandelier twinkle like chimes…there is a breeze coming through this house.

Officer Mike

‘Margaret! Johnny!’

Officer Mike walks more cautiously as he moves slowly towards the kitchen. A cold breeze touches his face as he strains to peer around the corner. The kitchen is empty. A chair appears to have been pushed away from the table. And the damned back door is open, Officer Mike thinks. He walks onto the back steps and looks at the shadowy garden. Creeping clouds of mist roll among the stalks of dead Hollyhocks. He turns and goes back into the house and shuts the door.

Patty, sees the shadow of a man go in front of the windows.

‘What’s taking him so long to go through the house?’

Adjin

‘That shadow was Officer Mike…right?’

Officer Mike

‘Anybody?’

He rights the over-turned chair as he walks through the dining room and back into the living room. He looks up the stairs to the dark. As he walks up the stairs he hears someone behind him. Quickly turning around, he realizes it’s the old stairs popping back up after he’s stepped on them. Their sound makes it seem like someone is following behind him. The landing at the top of the stairs is dark as is the long hallway up ahead. Such a dark night has murdered the moon. Flip on a light…no don’t Officer Mike thinks as he drags himself down the hall. First bed room…Aunt Margaret’s. His heart leaps into his throat…his training kicks in as he screams to hold still at the figure in the corner. He flips on the light and sees he’s looking at himself in an oval oak-trimmed mirror. The sight of himself looking so scared causes him to clear his thoughts and emotions.  He looks under the bed and approaches the closet. He opens the door…everything is neat and in it’s place. He goes back into the hall and peeks into the next two bedrooms.  In the bathroom, it takes forever to step closer and closer to the shower curtain. With one small leap he yanks back the shower curtain….a spotless bath tub.

Officer Mike makes his way down to John’s room. Clearly…there’s been a struggle here. There are clothes everywhere. A Harry Potter book is open, cover up on the bed. In the corner there is a wet suit and a surfboard. An Ipod dock  is playing Maroon5’s ‘Moves like Jagger’. An Irish Cross is on the wall next to a poster of Taylor Swift. No one is here. His head jolts towards the door as he hears a sound coming from down stairs.

Quickly he moves down the hall. As he hits the landing, he sees John’s dog Cat skip across the floor. Relieved, he sees John and Aunt Margaret.

John

‘See, he just wanted to have fun in the fog. We should all be like dogs.’

Aunt Margaret

‘What…going to the bathroom wherever and having (whispers) sex whenever they want.’

John

‘No good can come from continuing…Officer Mike?’

Officer Mike coming down the stairs.

‘Patty and Adjin called me over. They saw the front and back doors open and thought something happen.’

John

‘It did. Cat bolted. He couldn’t wait to run out into the fog and around the side of the house. So we ran out the back to catch him.’

Officer Mike

‘Your bedroom looks like a crime scene.’

Aunt Margaret to John

‘You see.’

Aunt Margaret

‘His room is dirty but he’s very clean.’

John walking towards the front door.

‘Come on.’

John at the front door.

‘You guys can come in. There’s nothing to be afraid of…’

Aunt Margaret

‘Well Mike. You must stay for my Irish Stew.’

A look of horror comes across Officer Mike’s face.

Letting the fog in

Patty

'...it's up.'

Adjin looks at Patty's Facebook page with the picture of her and the banshee from the boardwalk's Haunted House ride. Laughing...

Adjin

'I have such a gift...'

Patty

'Yeah, it's one of those gifts you pass on to someone else...it's called re-gifting...'

Adjin

'You will get a new guy from this. Men like women who are fun...in a good mood.'

Patty

'...well I don't want anyone who won't listen to me.'

Adjin

'...complain...but not right away...give him a chance to like being with you...'

Patty

'...I do what I want...I don't want to hear this...if I want to talk about being upset...are you listening?...you aren't saying anything.'

Adjin smiling broadly

'...I know, right?

Patty pushes Adjin's shoulder and spins around to look through the foggy garden towards the back of John's house.

Patty

'Hey, the back door is open...'

Adjin

'Maybe Aunt Margaret is cooking...smokes gotta go somewhere...'

Patty punches his arm. She walks down the foggy sidewalk towards the front of the house. Adjin grabs the Banshee and follows her. Patty looks at the front porch.

Patty

'The front door is open too. Why? I mean it's damp out here...'

Adjin

'...my Auntie's cooking theory is correct...'

Patty stops

'Something is not right...I can feel it...'

Adjin joining her

'Oh no you don't. You've been afraid the whole way over here.'

Patty walks towards the front porch

'...well then you lead...'

Adjin

'...oh no...women can lead...'

Patty turns to look at Adjin

'...really Adjin? Is that all you've got?'

Adjin

'Lead on mamma bear.'

The front porch creaks as they walk up the steps.

Patty looks at the door...wide open...the misty breeze, moving the Irish lace curtains like some ghostly apparition. Adjin leans the Banshee against the house.

Patty, yells through the door.

'Hello? Auntie? John?'

She turns to Adjin.

'No answer and there's a chair turned over at the dinning room table.'

Adjin

'...and you announced to anyone lurking inside that we are here.'

Patty and Adjin look at each other and run back off the porch. They look up at the open door.

'Auntie's is an uber Virgo....neat freak. There would never be a chair left like that. John would...but he wouldn't cause it would bother his aunt.'

Adjin

'Dr. Phil's got nothing on you...Psychology 101 girl...'

Patty sees a car coming slowly up Ocean Blvd. It's a cop car.

my banshee completes me

Adjin pulls up on the side street next to John’s Aunt’s house on the Ocean Boulevard. The sea breeze makes  the fog and mist seem alive…billowing like the sails of a ghost ship through the archway leading to the garden.  Adjin steps out of the car, pushes the driver’s seat forward and grabs the banshee that used to stand in front of the Haunted House ride on the boardwalk.  He leans it against the garden archway.

Adjin to Patty in the car

‘Perfect. Now stand next to her and do something funny so people think you are fun to be with… and I’ll take a picture and we’ll put it on your Facebook page.’

Patty gets out of the car

‘Like… I’m fun?’

Adjin

‘Patty…you're moping...you haven’t been single a week.’

Patty goes over to pose with the banshee.

‘You’re nothing if you aren’t with someone.’

Patty waves her hand in the fog.

‘Look, I’m disappearing already.’

Adjin

‘Well, I don’t have someone and I’m not disappearing.’

Patty

‘You’re hard to miss…riding around with the banshee in your back seat.’

Adjin presses something on the back of the banshee.  It’s eyes light up purple.

‘I was gonna add black, thick rimmed nerd glasses.  To make her more attractive to the Princeton crowd.’

Patty

‘Yes, that banshee would scream Ivy League .’ 

Adjin

‘An idea…Patty, what if next summer the banshee screams test questions at people.  If x is the number of people eating greasy boardwalk food and y is the number of toilets with a 3.5 cubic foot areas,  what is y if y is the value of vomit it takes to fill the toilets?’

Patty

‘You know Adjin, I’m shocked no woman has swept you up yet.’

Adjin takes a picture of Patty kissing the banshee

‘I know…right.’

Patty looks at the picture and they send it to her Facebook page

Patty

‘Life after Don. I’m no longer faceless.’

Adjin

‘Should I put one of me and the banshee on my Facebook page.’

Patty

‘Well, girls will know you don’t go by looks.’

Adjin

‘She completes me. She had me at…

Adjin presses something on the banshee.

The banshee screams

 

Visability is life

Patty climbs through the passenger side window of Adjin's car. From inside, the fog and mist make it impossible to see much beyond the car's front bumper.

Patty

'Never thought I'd say this, but I feel safer in your car.'

Adjin makes the banshee manikin lying in the back of his car moan. Patty jumps and they both laugh. She looks behind them at the banshee.

Patty

'God she's big. She didn't look that big on the boardwalk.'

Adjin

'People liked it. It gave me boardwalk cred.'

Patty

'I had cred when I was with Ron. I've been taking down pictures of us on Facebook. You know, people have unfriended me. Not in a nasty way. They just disappeared. Or not being a couple...I disappeared to them. My Twitter Pat loves Ron account is o.k. But then I have a big Gay following. Next time I'd better use Patricia loves whoever...'

Just then, a hand comes out of the fog and slaps the front of Adjin's car...as if to say don't move...I'm here.'

Pat and Adjin laugh...startled.

Pat

'If you aren't visible...you know....online. You're nothing. Like you don't exist. But what am I gonna post? Scared myself in a foggy walk'

Adjin

'I think a lot of highly visible people are bores. The stars talking about themselves or selling something. The politicians lying. Americans have become fame-whores. And we elect and watch fame-whores.'

Pat

'wow...Adjin you never talk...'

Adjin

'I listen. No one listens. Or cares. You know Patty...being Muslim...maybe I learned not to care what people think. Every 9/11 I feel bad for the people killed and me.'

Adjin drives forward in the fog towards John's Aunt's house.

Pat

'Yeah but being less...I don't know...I feel less. Like I exist less. Like this empty vacation town...fading into the fog. Invisible.'

Adjin

'I'm gonna prop the banshee up next to John's Aunt's garden. And you are gonna stand next to it....and I'm gonna take a picture of you and we'll put it up on your Facebook page....'

Patty

'Title?'

Adjin

'Me? Gone? 'More like Gone Gay for Banshee.'

Patty laughs

'I'll do it. I'm fun without Ron. I'm gonna do whatever I want.'

Adjin

'Wanna scream like a banshee.'

Wait, 'til I press the button. 1,2,3.'

The banshee, Patty and John scream and head off into the fog.

The banshee of Barnegat Bay

As Patty continues her trek around foggy, Barnegat Bay she can't believe how she worked herself up in front of Nautical Notions. And all over a carved seaman she's passed all summer long! She glances towards the dead-gray-colored bay. The black poles where people moor their boats look like peg legs in the mist, she thinks. Wonder if anyone is crabbing on the dock she... as she walks further. I can't even see the dock she realizes. An inhuman moan. That came from across the bay. From where the bridge is...Patty thinks as she hears unseen moaning again in the fog. She squints to see better. Two ghost headlights are moving in the area where she knows the bridge is. Wonder if anyone ever died off that bridge? Patty, stop it right there, she thinks as she walks faster. You're working yourself up again.
 
As she walks in front of the Welcome to Seaside Park sign, she turns to look for the source of the banshee moan noise growing closer. It is now joined by a bone-rattling, click, click, clack, clack, clack. Click, click, clack, clack, clack sound. Oh great Patty thinks, if there's anything scarier than the dead...it's a live wierdo. Especially...in a deserted, foggy, off-season shore town. Just be streetwise Patty...if he comes at you you'll run...towards the ocean and John's house. Fear. She hears every sound....even the worst one to hear. Right behind her there's the sound of tires on gravel. He's following her in his car. Patty walks faster. Maybe he'll pass her by. She looks around. Every house is empty. No lights. Not one! A blast of sound...a banshee screaming.

Slowly Patty turns around. Her head feels safe in her hooded sweatshirt jacket. It frames her view...like looking outside. But she's not safe inside. And whatever it is... is very close. Patty's face goes from fear to anger. She sees the car. She marches over to the car's driver's side to Adjin and punches him in the arm.

Patty

'You scared the ...you scared the ....out of me.'

Adjin

'Why? Who else would have a banshee in the backseat? It's the one from the boardwalk...in front of the haunted house ride. Cool eh?'

Patty

'Yeah, who else?'

Adjin

'Well, Happy Halloween to you too.'

When Barnegat Bay haunts like an antique mirror.

The autumn light shines gray through the slate sky over Barnegat Bay.  Peaking out her window on Pelican Island, the bay reminds Patty of looking into an antique mirror: shadowy, distorted, reflections, tarnished black near the docks. You see yourself differently....in that relection...kinda what you bring to the mirror enters into it. Framed by a lifeless off-season Jersey Shore, today the only thing missing from the haunted bay is a fog bank and rolling sea mist.

At about 3, just in time for me worry about walking along the bay and up to the ocean to John's Aunt's house, Patty thinks, the fog rolls in. But it isn't until she steps outside that she realizes how murky and indistinguishable the world has become. Is it the mist that is making me shiver, the loneliness or how the fog is making ghostly outlines of cedar shake houses. Even the front cottage gardens resemble grave yards with boney, dead twig hands reaching for the sky.

Walking off the porch, she laughs at her unsafe feeling. Seaside Park isn't the kind of place where you have to be streetwise. The wealth ensures mostly wealthy people own vacation houses here. As she makes her way down the grassy path in front of Nautical Notions, she has to remind herself of that. Still, wealth attracts creeps. And they are only a bridge away from strangers. Looking up the path and to the right is a figure in the mist. Oh...who is that?, Patty thinks. Maybe I know him. Is he walking towards me? Most people say hello...there's so few of us who live here year-round. The mist billows around him. Obscuring him and then revealing him again. Is he walking towards me? You know on Discovery ID...lot's of times the nut is the next door neighbor, she remembers. She slows down her pace. Is he waiting for me to walk closer to him? We'll, if he moves, I'll just run across the street, she decides. But he's not moving. He's standing there in the sea grass. Oh...maybe he's staring out towards the bay. Maybe he doesn't see me at all, she reassures herself.He's like...6 foot. Big. Patty trips and all of her senses are heightened.  She has goose bumps. Her mind is telling her to stop, stop stop. Don't walk closer to him. Patty stops and looks across the street. There are no lights on in any of the houses. People are either gone for the season or at work. She looks back at the man at a momentary lull in the mist. I can make out a face. He's smiling at me, Patty thinks. I can make out a...

Patty calls out.

'Hey'

Figure in the mist

no answer

The grasses around Patty's feet blow against her legs-reaching out like tiny fingers to grab her.

Patty yells.

'Do I know you?'

Figure in the mist

no answer

Patty gets a glimpse of a smile.

Patty

'Creepy day right?'

Figure in the mist smiling

no answer

God he's a big guy, Patty thinks. If I move...will he move? Like on Animal Planet? You run the animal thinks you are prey? Could I make it back to my porch. Doesn't matter, mom and dad are both at work. Shoot. And my cell phone is in the house.

The mist has billowed in thick around the figure again. She can barely see him.

Patty

'Answer me dammit.'

Oh that was smart Patty she thinks. Get the smiling maniac angry. Or maybe he gets off on scaring women.

The figure disappears in the mist. Did he move?, Patty asks herself. Fear takes over and she is running across the street with someone close behind. Someone is grabbing the back of her hooded sweat shirt jacket. She bolts and turns around. She puts her hood up. Then realizes with it up she can't hear who's behind her. What if he made an end run and is behind her. She spins around. No one. Her heart is pounding. Oh, she realizes. No one chased me...that was my hood flopping up and down on my back.

She stares across the street. Oh, my God. I was by the Nautical Notions driveway. That man in the mist is that stupid, big, carved sailor smiling at me. Nobody bought that thing all summer.

Patty yells across the street

'Screw you...you  Popeye wannabe!'

The back seat driver.

The boulevard in Seaside Heights is empty and dark as John and Patty walk up to Adjin's car....sitting in the middle of the street.

John to Adjin

'Soooo, what's new?'

Ajdin

'shut up...help me and push.'

Patty

'we'll push.'

Adjin gets out of the car.

'I'll push, Patty you steer.'

John and Adjin begin to push and the car starts to get up speed...until Patty puts on the brakes. Adjin almost falls over the trunk. He goes to ask Patty why she put the brakes on and John stops him.

John

'No...let me ask. You've gotta be ....you know...sensitive...diplomatic with her.'

John walks up to the driver's side window.

'Patty, what the hell?'

Patty

' I feel like this front seat is gonna fall back. And there's no freak'n back seat.'

John

'Just steer and when we get up speed ...turn it on.'

John and Adjin push and the car gets up a little speed. Patty turns the ignition and the car starts. The guys stop pushing, stand and cheer. Then they chase the car as the driver's seat gives way and Patty falls back into the back seat. The car looks like a ghost car as it goes across Lafayette Street, driverless...... and parks perfectly against the curb. Adjin opens the back door and lifts Patty and the driver's seat back in place. He puts the brick back under the driver's seat that keeps it upright.

Adjin

'You o.k.? That almost never happens.'

Patty jumps out laughing. Within seconds a police car rounds the corner with a spotlight on.

Officer Mike

'What's up guys?'

Adjin

'Nothing. Same ole same ole.'

Officer Mike

'You guys seen anything suspicious?'

Patty and John

'No Officer Mike.'

Officer Mike

'Well, you know it's off season. Us townies have to keep Seaside Heights safe.'

Adjin

'We're on it.'

Officer Mike shines a light on the car.

'Good, good. Adjin, that's an awful lot of American flags on your car.'

John

'Everytime there's 9/11 he puts new one's up.'

Officer Mike

'Oh, to remember.'

John

'No. To forget he's a Muslim...American.'

Adjin

'Shut up.'

Patty

'It's true. And we don't put flags up to prove we're American to anyone. He shouldn't either.'

Officer Mike, as he drives off.

'No let him. That's a good thing.'

John

'See the kinda person you please with all the flags?'

Adjin

'I know. Right?'

John looks at the Lafayette Street sign.

'Think he knows about Lafayette?'

Patty

'Yeah, it's a street.'

English Muffins

At a glance, the sea oats on the white sand dunes seem to be blooming orange. But then on a whim or a sea breeze... the monarch butterflies move on to the next flower or sea grass.

John

'...it's so cool the way the little...what does the ad say...nooks and cranies...really do hold the melting butter on an English Muffin...'

Patty sits between Adjin and John on the bench.

'English Muffin...is that how we speak about women now? What did you get lucky with one of the English girls who work the rides for the summer?'

Adjin

'No...he's into English Muffins.'

John

'...not into...I had one...'

Patty

'...'had one' Really John? Oh sure make women a thing and then you can just have 'em and leave...'

John

'...an English....how are things with Don?'

Patty

'...Don who?...I had him and moved on. I'm gonna think like guys. Let's focus on dicks...'

Adjin

'...that would make you a Gay man.'

Patty

'...then all men are Gay. They really prefer to be with men...'

John laughs

'...Patty...when you say...anyway you say it like you just stepped on a bug...d-ic'

Patty

'You're right. I'm one of the guys. I just l-o-v-e my d-ic...my manhood...'

Adjin

'...well, when you have to pee...being a man really stands for something, Get it?'

John

'God.'

Patty

'No. I'm just... wanna be one of the guys... Go ahead... talk about what you were talking about.'

John

'Anyway. It was like 80...so I had my English Muffin next to my Aunt's English garden with so many orange and black butterflies around...'

Patty

'Wait. So you two guys weren't leaving me out. You were really talking about eating an English Muffin?'

John

'Butter melting...lightly toasted.

Patty sees Adjin's eyes go to a Black woman walking by. The woman smiles and Adjin smiles back. His eyes go back to John and Patty.

Adjin

'I like my muffins toasted darker.'

Patty

'I knew it. You guys are disgusting.'

Patty stomps off down the boardwalk.

The Almost-a-Nurse takes Psychology 1

Sometimes the earth tries so hard to create peace. The full moon rises over the Atlantic-instantly changing an ink black sea into an enchanted silver-edged, rolling blanket. The waves bubble and glow phosphorescent- almost at the feet of Adjin. He is still dressed as a pirate, from his job as the operator of the pirate ride, and is sitting next to John looking, as always, raggy in his surfer's finest and their girl just- a- friend Patty.

John looking at the moon rise.

'Awesomeness.'

Adjin

'In this light, you look ship-wrecked.'

John

'Exactly. I'm running the Moby Dick ride.'

Adjin

'You're wearing the torn shorts you wear surfing...'

John

'Yeah, I guess that's why Ivan looked at me and put me on Moby.'

Adjin

'He put you on Moby Dick because the last operator quit when someone puked on him. The bloody boat went up and the puke came down.'

John

'Arrr Pirate. If ye keep using that Madonna inspired British accent...I'm gonna puke.'

Patty

'Question: How does it make you feel to have graduated college and be running the Moby Dick ride?'

John

'Answer: employed.'

Adjin

'So what do you think of working for Ivan?'

John

'He gave me a job...like Bernie in New York. Did you know in Russian...Ivan means John?'

Adjin

'It means dick in Seaside Heights New Jersey...Moby Dick. I remember when I first saw him... he was running the Moby Dick ride. And the ride operator's control's are right under the 'Dick' flashing sign. That's a sign.'

John

'When I run that ride...I'm standing under that sign...'

Adjin smiles at John.

Patty

'In using the word dick so much...how does that make you feel?'

Adjin

'I feel like saying ass.'

Patty

'Really. Why?'

Adjin

'Cause I'm looking at you.'

Patty

'Very mature....or not at all. As you know, I'm almost a Nurse...'

John

'Patty...like I've said...a Nurse is not an almost kinda job.'

Patty

'May I speak? In studying to be a Nurse...better boys?...I'm learning things that will give me great insight to the people around me.'

John

'Oh my God....(to Adjin) oh your Allah...(to Patty)...have you studied...(to Adjin) dare I ask? (to Patty)...are you studying Psychology?'

Patty

'...yes but I'm not judging anyone...analyzing a bit. That doesn't make you feel...'

John

'Patty Freud Boland.'

Adjin

(To Patty) 'How does it make me feel. Like you are an ass...we've been over this. And you...(to John). My English accent is the best on the boardwalk.

John

(to Adjin) My friend does the best British accent on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights New Jersey. Ooo, aim high.'

Patty (To John)

'...and how does that make you feel?'

Moby Dick. The Man.

John sits on the surfer's bench, his back to the  hordes of humanity on the boardwalk-his eyes towards the lifeless, black Atlantic. The bench is named in honor of someone none of the surfer's remember.

Adjin slaps John on the shoulder

'You again? You are on the boards a lot. You still working in the city.'

John

'Yuppers. Part time writer.'

Adjin sits next to him.

'Wish I had your life.'

John

'My life is a Tale of Two Bernies. Two millionaires duking it out...destroying themselves for revenge...through stealing accounts from each other. But....that's why they hire writers...'

Adjin

'Mine is Moby Dick. That's who I work for.'

John

'...oh like symbolically...like a force of nature...or even God...the great white whale.'

Adjin

'No. I work for a big, White dick. What part of Moby are you not getting?'

John

'Don't let your own hatred kill you Ahab.'

Adjin rolls his eyes at him.

John

'Well it's an American classic.'

Adjin

'I hate that...'

John

'What?'

Adjin

'American classics. No sex. No boobs.'

John

'There was a big sperm whale.'

Adjin looks sarcastically. Points at his chest.

'Muslim.'

John

'Just saying'

Adjin

'My Moby is actually running the Moby Dick ride...you know...white & blue flashing lights in the shape of  waves, painting of the angry white whale behind a boat going up and down-tourists screaming...hurling if you are lucky enough to catch one who can't take it. A Seaside Heights New Jersey classic.'

John

'We do so honor our literary heritage here sir. Anyway, I take it from your eye- patch, you are working the pirate ride.'

Adjin

'You are good. Maybe my Moby can hire you until yours does.'

John

'Doing what?'

Adjin

'Oh I don't know what you can do. I've got it. You could fix the brakes on the bumper cars.'

John

'I don't know how to fix brakes.'

Adjin

'There are no brakes on bumper cars, Get it? Bumper cars...they bump into each other.'

John

'Sounds like us. So where is this...Mr Moby Dick.'

Adjin

'Everywhere...he kinda comes up on you.'

John

'Like God. Like that whale. See what you get from reading classics.'

Adjin

'I get to wear a pirate eye patch.'

John

'...and speak a crappy English accent. Bettah than a finger in your eye.'

Adjin

'What? My accent is good.'

John

'Your channeling...Burt from Mary Poppins.'

Adjin

'Let's go find Moby Dick. God....o.k. Mr over-think-oh-so-educated-part-time-writer-no-break-bumper-car-break-fixer.'

John

'Classic.'

That's not a man sexting you Auntie...it's your thumb.

John was more concerned with crossing Ocean Avenue than looking ahead at his Aunt's House in Seaside Park. So he didn't see the police car...lights flashing...parked on the sidestreet near the kitchen entrance. He dropped his surfboard on the front sanddune near the front porch steps and ran around the corner. As he rounded the corner, he was relieved to see his Aunt talking to Officer Mike near the kitchen garden.

John

'Are you alright. Did you try to cook again Auntie.'

Aunt Margaret

'Oh no dear...I was having a lovely conversation with a young man in the backyard.'

Officer Mike

'...who had knocked off the 7-11 in Lakewood...allegedly.'

Aunt Margaret

'...no wonder he was in such a rush...'

John

'I'm gonna just keep listening...'

Aunt Margaret

'well, I was sitting near the garden...and this lovely man jumped over the back fence. He was in such a rush...
I said 'you really need to stop and smell the roses'...I mean they are right here. You need to do that too Officer Mike.'

Officer Mike

'I'll put that on my bucket list.'

Aunt Margaret does a double take at Mike...but then keeps on talking.

'and you know that young man did. He smelled the roses. We talked about the kind you have to grow in the salty air of the Jersey Shore...and you know the street was so busy today....people and police cars driving by...The man had trouble relaxing...kept looking around...'

Officer Mike

'And we were looking too... for the freaking perpetrator...'

John

'allegedly...'

Aunt Margaret

'Officer Mike you are too tense...then the young man... he had to run off. You young people are always...running off...texting...or worst...'


Mike Officer

'...and she didn't  see which way he went...'

Aunt Margaret

'I most certainly did...he jumped back over that fence...he had been in the house. He was so thirsty.'

Officer Mike

'Well my work here is done.'

Aunt Margaret

'And you do such important work People say this is a nice place to live. It takes a lot of people to make it a nice place....lifeguards, nurses and you Officer Mike.'

Officer Mike glows.

Aunt Margaret hands her cell phone to John

'...it was such a strange day. And upsetting too. A man sent me a picture of... his manhood on my phone.'

John scrolls on Aunt Margaret's phone. Sunset on Barnegat Bay. Roses. Me surfing and...
Officer Mike, ins;pired to totally protect and serve

'Well, that's illegal'

John shows picture to Aunt Margaret

'...oh Auntie...see the house and garden in the background? That's our house and that's not a dic....a...that's your thumb.'

Officer Mike

'Thumb pictures are legal.'

The Unofficial MTV, Jersey Shore Tour.

　
Text to John's phone from David

Sooo...ur surfing?

Text to David's phone from John

Almost, I'm on a bench on the boardwalk...waxing my board.

Text to John's phone

When Bernie told u 2 go surf...he meant surf the net 4 more ideas.

Text to David's phone

OMG am I fired?

Text to John's phone

No. He liked your ideas. He's charging the client for your...surf-day holiday

John looks up and can't believe his eyes. Adjin, with a raised tour guide flag, is leading a small group of tourists to the Beachcomber Bar.

Adjin

'And here is the bar where Snookie got punched in the face.'

The group turns and takes pictures of the bar with historically correct polynesian-Italian, New Jersey decor. Adjin then spins around and faces John.

Adjin

'Follow me this way to the beach where Snookie got arrested for annoying people. And look...'

Adjin points at John

'Here is the surfer seen on the opening credits.'

The crowd looks at John. They raise their cameras to take a picture. But then put them down when John says:

John

'Oh what....is there a surfer falling off his board like someone who doesn't surf. That wasn't me.'

The crowd looks at Adjin.

Adjin to the crowd

'No... picture this iconic surfer shot. The sunrise behind him. The surfer makes an expertly sharp turn to ride the wave's crest. Water droplets splash up and catch the colors of dawn as the surfer rides down the moving mountain...that is the perfect wave. Jersey Shore, MTV comes across the tv screen.'

The crowd turns back to look at John

John

'oh...that could have been me.'

The crowd raises their cameras and takes pictures of John. Then they lean on the fence at the edge of the boardwalk and take a picture of the empty beach where Snookie was arrested.

Adjin

'Good news people. Orange shorts with 'I heart Snookie' on the crotch are now on sale-3 for $15.'

John

'3...great deal...cause people didn't want to buy just 1.'

Text to John's phone from David

What's going on?

Text from John's phone to David

u NYers have Broadway & art museums....we have the Jersey Shore tour...punching and hurling spots

Text from David

touring to a Jersey Shore Hurl of Fame

Text to David

that would b Club Karma

Adjin

'And now we leave the boardwalk to T-H-E Club Karma...where fists are pumped and lovers dumped.'

Adjin smiles with a big, phony wink at John like he's proud of himself.

John's celebrity status grows by a little bit. He feels cool waxing his board....coolness doesn't last.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

The founding fathers could have used a brother.

　
John is looking out the window at the traffic moving south on Lexington Avenue. South towards the tip of Manhattan...New York Harbor, Liberty Island, Sandy Hook, Pt. Pleasant...Seaside Heights and Barnegat Bay. Towards home... where the only pressures are: is the surf up or can you get up early to catch crabs today...or watch seagulls...falling in line... with their beaks to the wind.

Email from Bernie to John

Why aren't you at the Timber Underwear meeting with us dear. We miss you. It's
Blythe...not Bernie.

Before John can answer the email... a second one appears.

Email from Bernie to John

Get in here now. Bernie.

Email from John to Bernie

K.

Email from Bernie to John

I see emailing I want running to meetings

John grabs his I Pad and paper and jogs down the hall. He runs into a meeting room with a large modern-looking table and views of the Chrysler Building. But his mind wonders to the way sea gulls stand on the beach...their beaks to the ocean breeze. That's how gulls stand unless...they think you have food. Then one sea gull will squawk, bascially, saying 'the food is mine'. This claim attracts other gulls who ignore the claim and go after anything they can get.

Blythe

'Welcome. welcome. welcome. We're brain-storming.'

John's Creative Director Keith gives him a dirty look. Bernie looks like he just said something nasty.

John remembers Keith hired him and obnoxtious Bernie keeps him employed and allows him to be a writer.

Bernie puts his hands out in a gesture to feel rain.

'There's no storming...I feel no rain. Is it raining brains Blythe.'

Blythe in her sing-song voice

'Actually John we are in the blue sky faze where we are throwing out ideas.'

Bernie

'Yeah, you can throw out everything....I've heard.'

John notices Keith looks angry...at him, not Bernie.

John thinks of some ideas he's had. But he says:

'Well Keith and I were kicking around some ideas. Keith should I tell them a few?'

Keith

'Yes. I thought some were good at the time...'

John

'Well, since the client agreed that we should use wedgies to show the quality and ruggedness of Timber Underwear. And they liked the 'Up Yours' tag line we came up with...like up your quality...'

Bernie to John

'You wrote that. Calm the f.. down. You look like you are about to be shot.'

Bernie's 20-something- year- old son.

'And Timber Underwear is big in Japan.'

John

'But the Japanese are small...why do they need big underwear...oh never mind. Big....successful.'

Bernie

'This business is killing me.'

John

'I wanted to show a re-enactment of the famous painting of the signing of the Declaration of Independence-with all of the Founding Fathers. I want a Black guy who has come from behind and is giving one of the Founding Fathers a wedgie. The headline would be...

The Founding Fathers Could Have Used A Brother.'

Keith

'Oh, I don't...'

Bernie

'Love it. We should have started out with no slavery...we all know our history. Funny.'

Bernie to his son seated next to him.

'Do you know your history?'

Bernie's son

'I went to the University of Miami dad.'

Keith, pointing his finger in the air

'Now that I hear it again...that was one of the ideas we were going to push.'

Bernie's son

'Then why didn't you.'

Bernie gives his son a dirty look to 'shut up.'

From the pressure, John goes into a daydream. He pictures everyone at the table as having sea gull heads, one is squawking...beaks are all pointed at him. During John's daydream, Keith has been pontificating on how the campaign would play out. Someone says:

'we could show Hitler getting a wedgie.'

John comes out of his sea gull heads daydream and says:

'No. Hitler wasn't funny. I don't want to make him funny. People say...like a Hitler. There is no like a Hitler.'

Bernie to his son

'Why don't you talk like that.'

Bernie's son joking

'I went to the University of Miami dad.'

David

'That kind of thinking... that's why I made John an honorary Heeb.'

Bernie to David

'Dressed all in black again David. Who died?'

Bernie to his son

'You went to college for what again?'

Bernie's son

'Art.'

Bernie to his son.

'Oh that's right, our artists in the Miami office got you through that choice.'

Bernie to John

'Next.'

John

'Saddam, Fidel Castro....my friend's grand mother had to flee Cuba because she was an elementary school teacher. Any leader who oppressed people or is a fake....we could write headlines for...right Keith?'

Bernie

'I don't care about elementary school teachers running away from Castro.'

Bernie to Keith

'But this is good.'

Bernie whispers to his son

'Have you done what I asked and tried to find out how he thinks of things...the process at least.'

Bernie's son

'He read too much. He surfs. Hits all the world's newspapers everyday. Scans them I'm guessing. John's here first every morning.'

Bernie to his son

'Very early? Good. Then he can start working with London too.'

Bernie to John

'K... as you say in your email. Go surf.'

John's face broadens to an actual smile.

'Really? Thanks.'

He grabs his stuff, runs down to his office, turns everything off and leaves.'

John to Receptionist

'Byeeeee...Bernie told me to go surf. Don't have to tell me twice.'

John hits the elevador and leaves the building.

Bernie

'Oh wait, I want to ask the kid something.'

Bernie, still at the meeting, emails John and gets no answer. Blythe phones him...gets voice mail.

Bernie phones the receptionist

'Call that kid. Tell him to call me back right now.'

Receptionist

'Surely. What kid?'

Bernie

'The kid, the kid, the kid...the writer surfer boy person John.'

Receptionist

'But Bernie...you told him to go surf. So he left.'

Bernie

'The web the web the web. I meant surf the web. This business is killing me.'

All the sea gull heads at the meeting table turn to look at Bernie.

Then a calm comes over Bernie. Is there more food to feed on?

Bernie

'Blythe. Bill the client for John's day.'

The sea gull heads at the meeting table turn away from Bernie. There is no more food. They turn their heads towards the ocean and the wind. John turns the corner at Penn Station leading to the North Jersey Coast train.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

Ode to Angelina Jolie de Seaside Heights

　

　
　
Patty, John and Adjin sit sipping milk shakes, on a bench on the boardwalk, across from the Beachcomber Bar. With palm trees, a sunglass wearing shark, bamboo wood and tikii totems, apparently, the bar celebrates New Jersey's founding by the lost tribe of drunk, perfectly tanned, polynesian-Italians. Their tradition of drinking, fighting and hurling is maintained to this day. It's the bar where Snookie, of MTV Jersey Shore fame, got punched in the face. Surpringly, that incident isn't on a sign pointing to the bar.

A beautiful woman walks by.

Patty

'Eck. I can't stand her."

John says all in one breath.

'Angelina Jolie de Seaside Heights. You've met her?'

Patty

'No, I don't wanna talk to her.

Angelina strolls by, John thinks, she walks in a way that women's legs are supposed to move...or not.


Patty

'I just wanna trip her. Or laugh when she trips herself. I mean, who has time to walk that way? That woman needs to man up. Look. One foot daintily in front of the other.'

Adjin

'Yeah, one foot..there goes the other foot. One foot, there goes the other foot.'

Patty punches Adjin in the upper arm....near the shoulder. As an almost nurse...she knows the punch is well-placed.

John

'She's creative. Look how she has used a bit of fishing net as a belt, gently pulled, draping down across her left hip.'

Adjin

'That's a crappy fishing net. Look John, the fish would slip right through those holes.'

Patty

'She's not fishing for fish boys.'

John

'I love her. I did a painting of her. Look, her toe nails match her bathing suit.'

Patty

'Not if I stamp on them.

Patty wiggles her girl-workboots.

Adjin

'Oh my God...she's going to sit in the Beachcomber Bar.'

The bar is open, wall-less, to the boardwalk. Some bar stools face the boardwalk so facing the bar, a woman...you know, or man,  would sit with their butt to the boardwalk. I mean...just saying.

Patty

'Hope she takes the stick out of her butt before she sits.'

John

'She just has good posture.'

Adjin

'P-o-s-t-u-r-e.'

Patty

'You know. I'm so glad I'm dating an EMS guy. A guy with depth.'
'Speaking of which...'

Ron walks up and kisses Patty. He sits down next to her. She offers him a sip of her milk shake.'

An old man walks by, pushing his dog in a baby carriage. Adjin and John look at the dog in the baby carriage. They are surprised when they say to each other at the same time:

'Randomness.'

They fist bump.

Ron

'What are we looking at?'

Patty points towards Angelina who is making the slowest walk, across the boardwalk ever made. Her hips and fishing net sway as she breezes towards the open- to- the- boardwalk bar...her back to the...audience.

Patty

'That phony, unrealistic- dream- of- a- virgin-gamer boy-- female-avitar dream freak.'

Ron's eyes start at the top of Angelina's straw hat and move down to her fishing net belt.

'Is that a fishing net?'

Adjin speaks and kinda goes into a daydream.

'Nope. The holes are too big.The fish would wiggle through those holes...and be free. So v-e-r-y free.'

Defense- Adjin looks quickly at Patty. And just as quickly, blocks her. He puts his hand over his arm where she punched him before.

Ron goes to give the milkshake back to

Patty

Patty blows him off.

'No you finish it. I feel fat today.'

Without warning....and..., and..., and... like a super model, Angelina Joile de Seaside Heights, stops, turns, lowers her sunglasses, looks directly at Patty, John, Adjin and Ron on the bench...........and smiles. She puts her sunglasses back on, smoothly turns and walks- toe carefully in front of toe- past the male tikii and into the bar. John notices the male tiki has strategically placed hands. Of course the hands were placed over his ahem...manhood... before Angelina walked by.

John

'You know Adjin...she smells like Coppertone...I think Coppertone with sports sunblock.'

Patty

'So I was right...she stinks.'
　
　
　
　
　

Greetings from the Jersey Shore. Get the hell off the beach.

Text from John's phone

everything alright?

Text from Ron's phone

Old Lady Spiro is ok 4 now

Text from John's phone

wuz talk'n bout u

Text from Ron's phone

she pointed out I wuz spanish

Text from John's phone

she didn't turn out 2b a nasty person w/a heart of gold?

Text from Ron's phone

No heart. No gold. Disneyboy.

Text from John's phone

speaking of...would Mickey say hey boys & girls...get the hell off the beach

Text from Ron's phone

Gov Christy said that 2 save lives

Text from John's phone

he could stand on the tip of Cape May & act as a wind break

Text from Ron's phone.

pulling up

John opens the front door and even with the covered porch, the wind and rain blows in with Ron. Adjin and Patty are back at the dining room table.

John walks Ron in.

'Patty you remember Ron from school.'

Ron

'Hi...'

Ron to Adjin

'Good to see you recovered from your Mission Impossible...chasing the movie screen down the beach.'

Adjin points at Ron

'Your tax dollars at work.'

Ron

'Speaking of...there's reports of a woman screaming by the pier...'

Adjin

'My banshee. Musta shorted out. Wailing for no reason.'

Patty looks at John and Adjin...and then Ron.

'I can relate.'

Ron looks at the crystal ball and ouji board on the table.

Patty

'We're trying to see the future.'

Ron

'If you believe in that stuff...I'd say you have no future.'

Patty

'Oh...lossen up.'

Ron takes his jacket and wet shirt off.

Adjin

'Dammit. Knew I forgot something.'

John

'What?'

Adjin

'My muscles.'

Patty

'Nah. Women who want a guy they can boss around want you just the way you are.'

Adjin

'Thanks?'

Patty

'You are most welcome.'

Ron looks at Patty and Adjin. And then speaks to John.

'Isn't this where we all left off in 5th Grade.'

John

'Never stops.'

Patty

'You were with us in 5th Grade.'

Ron

'Shot peas at you. So says Old Lady Spiro.'

Patty

'You have to be more specific. All the boys shot peas at me. Don't know why.'

Adjin

'Umm...cause you shot pees at us first.'

Patty

'Did not.'

Adjin

'Did.'

Patty

'I was the perfect little lady.'

Adjin

'You would drink Coke and belch with us. That's why we let you hang with us. Still is.'

Ron

'Are you two going out?   Planning to go out.'

Patty

'Oh hell no.'

Ron

'Then go out with me.'

Patty

'Out into the hurricane? John just had us look at hurricane rain through a telescope. You know what all that rain looked like?'

Ron considers something artistic
-
Patty

'Rain. I feel safer already in your arms quick-thinking, rescue worker.'

Ron to Patty.

'Oh really?'

Ron lifts Patty out of her chair and puts her over his shoulder. Patty is laughing hysterically.

Adjin

'Now you'd think watching Tom Cruise movies would give us muscles like that.'

John

'YOU'D think.'

Text to Ron's phone

Lights out in the evacuation center.

Ron

'Great. I evacuated people off the island - where there was power to Tom's River-where there's no power.'

Adjin

'Your tax dollars at work.'
　
　
　
　
　

'You can't kill a walking corpse.'

The thunder of the waves has really picked up- shaking John's Aunt's house on Ocean Blvd. -like an earthquake. The wind whips and howls in pain as mysterious objects crash outside. Patty picks up the crystal ball.

Patty

'So who are we gonna contact? What about your dad?'

John

'No.'

Adjin

'What about just like asking, oh I don't know, questions everyone wants to know. Like will Patty ever find a man....'cause that would make me feel safer.'

Patty

'You're safe. Let's go over to the dinning room table.'

John picks up the crystal ball and puts it in the middle of the table as Patty and Adjin sit down.

John

'So do we hold hands.'

Patty and Adjin look at each other.

Adjin

' We do not.'

Patty chokes for a second on a chip.

Adjin

'Don't make me give you mouth-to-mouth.'

Patty

'Don't make me gag.'

John

'Shhh. Spirits. Will Patty ever find a man?'

Patty, Adjin and John stare at the crystal ball.

Adjin

'You scared away the spirits with that one.'

Patty punches Adjin in the shoulder

'Where did you buy this crystal ball?'

John

'Walmart.'

Patty

'Walmart? Let's ask it something it would know. Oh great Spirit of Savings. When will ladies tourquis panties be on sale. Adjin needs a new pair of ladies underwear to accidently leave in his car- so all can see- and it looks like he's getting some.'

Adjin

'Why are you all up in my business woman.'

Patty

'kidding. You never deliberately left tourquis, woman's panties in the back seat of your car.'

Adjin

'Thank you.'

Patty

'They were purple.'

Adjin to John

'Ah ha! I can prove she's lying. I could not have put purple panties in my back seat. My car has no back seat. It fell over...so I took it out. There's just car floor back there.'

John to Patty

'Gotta give that one to Adjin. His car is all front seat.'
Patty

'Come on crystal ball. Where's my man.

John's cell phone rings. Call from Don.

'Hey, you saving people tonight?'

Oh, no. She's the nastiest person on the island.

Well, you be safe. If you wanna take a break...I'm here with Patty and Adjin.

No we're just good friends now.

Anyway, I've got junk food and chillie.

So stop by. O.k....and watch out for the waves. EMS trucks float away too.

Come on I would never try to surf in a hurricane. O.k. See ya.'

To Patty and Adjin

'Do you remember Don from school?

Patty

'Not really.'

John

'Anyway, he's an EMS rescuer now.'

Patty

'Awesome'

John

'Not really. He's trying to get Old Lady Spiro to leave her house on the bay.

Adjin

'Eeeww. If her home ends up in the bay...nothing will bother her. The sharks will run the other way.'

John

'Hey, I have a telescope upstairs. we might be able to see Don.'

The three run upstairs.

At an old cottage on the bay, Don knocks on the door of Old Lady Spiro. She's known about town for angrily talking to herself, walking into traffic and making people screach on their brakes to avoid hitting her.'

Old Lady Spiro yells

'Open the damned door.'

Don

'Hi Misses Spiro. Remember me? I'm Don from Seaside Heights Elementary School.'

Old Lady Spiro

'What the hell are you doing in the elementary school. What are you...18 or 19?'

Don

'No you were the lunch lady when I went there.'

Old Lady Spiro stares at Don

'Weren't you one of those pea shooting little bastards. I'd serve peas and you and that little creep....Adjin that was his name...you guys would use your milk straws to shoot peas at some blond girl...Patty?'

Don

'I was five.'

Old Lady Spiro

'People don't change. I was nasty when I was 5 and I'm nasty now. Proud of it too.'

Don

'You have to leave.'

Old Lady Spiro

'You have to learn geography. I live on the bay.'

Old Lady Spiro points to the left.

'The ocean is that-away-cowboy.'

Don

'You will be in the bay if a storm surge hits Barnegat Bay.'

Old Lady Spiro

'Ain't leaving. Shut the door when y-o-u leave.'

Don stamps his foot.

'You are sooo frustrating.'

Old Lady Spiro

'People wanna hit me. Love it. But they can't hit me. Do you know why?'

Don

'Why?'

Old Lady Spiro

'Cause I'm soo old...you hit me it's a hate crime. So I've got that on my side too.'

Don

'I don't wanna hit you. I could just pick you up and just take you with me.'

Old Lady Spiro

'I could grab your crotch. How's that... I was a commercial fisherman for 30 years. Outta Poin Pleasant. I know how to grab them.'

Don

'You are... not nice.'

Old Lady Spiro

'Newsflash. I know that. And I've crapped my pants. Pick up that.'

Don

'You did not. This house his immaculate. It smells like...'

Old Lady Spiro

'Old English furniture polish. English...not Spanish Don Juan-ever.'

Don

'Yeah well. I am Spanish. But then you knew that. And I will check on you as long as I can.'

Old Lady Spiro laughs

'Don't worry about me son. You can't kill a walking corpse.'

Don leaves and notices that the waves from the bay are splashing on top of the bulk head.