'You can't kill a walking corpse.'

The thunder of the waves has really picked up- shaking John's Aunt's house on Ocean Blvd. -like an earthquake. The wind whips and howls in pain as mysterious objects crash outside. Patty picks up the crystal ball.

Patty

'So who are we gonna contact? What about your dad?'

John

'No.'

Adjin

'What about just like asking, oh I don't know, questions everyone wants to know. Like will Patty ever find a man....'cause that would make me feel safer.'

Patty

'You're safe. Let's go over to the dinning room table.'

John picks up the crystal ball and puts it in the middle of the table as Patty and Adjin sit down.

John

'So do we hold hands.'

Patty and Adjin look at each other.

Adjin

' We do not.'

Patty chokes for a second on a chip.

Adjin

'Don't make me give you mouth-to-mouth.'

Patty

'Don't make me gag.'

John

'Shhh. Spirits. Will Patty ever find a man?'

Patty, Adjin and John stare at the crystal ball.

Adjin

'You scared away the spirits with that one.'

Patty punches Adjin in the shoulder

'Where did you buy this crystal ball?'

John

'Walmart.'

Patty

'Walmart? Let's ask it something it would know. Oh great Spirit of Savings. When will ladies tourquis panties be on sale. Adjin needs a new pair of ladies underwear to accidently leave in his car- so all can see- and it looks like he's getting some.'

Adjin

'Why are you all up in my business woman.'

Patty

'kidding. You never deliberately left tourquis, woman's panties in the back seat of your car.'

Adjin

'Thank you.'

Patty

'They were purple.'

Adjin to John

'Ah ha! I can prove she's lying. I could not have put purple panties in my back seat. My car has no back seat. It fell over...so I took it out. There's just car floor back there.'

John to Patty

'Gotta give that one to Adjin. His car is all front seat.'
Patty

'Come on crystal ball. Where's my man.

John's cell phone rings. Call from Don.

'Hey, you saving people tonight?'

Oh, no. She's the nastiest person on the island.

Well, you be safe. If you wanna take a break...I'm here with Patty and Adjin.

No we're just good friends now.

Anyway, I've got junk food and chillie.

So stop by. O.k....and watch out for the waves. EMS trucks float away too.

Come on I would never try to surf in a hurricane. O.k. See ya.'

To Patty and Adjin

'Do you remember Don from school?

Patty

'Not really.'

John

'Anyway, he's an EMS rescuer now.'

Patty

'Awesome'

John

'Not really. He's trying to get Old Lady Spiro to leave her house on the bay.

Adjin

'Eeeww. If her home ends up in the bay...nothing will bother her. The sharks will run the other way.'

John

'Hey, I have a telescope upstairs. we might be able to see Don.'

The three run upstairs.

At an old cottage on the bay, Don knocks on the door of Old Lady Spiro. She's known about town for angrily talking to herself, walking into traffic and making people screach on their brakes to avoid hitting her.'

Old Lady Spiro yells

'Open the damned door.'

Don

'Hi Misses Spiro. Remember me? I'm Don from Seaside Heights Elementary School.'

Old Lady Spiro

'What the hell are you doing in the elementary school. What are you...18 or 19?'

Don

'No you were the lunch lady when I went there.'

Old Lady Spiro stares at Don

'Weren't you one of those pea shooting little bastards. I'd serve peas and you and that little creep....Adjin that was his name...you guys would use your milk straws to shoot peas at some blond girl...Patty?'

Don

'I was five.'

Old Lady Spiro

'People don't change. I was nasty when I was 5 and I'm nasty now. Proud of it too.'

Don

'You have to leave.'

Old Lady Spiro

'You have to learn geography. I live on the bay.'

Old Lady Spiro points to the left.

'The ocean is that-away-cowboy.'

Don

'You will be in the bay if a storm surge hits Barnegat Bay.'

Old Lady Spiro

'Ain't leaving. Shut the door when y-o-u leave.'

Don stamps his foot.

'You are sooo frustrating.'

Old Lady Spiro

'People wanna hit me. Love it. But they can't hit me. Do you know why?'

Don

'Why?'

Old Lady Spiro

'Cause I'm soo old...you hit me it's a hate crime. So I've got that on my side too.'

Don

'I don't wanna hit you. I could just pick you up and just take you with me.'

Old Lady Spiro

'I could grab your crotch. How's that... I was a commercial fisherman for 30 years. Outta Poin Pleasant. I know how to grab them.'

Don

'You are... not nice.'

Old Lady Spiro

'Newsflash. I know that. And I've crapped my pants. Pick up that.'

Don

'You did not. This house his immaculate. It smells like...'

Old Lady Spiro

'Old English furniture polish. English...not Spanish Don Juan-ever.'

Don

'Yeah well. I am Spanish. But then you knew that. And I will check on you as long as I can.'

Old Lady Spiro laughs

'Don't worry about me son. You can't kill a walking corpse.'

Don leaves and notices that the waves from the bay are splashing on top of the bulk head.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

A Hurricane and peeing by a Easter Bunny face light

Text from John's phone

'Hey wanna ride out the storm at my house.'

Text from Patty's phone

'Did u move your house from Ocean Blvd or have the waves moved it?'

Text from John's phone

'House is solid. Built in 1911. B sides. UR on low-lying Pelican Island!!!'

Text from Patty's phone

'...don't b hate'n Pelicans'

Text from John's phone

'We could eat, do a seance...eat..contact the dead...eat. Did I mention eat?'

Text from Patty's phone

'More interested in contacting living guys. Will there b hot guys'

Text from John's phone

'Adjin'

Text from Patty's phone

'excuse me I'm gaging. I said hot guys.'

Text from John's phone

'Nope. But here's good news. My Aunt won't be cooking. I will.'

Text from Patty's phone

'No more Auntie's old fashioned, raw chicken in water? k i b there. c ya'

A few hours later-

When Patty enter's John's Aunt's house, the crashing ocean noise and wind whipping the sea oats on the dunes are left behind. The room's billowing, Irish lace curtains and soft lights create a cozy feel....and a surprise.

Patty takes in the room.

'I put my life in the hands of random holiday boy?'

Patty gestures towards holiday lights that are on every table. An Easter Bunny Head. A Pumpkin. A dancing valentine cupid. Shamrocks.

Patty bursts out laughing as she takes it all in.

Patty

'You r=e=a=l=l=y know how to set a romantic tone for a lady.'

Adjin comes around the corner from the kitchen with a bowl of chillie and corn bread.

'Hi Patricia. Johnny, what lady did you invite?'

Patty to Adjin

'Shut up. And what are you eating?'

Adjin

'Chillie. Nothing sets a romantic tone like beans.'

John to Patty

'The holiday lights? I didn't want to buy battery powered lights. So I just thought of all the battery powered holiday lights we have.'

Adjin

'So if the lights go out and I have to bring a light to the bathroom to pee...I'm gonna grab the smiling Easter Bunny face light to see by? I can't pee with the Easter Bunny watching me. I'm a Muslim.'

John's Aunt rounds the corner with a platter of corn bread, cheddar cheese and big serving bowl of chillie.

Aunt Margaret

'Hi Patty. You came just in time.'

Patty notices a Ouiji Board and crystal ball on the table.

Aunt Margaret sees where Patty is looking.

'I don't believe in that stuff. But you kids have fun. Oh... I know you aren't kids but to me you always will be kids.'

Patty bends over, grabs a bowl and begins to fill it with chillie. Adjin deliberately sits behind her

Adjin

'Don't point that butt at me.'

Patty wiggles her butt at Adjin's face in response and lifts her head to John who is in front of her.

'You make the corn bread?'

John

'I made Johnny cakes. Cause I'm Johnny.'

Adjin eating

'you are retarded...but this is good.'

John

'It's an Irish American receipe. What do they eat in the Ukraine...'

Adjin

'Blond guys like you. How the...

Adjin glances at John's Aunt.

Adjin edits his response

'...how the h-e-c-k do I know. I was born at Ocean County...like you. You know that. What do they eat in Ireland?'

John

'Don't know. Once, I said 'eat me' to some sarcastic guy online. He was from Ireland.'

Aunt

'John!'

John

'Auntie'

Adjin

'..so they eat blond guys too.'

How bad is it supposed to get.'

John

'Storm hasn't really started yet. oh my God, that reporter guy who's like our age. He said...exactly this. 'We are experiencing premature ejaculations...evaculations...evacuations.'

Everybody laughs

Aunt Margaret

'That was a funny story but...why did you have to be the one to tell it John?'

Adjin and Patty laugh again.

Patty to Aunt Margaret

'He's a good guy. You did a good job raising him.'

Adjin to Patty

'You're talking with your mouth full.'

Patty to Adjin

'Just think. He could have turned out like Adjin.'

John

'He's a good guy too. And you are a good friend Patty.'

Adjin sarcastically hugs John's shoulder.

'I love you man.'

Patty

'So gay...'

Patty

'...but not in a good way."

Patty and John fist bump

A gust of wind crashes garbage cans by the deck outside the kitchen door.

John

'I should take those in.'

Adjin

'Metal garbage cans. Hurricane winds. Ya think?'

John runs into kitchen and out the back door. Adjin follows him. The wind is whipping.Adjin runs after him and grabs one of the cans. His black hair is blowing, plastic flower pots are blowing down the street.

Adjin

'Dorothy! Dorothy!'

John reenters the kitchen with Adjin close behind.

John washes his hands.

'Thanks..get some hot chillie...yours is probably cold.'

They come back into the living room. Aunt Margaret and Patty finish up talking and both look funny at ...they're finishing a conversation he is not meant to hear.

Patty

'...so I'm good with just being friends.'

John

'When we finish the chillie, we also have ice cream and Oreos...double stuff.'

Patty

'Not as double stuff.'

Adjin

'Sooo not.'

John

'They did cut back on the double stuff. Think we wouldn't notice corporate America.'

Patty picks up the Ouija Board.

'Ever use this?'

John

'No. Just got that for tonight.'

Aunt Margaret picks up chillie bowl and corn bread.

'This is where I leave. I'm going to put this in the refrigerator. Have all you want kids. I mean people.'

Patty

'Thanks Auntie.'

Adjin to Patty

'You're not related.'

Patty to Adjin

'You're not relevant.'

Adjin to Patty

'You're not rer.'

Patty to Adjin. She makes a dumb face.

'That's all you got? I win...as always.'

Patty looks at the crystal ball.

Patty

'So who are we gonna contact.'

Adjin

'How about John's lovelife...that's pretty lifeless.'

 

The Cosmic Surf Shop Dude.

John's phone

Text message from Adjin

So?

Text message from John

Random texting...8-}

Text message from Adjin

Sooo bored

Txt message from John

Go'n 2 buy wax 4 surfboard

Text message from Adjin

@ Cosmic Surf Shop with soo fake dude who looks/talks like surfer but doesn't surf?

Text message from John

B-nice his perfect hair can not get wet 8-O

Text message from Adjin

I'm in. Time?

Text from John

Get over here dude

As Adjin and John enter the Cosmic Surf Shop, the smell of ginger and transendental music fills the air. Adjin jumps and waves his hands around his head...trying to get something off his face and head-John laughs.

John sees they've walked through the love beads hung in rows on strings in front of the door.

Adjin to John

'Shut up man...I thought they were spider webs.'

John puts his finger up to his lips in a sarcastic 'be quiet'

John

'The Cosmic Surf Shop is a sacred place.'

Adjin looks around the shop-taking it all in.

'This is such bull...'

Adjin looks at the ceiling painted dark blue with stars...'but it's awesome bull.'

John

'Ooo. Here comes Cosmic Surfer Dude. Adjin. Just agree with him...so we can hear him...'

Adjin

'Lie, exaggerate, throw the bull.'

John

'Exactly. Why do you think I'm here? I can buy wax for my surfboard any place.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Dudes. Real surfers. Seeing you guys...good for shop biz. It's like, you know when your feet enter the ocean and you bend over, put your board in

the water...'

Adjin whispers to John

'And a wave comes and the board hits you in the head because a real surfer would know you hold the freak'n board at your side...run into the ocean past the first few waves and then jump the board to glide over the waves...'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude, so self-involved he doesn't hear Adjin.

'...and the breaking waves just fill your lungs with salt air...'

John daydreams when people don't get to the point.

John to Cosmic Surf Shp Dude.

'...pardon...what were you saying'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Welcome real surfers.'

Adjin looks up as a tiny strobe light flashes, making it look like a shooting star has shot across the shop's night sky ceiling.

John

'We're here for wax.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Wax. I've got bees wax, Australian Outback wax...

Adjin whispers to John

'Made with real Kangaroo poop.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude goes behind a glass case, lined with Tibetan-patterned wool cloth.

'...Polynesian wax...with a hint of coconut...'

Adjin and John look sarcastically, lovingly at each other.

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'...Hollywood wax...with a kiss of lemon...dude that one will totally highlight your hair if you also use it to make your hair spikey...chicks groove on that look...and Romanian...that one will also take the hair off your chest when you lay on the surfboard...chicks love a smooth chest.'

Adjin

'But if the wax takes the hair off your chest..when you lay on the surfboard...you'd have a hairy surfboard.'

John says with a straight face

'Chicks so groove on a hairy surfboard. I can't get that.'

John pulls his shirt up.

'Chest hair-deprived. Blond.'

Adjin

'Could surf nude...the wax would pull out your pubes...there's your hairy board.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'You guys surf nude?'

Adjin

'All Muslims do.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude moves his head slowly

'Did not know that. Don't know any Muslims'

Adjin

'Why would you? So if you are ever with Muslim surfers  like me...just get naked and whip it out...'

John

'You'll be so in...'

Adjin

'Sooo in.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Will do.'

Strobe light flashes. Another star shoots across the ceiling as transcental music continues to play. Suddenly a radio ad for plastic surgery comes over the store's speakers.

Radio ad

"This is Doctor Patel. Are your breasts sagging, more work to smile because you are lifting sooo much saggitude around the eyes and cheeks. And speaking of cheeks...is your butt hanging so low you feel like you are monkey with a tail?

John

"Dr. Patel. My friend in New York is named Patel. Wonder if they are related?'

Adjin

'I'm think'n there's more than one family named Patel.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Oh yeah. Patel is soo a big family.'

Adjin sarcastically to John

'All related. One family.'

John

'Did not know that. I thought Patel in India was like Smith in America. But you say it's one family. Hmm'

Cosmic Surfer Shop Dude

'Sooo knew that...'

John

'Soo did not. Back to surfing. Where do you surf. I never see you in Seaside.'

Cosmic Surfer Shop Dude transcendental music plays.

'Close your eyes. Think of the mouth of the Toms River....now you are flying, crossing the Barnegat Bay...going across Island Beach State Park....right there. Empty. Natural. White sand dunes...Nirvana.'

Adjin, eyes closed. Being sarcastic

'Where'd you go...'

John

'Open your eyes...'

Adjin opens his eyes.

'Oh, there you are. Never leave me man.'

John to Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Nirvana. Good band.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'...soo good.'

Adjin whispers to John

'Where he says he surfs. He just described where the State Official Beach house is. He must be the Govenor of New Jersey.'

John to Adjin

'...did not know that. He's much thinner in person.'

Adjin

'Camera adds 100 pounds.'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude is busy fixing his hair.

John

'I will take the lemon wax. I'll smell like polished furniture. Chicks love that.'

Adjin to John

'Lemon-fresh Pledge. Chicks sooo love that. You'll be homey, furniture guy...'

Cosmic Surf Shop Dude

'Did not know that...'  

 

Our Lady of Perpetual Snookie.

John is walking back from Barnegat Bay in the  early morning sunlight. He is carrying a crab cage and a white bucket, partially filled with sea water and a four live crabs. As he passes St. Catherine's, Father Michaels comes running out of the church rectory to John.

Father

'John. Just the person I want to see.'

John

'What did I do?'

Father

'Nothing. Well, you could stop sitting behind Britney every Sunday. I think she can kneel fine on her own without your

watchful eyes...'

John

'You saw that?'

Father

'I see everything the congregation is doing John. I'm at the pulpit.'

John

'k. Well have a good day. Oh, I have a text'

On John's phone. Text message: Patty to John.

'The Psychic is disappointed we didn't show.'

John to Father Michaels

'It's my friend. We were supposed to go to see a psychic...and the psychic is disappointed we didn't show up'

Father

'If she were truly psychic...she would have known you weren't coming.'

John laughs

'Sometimes, you are soo cool Father. I'm going to text that back.'

Father

'Sometimes? And could you not text when you talk to me? It's rude.'

John

'Rude? Really? Sure. But when you hang with a bunch of people...everyone talks to each other. Texting and talking to you is like that.'

Father

'See. This is what I want. Insight into your people. Your friends.'

John

'K'

Father

'Speaking of friends. Give me one good reason I never see that dark-haired kid you are friends with in church.

John, thinking and talking

'He's Muslim.'

Father

'Oh. Well what about that Patty girl.'

John

'She's into psychics....um astrology...she says the reason I worry about sin is 'cause my Aunt is a Virgo Catholic...categorizing sins...'

Father

'John I like how you aren't prejudiced. But, if you accept every belief...you have none of your own.'

John

'Well, it's what's good for them. And what I believe is my business...'

Father

'Well, I have something to say about that but right now...I want to know if the kids...not kids...young people... mentioned my cool sign.'

John

'Oh really? Where'd you put it Father.'

Father

'You're standing in front of it. You didn't read it?'

John reading the church sign.

'That's always there. I know when the mass times are...Oh...."what would smoochie do? Who's Smoochie Father?'

Father

'You know. That Jersey Shore person. Smoochie...Smoochie.'

John

'Never heard of her.'

Father

'She's the star...Smoochie!'

John thinking. Then realizes.

'Snookie. Oh you mean Snookie.'

Father, rubbing his forehead, looking disappointed.

'I had the wrong name up all week. Snookie. She kisses a lot on that show I heard. So I thought they called her Smoochie.'

John

'What's a smooch?'

Father turns to run into the rectory.

'Hang on. We have to put up a sign that would get you...and even your New York City friends into the church.'

John to himself.

'My friends in New York are Jewish.'

Father Michaels comes out with a box of white letters for the sign.

'Help me John. Let's get your friends into church...'

John thinking and talking.

'I don't think we should pick on any of the stars...but the whole tv Hollywood...um values..You know Father...wherever MTV

filmed the Jersey Shore, the business has put a sign up that says: 'as seen on MTV'...and they claim the stars are Italians but they really never worship. So why don't you say.  St Catherine's Roman Catholic Church...as not seen on MTV. Then you can talk about all of tv's influence on what's cool or not cool...from organized religion to whatever...even Jersey Shore partying and hooking up...you know lot's of sex with lot's of people. Or how everyone's into being famous. I met a mom type trying to get discovered on the beach.'

Father

'I'll do that. TV values. That gives me a lot to talk about. Very good. Thank you. Did you ever think about being a Priest John.'

John

'Oh God no. I mean if I'm called...'

John's phone indicates a text message. He picks up his crab cage.

Text from Patty

'U alive? On the toilet? Gonna answer me?'

Text to Patty

'If the psychic were psychic...she would have known we weren't coming. Father Michaels gave me that 1.  byes 8-)'

Mission Impossible-Hangn on the beach like Tom Cruise

Text to Pattty from John

'Hey. Howd u lik 2 c Tom Cruise on the beach?'

Text to John from Patty

'Hey Playa, Howd u lik 2 c the charmed chick Alyssa whatever? 8-)'

Text to Patty from John

'Milano. They're showing Mission Impossible on the beach.'

Text to John from Patty

'Mission Impossible...gd name 4 ur chances of getting some tonight.'

Text to Patty from John

'C'mon It's supposed to b windy. Adjin's running this. May b the screen will blow around n Adjin will hav 2 fix it.'

Text to John from Patty

'Itll blow alright. Funtown end of bwalk?

Text to Patty from John

yuppers

Text to John from Patty

U helpn adjin?

Text to Patty from John

can't... afraid of heights member?

Text to John from Patty

Thought your God would protect u. ;-)

Text to Patty from John

I'ma low level Catholic. My faith only goes up about 10 ft. Above that..i.'m on my own.

Text to John from Patty

b there. time?

Text to Patty from John

10 c ya

Text to John from Patty

latr much playa 8-{}

The breeze was blowing strong off the ocean when Patty found John on the beach among the crowd of mostly teenagers.

Patty. She's wearing a Touch Alyssa Milano Mets shirt and short jeans shorts.

'Hey'

John

'Hey. Check it out....that angry guy, pounding something on the movie screen-right near the Funtown sign.'

Patty

'Angry Funtown boy'

John shouting up at Adjin.

'Hey up there. Funtown boy. We having fun yet?'

Adjin flips him off.

Man on blanket next to John

'Did he just give you the finger. There's families here.'

Patty

'No. He's from the Ukraine. That's how they wave hello.'

Man on blanket next to John looks suspicious at Patty's answer.

Patty quickly demonstrates a convoluted wave.

Man on blanket next to John's

'Oh. That's interesting. So he gave you a Ukrainian wave hello'.

Man on blanket next to John tries the phony Ukrainian wave Patty just made up.

Patty

'You're getting it. But don't do that..'.

Patty runs over and whispers in man's ear.

Patty, standing up

'...and you don't want people to think you're saying t-h-aa-t'

Man on blanket next to John

'Oh no I wouldn't want people to think I'm saying that. I'll leave the Ukrainian wave to the experts'

John stares at Patty

'Oh what a tangled web we weave...'

Patty

'...when we believe God won't protect us if we climb above 10 feet?'

A gust blows the movie screen hard The movie starts. And then stops...the crowd playfully boos and people throw candy towards the screen.

Official from Ocean County Parks and Recreation-yells in a mega phone.

'No candy throwing people. Popcorn yes. Candy no.'

Patty laughing

'Candy no. Popcorn yes?'

John

'Popcorn won't reach the screen. And if it blows away the sea gulls will eat it.'

Patty

'Interesting or not at all....'

John

'Barry works for the city. I know all about garbage now'

Patty

'White trash Barry'

John

'Nice.You liked him. Really liked him.'

John gestures towards a big woman

'What is that called? And why would anyone wear it'

Patty says and then stares at John for his reaction

'It's called a moo moo.'

John

'Oh, I see. Got milk?'

Patty

'Not nice.'

Adjin runs by and punches the movie camera. It starts. 'Mission Impossible' written on black film appears on the movie screen....along with the Mission Impossible theme as Adjin runs back by to secure a movie screen that is really shaking in the wind.

Patty

'This i-s fun.'

As Tom Cruise is climbing a cliff on the movie screen, Adjin is climbing the Funtown sign and then stepping to the side of the movie screen. One corner of the screen has come loose and is blowing wildly in the wind.

Patty

'He could really use your help.'

John

'I can't climb that high...'

Patty

'He's your friend and he's hanging like Tom Cruise.'

John

'Dammit'

John jumps up... runs up the boardwalk and on to the Funtown pier. He begins to climb the waving movie screen. The right side of the audience applauds John as he climbs

Adjin looks down the ladder and holds out a hand to pull John up. Now some people in the audience stand up to watch John and Adjin better. A young cop appears at the bottom of the ladder John is on.

Young cop yells up

'You are o.k. son.'

John yells down.

'Son? Harvey I went to school with you.'

Harvey yelling up the ladder

'Johnny? Thought you were afraid of heights, You wouldn't even ride the horse on the merry-go-round that went up and down when we were little.'.

John yells down

'I'd move if I were you.'

Harvey

'You're doing fine. You won't fall on me.'

John yells down

'I feel like I'm going pee my pants. I'd move if I were you.'

Adjin and John try to secure the movie screen as Tom Cruise climbs higher on the cliff. The screen begins to unhinge. People, watching on the beach begin to stand up.

Man on the blanket next to John grabs his family and runs to the boardwalk. Patty grabs his popcorn bucket and sits back down on the blanket.

Patty staring up at the movie screen

'Awesomeness'

Harvey the young cop waves for people to move aside. Yelling down from the Funtown pier.

'She's gonna blow off.'

Patty keeps eating pop corn and watching the scene.

All at once...the screen unhinges, falls, hits the sand and begins to roll over the blankets where the audience had been. Patty ducks down-protecting the popcorn bucket-as the screen rolls over her and head and down the beach. John and Adjin, scramble down the ladder and jump off the Funtown Pier onto the sand. They run off after the screen as it tumbles into the darkness. Patty jumps up and chases after them.

Harvey the young cop

'Show's over folks.'

Little Boy to young cop

'Oh...ya think?'

Harvey the young cop bends down to put his face next to the Little Boy's

'Respect your elders...especially your policemen son'

Little Boy puts his mouth on his arm and makes a fart noise. He runs away.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　　

　
　
　

　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

Total BS: Beach Stuff rentals & glamour.

Well, if I lose my writing job in New York City...what's the worst that could happen? I'll just get a job down here John thinks. He sits on a bench on the boardwalk eating his bagle in Seaside Heights NJ. There's always someone to watch on the boards...but he's actually waiting to see a certain boardwalk character. And here she comes, zipping towards him on cue. She's wearing beach wear-short jean cut-offs and a bathing suit top- and has modified her sandles to accept skate board wheels on them. John is amazed as she leans forward and back to propel herself down the boardwalk. I mean, it would be one thing if she pushed with one foot. But John notices she doesn't. She puts her butt out and then leans forward, fluidly moving, weaving through the crowd like some teenage guy's dream. All of a sudden, John even hears a woman's voice in his ear. Oh, it's Patty.

Patty

'Know what you are thinking. She keeps her balance because her butt sticks out one way and her boobs stick out the other...'

John

'Patty, how long have you been here...'

Patty

'She's seeing the bartender at the Beachcomer Bar...you know...with the tikki motif. Evocative of when New Jersey was in polynesia'

The woman zips by and into the public restroom.

John

'Look, she doesn't even stop rolling to pee...I'm in love.'

Within minutes the woman on wheels zips out of the rest room, across the boardwalk and into work at the Shore Store.'

Patty

'...dude you so don't have what she wants...'

John

'How do you know...'

Patty

'...cause she's seeing a bartender at the Beachcomber.'

John

'...so what...'

Patty

'So nothing. Except the bartender is a woman...pretty blonde like her.'

John

'Oh no.'

Patty

'Oh yes.'

John's phone buzzes that there's a text message.

John

'Oh, it's Adjin. Doesn't anyone work..."

Patty

'....asked the man who called out sick over being off a wedgie account.'

John

'It's Timber Underwear. And it's big.'

Patty

'Well good for Timber.'

John

'Look Adjin wants me to work with him at BS.'

Patty

'BS'

John

'Beach Stuff. It's on the beach. They rent beach chairs, umbrellas...boogie boards... I should really help him. He's always there for me.'

Patty

'Thought he was hanging Banshees by the Haunted House. Guess he's broadening his resume to digging holes in the sand. Exciting to watch. I'll hang out with you guys.'

John looks up at a big lemonade and temperature sign.

'God...it's like 90. If you rent an umbrella, you have to dig the hole to put the pole in. Especially if the customer's a woman,'

Patty

'Excuse me sir?'

John looks sarcastically.

'Don't start. I can't even confess anything. The priest at St. Catherine's told me not to come back to confession until I really do something sinful.'

Patty

'Anytime you want to sin....I'm right here for you..'

Text to John

From Adjin.

'Coming or not?'

Text to Adjin

'Calm down.'

Text to John

'You calm down, I've got a family of fat people coming at me with cash in their hands. Do you know how many holes that is to dig and fill?'

John looks down onto the beach. There's a small line of fat people at Beach Stuff...waiting for uber skinny Adjin. As he walks each family down

towards the ocean where they'll sit, he is holding the shovel and beach umbrellas in one hand and pulling up his baggy shorts with the other.

Patty is watching the scene

'You surfer boys are such a slave to fashion. What is that look...post Salvation Army Apocalypse.'

John

'Post giving a crap. We're not models. I just wanna surf when I go to the beach.

Patty

'You had me at 'don't give a crap.'

John

'I've gotta get down there.'

John goes down the wooden ramp to the beach and Beach Stuff.

'Hi, you need help?'

Customer

'How much is a beach umbrella?'

John

'It's $10 for the day...'til 4:30. I dig the little hole for the pole and take it down too.'

Customer

'Sounds good...I want a blue one.'

They walk down the beach.

John

'Where do you want to sit.'

Customer

'Where MTV will discover me...'

John

'That would be Times Square. They don't cast down here...'

Customer

'You know wherethey shoot. They should discover you. Your skin is glistening...'

John

'Lady. It's like 90...'

Customer

'...and you're so fair...'

John

'Maybe MTV will do a shot across the beach here. That's the Shore House deck up there.'

Customer looks back towards the boardwalk.

'...where...over the Shore Store?'

John

'yup...and that's the lifeguard station. They'll be walking right past you too.'

John begins to dig the hole.

Customer

'So they could be looking at me all day. I'm going to lay to the side of the umbrella so if they shoot the beach...I won't be hidden by the umbrella.'

John

'Sounds like a plan...'

John walks up the beach. Doesn't matter if she gets discovered or not. She'll have a good day with the idea that it could happen, John thinks. People seek 'glamorous' jobs or lives John thinks. But the glamour is all in your head....even if you write or act or make music...actually create something...whatever...it's really in your head. And that's where he left the idea that this 30 something woman is going to be discovered by teen-focused MTV: in her head. It's actually the only place her glamourous life can live.

Adjin runs up to John.

Adjin

'Look. I don't have to wash my butt today.'

Adjin turns around and pulls the waist band of his underwear waist band. The sweat is running down his back and soaking his underwear.

John covers his eyes with his hand and laughs.

'My eyes...'

John takes his hand off his eyes. And glances up to the boardwalk. Patty is giving them a sarcastic thumbs up. John's phone buzzes.

Text to John from the Creative Director Keith

'I'll be working with you on the Timber account tomorrow. Feel better.'

John thinks, Britney must have found out how much work goes into creating. Or they sent something and the client hated it. John almost stops. He thinks, I do feel better Keith. That I'm surviving in such a tough, but glamourous business. And I'm not working down here. John looks at the huge line at Beach Stuff. He thinks: and that's no BS.