Well, if I lose my writing job in New York City...what's the worst that could happen? I'll just get a job down here John thinks. He sits on a bench on the boardwalk eating his bagle in Seaside Heights NJ. There's always someone to watch on the boards...but he's actually waiting to see a certain boardwalk character. And here she comes, zipping towards him on cue. She's wearing beach wear-short jean cut-offs and a bathing suit top- and has modified her sandles to accept skate board wheels on them. John is amazed as she leans forward and back to propel herself down the boardwalk. I mean, it would be one thing if she pushed with one foot. But John notices she doesn't. She puts her butt out and then leans forward, fluidly moving, weaving through the crowd like some teenage guy's dream. All of a sudden, John even hears a woman's voice in his ear. Oh, it's Patty.
Patty
'Know what you are thinking. She keeps her balance because her butt sticks out one way and her boobs stick out the other...'
John
'Patty, how long have you been here...'
Patty
'She's seeing the bartender at the Beachcomer Bar...you know...with the tikki motif. Evocative of when New Jersey was in polynesia'
The woman zips by and into the public restroom.
John
'Look, she doesn't even stop rolling to pee...I'm in love.'
Within minutes the woman on wheels zips out of the rest room, across the boardwalk and into work at the Shore Store.'
Patty
'...dude you so don't have what she wants...'
John
'How do you know...'
Patty
'...cause she's seeing a bartender at the Beachcomber.'
John
'...so what...'
Patty
'So nothing. Except the bartender is a woman...pretty blonde like her.'
John
'Oh no.'
Patty
'Oh yes.'
John's phone buzzes that there's a text message.
John
'Oh, it's Adjin. Doesn't anyone work..."
Patty
'....asked the man who called out sick over being off a wedgie account.'
John
'It's Timber Underwear. And it's big.'
Patty
'Well good for Timber.'
John
'Look Adjin wants me to work with him at BS.'
Patty
'BS'
John
'Beach Stuff. It's on the beach. They rent beach chairs, umbrellas...boogie boards... I should really help him. He's always there for me.'
Patty
'Thought he was hanging Banshees by the Haunted House. Guess he's broadening his resume to digging holes in the sand. Exciting to watch. I'll hang out with you guys.'
John looks up at a big lemonade and temperature sign.
'God...it's like 90. If you rent an umbrella, you have to dig the hole to put the pole in. Especially if the customer's a woman,'
Patty
'Excuse me sir?'
John looks sarcastically.
'Don't start. I can't even confess anything. The priest at St. Catherine's told me not to come back to confession until I really do something sinful.'
Patty
'Anytime you want to sin....I'm right here for you..'
Text to John
From Adjin.
'Coming or not?'
Text to Adjin
'Calm down.'
Text to John
'You calm down, I've got a family of fat people coming at me with cash in their hands. Do you know how many holes that is to dig and fill?'
John looks down onto the beach. There's a small line of fat people at Beach Stuff...waiting for uber skinny Adjin. As he walks each family down
towards the ocean where they'll sit, he is holding the shovel and beach umbrellas in one hand and pulling up his baggy shorts with the other.
Patty is watching the scene
'You surfer boys are such a slave to fashion. What is that look...post Salvation Army Apocalypse.'
John
'Post giving a crap. We're not models. I just wanna surf when I go to the beach.
Patty
'You had me at 'don't give a crap.'
John
'I've gotta get down there.'
John goes down the wooden ramp to the beach and Beach Stuff.
'Hi, you need help?'
Customer
'How much is a beach umbrella?'
John
'It's $10 for the day...'til 4:30. I dig the little hole for the pole and take it down too.'
Customer
'Sounds good...I want a blue one.'
They walk down the beach.
John
'Where do you want to sit.'
Customer
'Where MTV will discover me...'
John
'That would be Times Square. They don't cast down here...'
Customer
'You know wherethey shoot. They should discover you. Your skin is glistening...'
John
'Lady. It's like 90...'
Customer
'...and you're so fair...'
John
'Maybe MTV will do a shot across the beach here. That's the Shore House deck up there.'
Customer looks back towards the boardwalk.
'...where...over the Shore Store?'
John
'yup...and that's the lifeguard station. They'll be walking right past you too.'
John begins to dig the hole.
Customer
'So they could be looking at me all day. I'm going to lay to the side of the umbrella so if they shoot the beach...I won't be hidden by the umbrella.'
John
'Sounds like a plan...'
John walks up the beach. Doesn't matter if she gets discovered or not. She'll have a good day with the idea that it could happen, John thinks. People seek 'glamorous' jobs or lives John thinks. But the glamour is all in your head....even if you write or act or make music...actually create something...whatever...it's really in your head. And that's where he left the idea that this 30 something woman is going to be discovered by teen-focused MTV: in her head. It's actually the only place her glamourous life can live.
Adjin runs up to John.
Adjin
'Look. I don't have to wash my butt today.'
Adjin turns around and pulls the waist band of his underwear waist band. The sweat is running down his back and soaking his underwear.
John covers his eyes with his hand and laughs.
'My eyes...'
John takes his hand off his eyes. And glances up to the boardwalk. Patty is giving them a sarcastic thumbs up. John's phone buzzes.
Text to John from the Creative Director Keith
'I'll be working with you on the Timber account tomorrow. Feel better.'
John thinks, Britney must have found out how much work goes into creating. Or they sent something and the client hated it. John almost stops. He thinks, I do feel better Keith. That I'm surviving in such a tough, but glamourous business. And I'm not working down here. John looks at the huge line at Beach Stuff. He thinks: and that's no BS.
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