The Newbie Boardwalk Announcer

Announcements

John walks across the living room to say goodbye to Aunt Margaret. The early evening sea breeze billows the Irish lace curtains behind her in the chair. She is wearing a blue patterned Suzanne Somers lounging  outfit with matching faux cobalt blue jewelry.

John

‘I’m going to the boardwalk. Adjin is going to make the announcements. He has a script to read but it could get funny or something.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Oh. Have fun. Where is the going well bridge in New York City? That’s all they are talking about?’

John

“Never heard of it. Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan, Gowanus ‘

Aunt Margaret

‘Oh gowheneveryouwannas   You kids are always having fun with the way you talk.’

John

‘No Gowanus nas is a bridge. Going well bridge. Maybe it goes to Westchester…no, that would be doing well get me outta the city bridge.

John sees the TV Aunt Margaret is watching. He sees a traffic list: Bridges that are going well: George Washington, Brooklyn…He thinks OMG. Going well bridge. Decides not to correct Aunt Margaret

‘Gotta go.’

John crosses Ocean Blvd past the sand dunes. In a gazebo on the boardwalk, Patty is waiting with Father Thomas?”

Father

‘I have quite the announcement for you.’

John

‘kaaaay’

Father

‘I heard you’ve been especially missing your father lately. But your Heavenly Father is always with you…looking out for you.’

Patty rolls her eyes until Father Thomas glances around to include her and she quickly smiles.

Father Thomas

“Lutherans too.’

Patty

“Oh…yeah.’

John

“I know. I’m o.k.  I just get down.’

Then to Patty

‘And you have to get up. Adjin is going to make the boardwalk announcements.’

Patty

“Sweet. Maybe he’ll goof up and I can ride him for it.’

Father Thomas

‘Thought that was your little Muslim friend?’

John

“He is our friend.”

Patty

‘That’s why we want to make fun of him.’

Father Thomas

‘Tell him his Heavenly Father is looking out for him too.’

John

‘k. Thanks.’

Patty gets up and whispers

“where was God looking  when he gave me thunder thighs.’

John

“thunder thighs. Wasn’t that Thor’s wife?

Patty punches John’s arm as they wave goodbye to the Priest and head into the boardwalk crowd.

Within minutes of sitting down, on a bench in the middle of the boardwalk, a tapping comes over the loudspeakers that run along the beach.

Adjin’s voice

‘Hello? Hello? Hello? Is this on?

Another, older voice says

‘You are on just keep your finger on the button and read the script.’

Adjin

“Ah, it k, by eek’

Another, older voice.

“Do you see the red button on the microphone? Hold it and read the damned script.’

Loud feedback comes across the speakers making people hold their ears and laugh.

Patty holding her ears.

‘Sweet.’

Adjin’s voice

‘Good Evening and welcome to Seaside Heights, celebrating 100 years of fun since 1913…well not really 100 years.

Older voice says something to Adjin

‘No bikes or skate boards are allowed on the boardwalk after 9am. And they are a pain about it too. Those summer cops on bikes will chase you down and make you come to police headquarters- like a cop can act all kinds of hardcore on a bike.’

Older voice says something to Adjin about keeping to the script.

‘There will be Fireworks tonight at 9pm. What? Oh actually correction, they’ve been moved to Wednesday.’

Patty to John

‘The fireworks were always on Wednesdays.’

Adjin

‘Swimming is prohibited until the Life Guards return at 9am.  You don’t wanna go swimming at night…I mean have you seen Jaws?’

An older voice says something about keeping to the script.

Adjin

‘There are multi-ride tickets available for both the Funtown and Casino Piers. And if your kid is crying don’t make him go on something he’s afraid of. My friend John couldn’t even go on the horses that go up and down on the merry go round. He was afraid…but now he surfs.’

John

“I could die. I should die. No woman will want me after that announcement.’

Patty

“Nah. You’ll attract a woman who likes to boss and is looking for a man who likes to be bossed,’

John

‘I don’t like to be bossed.’

Patty

‘Yes you do.’

John

‘Whatever. I don’t want to argue.’

Patty smiles, satisfied she won.

Adjin

‘And a special thanks to the South Jersey Muslim Support Network for your kind words of support in my new job.’

Patty to John

The South Jersey Muslim Support Network. That’s impressive.’

John

‘That’s old lady O’Brien. She goes to my church. Lives in that purple-gray house by the bay. Used to be a Hippy. Now she fights for underdogs. And dogs too come to think about it.’

Adjin’s voice

‘Shoes are required on the boardwalk. You get a splinter we don’t want to be handling your sweaty old feet.

Microphone sounds like it’s being dragged.

Older man’s voice

Thank you Adjin. Nite folks.

Patty

‘Pretty funny. Now if we can have a debagging on the boardwalk…might be an o.k. nite.’

Adjin walks up to John and Patty on the bench.

Adjin

“sooo’

John

‘good’

Adjin

‘They’re gonna call me if they need me again.’

Patty

‘I’ll bet.’

A comedy script for Carolines in the city

John sits at the end of the pier in Seaside Park. Ahead to the horizon...all ocean. Patty comes up behind him.

 He hands Patty a stand up routine he wrote for a friend.

John

Danny is going to do a stand up comedy routine at Caroline's in the City.

Patty

Didn't he stutter?

John

Still does. So I played off it. He liked it. Like he's attacking a fear...or something..in mega public on stage.

Comic comes on stage at Caroline’s in the City.

Hey I’m Danny.

Brooklyn in the house?

Well I’ve gotta ask. If you are in the house…who’s in your house ripping you off? I think  Homie making himself at home with your stuff while you are here.

Oh, don’t be hating. I know Brooklyn. Grew up there….

Well…not so much grew up… as much as ducked…bullets

I went to school through two gang areas.  Wear red…you tick one gang off. Wear blue…tick off the other gang.

I wanted to please everyone. So I mixed blue and red together…which made lavender. Ticked off everyone. Who’s your Daddy? I don’t know. Awkward.

Right about now, you might ask : what’s a guy who stutters doing on a comedy showcase stage?

If you ever have an emergency…you might ask: what’s that aspiring comic who stutters doing answering my 911 call?

(Holds hand up to ear as if speaking on a phone.)

Nine, nine, nine,  one ,one. Wha, wha, what’s your emergency? La lady!  The most important thing for you to do is to stay ccccccalm while I'll send help.

Excuse me La lady…just because you are bleeding out…yes I know…bleeding out… doesn’t give you the right to hate on my speech.

911 Operators have feelings too.

Even with the stuttering thing… I got  a lot of good friends. One set me up with a job interview at a major car dealership. Big money. Mucho cho. Did I mention I stutter in two languages? English and Spanish. I’m bi-stuttero.

Anyway, I was so psyched. Then I got there and looked at the sign: Mitsubishis Motors? Really? I’m supposed to pronounce that? Couldn’t be a Fiat or Ford Dealership. I’m good with f words. Hey I’m from New York.

Tried teaching driving. Beautiful, Student Driver gets in car. She’s new at this. Keeps looking at me and not the road when she talks.  Goes to drive. I say, might, might, might wanna look before you pull out in traffic. She looks at me and asks: am I making you nervous? Noooo I stutter. We drive further. Come to the first busy street.  With that I see there’s a red light ahead. She doesn’t. She’s looking at me. I say sttaa sttaaa staa stop. She looks at me and smiles. I still think you are cute. I say I still think you should stop at this red light. She goes right through the red light…the mad busy intersection. I tell you…I didn’t see my life go before my eyes. I saw Charlie Sheen’s life. It’s a better life. Cars are honking. Fingers are going up. Blind guy being dragged by his dog is trying to give us the finger. Babies are giving us the finger. Hey, New Yorkers know how to raise their kids.  I look behind me at the now empty cross walk. Said to the Student Driver. Next time, that blind guy’s dog may not be able to drag him out of the way sooo fast.

Blind guy, on his stomach being dragged by his dog. Some people have it worst than me. I know. And  even with the job stuff…I’m doing o.k.

(takes out check book and acts like he has a cell phone to his ear again.)

Just a sec. I’ll tell you what I have in my Savings Account. Accccount Ba…ba….ba balance Say your account number now followed by the pound sign. 111 109000555.

I’m sorry…you are a valued…… entity. In order to serve  many customers quickly…your session has timed out. Let’s try again.

Say your account number now followed by the pound sign.

109000fa,fa,fa5555.

I’m sorry you are a valued…. entity. In order to serve many customers quickly…your session has timed out.

(Takes hand away from ear…puts check book away)

oh pound this Wells Fargo.

Anyway, I have money when I can get to it.

But I just don’t have time to meet a woman to spend it with. So the same friend who set me up with Mitsubishi….can anyone say the name of that car company? Anyway, my friend said he knew of the best place to meet lots of women fast. And you don’t have to have a TV show and tiger blood. Sweet.

Speed dating. Yeah, I wouldn’t have thought that would be good for me either. But I gave it a try.

I sat across from the first woman.

Said, my name is MmmmmDanny. Thought great, I got my name out….

Speed Date Specialist came up to our table,  rang a bell. Date over.

My first speed date woman said…a pleasure meeting you…and ran like hell. Guesssing she was in a hurry to get to the next date.

After the Speed Date bump…I thought enough talking. Tried to date over the Internet. Found a great girl. Great girl. Took time to learn a lot about her. Liked what she said about her family. Could see myself in her family. I could sooooo see myself in her family. She told me more.  I was like whoa. Said hold up.  Aren’t you my cousin? Awkward.

I still feel like a playa…

And I have really found my forte in this talking, talking, talking world.

Any fool can talk. I Mime.

(Draws a door in the air, walks through it, closes imaginary door, waves bye to audience and leaves stage.)

Patty

I like it.

John looks straight ahead at the ocean's horizon.

I like looking out at the ocean...no one judges me out there.

Patty

So true. You have to turn around and look towards shore. That's where we laugh at you for falling off your surfboard.

The boardwalk life

John bolts past Patty and Adjin on his front porch…almost knocking them over. A lamp shines through billowing Irish lace curtains in the living room window.

Patty

Hello?

John

Igotta get out of here.

Adjin

Did you and your Aunt have a fight?

John

Worst. She’s wearing those Suzanne Somers pajamas….…with the matching emerald green jewelry…

Patty

No that’s called ….lounge-wear.

John

…and Officer Mike is coming over.

Patty

So?

John

So what if he’s wearing cop pajamas. You know once you see something like that…it ruins ya

They cross the street to the boardwalk and dunes. Up far ahead is the Funtown Pier with it’s huge ferris wheel and roller coasters.  As they cross the street, a car full of girls yell out:

Girls yelling

Oh look.. a boy band is in town

Patty

I’m a girl. Get out of the car and I’ll kick your butts.

Adjin

Don’t yell that. We don’t need a bunch of girls jumping us.

John

No. I’m ok with that.

They walk onto the boardwalk and head towards the Seaside Park Pier.

Ajin

Any way Patty. That song is about a girl who wants to be called Maybe…cause that means she is up for something.

Patty

Are you stupid? Are you a stupid man. She’s saying this is crazy, but here’s my number. So call me….maybe?

Adjin says and looks to John for support

No. Call me Maybe!

John to Adjin

Back to the girls in the car. Do you think if we see them again…they’d jump us?

Patty jumps on John’s back.

An older couple walking by say

See, the girls are as bad as the boys.

They reach the candy store and John goes up to the counter.

Chocolate covered bacon

John turns to Patty and Adjin

You have to try this.

To the clerk

And three large cokes.

Screw Mayor Bloomberg. Nanny man.

Patty to a confused Adjin

The Mayor of New York banned large sugar drinks to everyone but John thinks he was just talking to him.

They eat the messy bacon as they walk.

John

If you eat it right…small particles get caught in your teeth and it looks like your teeth are rotten.

Patty

Why hasn’t a woman snapped you up.

Adjin

Look at the beachcomer bar. They’re adding a second level.

Patty

Yup it pays to have Snookie get punched in the face on national tv in your bar.

John to Adjin

Still leading the Jersey Shore tour around town?

Patty

Here’s where so and so hurled, got drunk, got punched, got arrested. You know the cops in this town never arrested me.

Adjin sees a fat girl and points

Thar she blows.

Since he was looking at the girl…he doesn’t see the large metal garbage can in the middle of the boardwalk and walks into it with a bang.

Teens on a bench clap

Patty

Karma. See, that’s what you get.

John to Patty

You don’t want just any cop to arrest you.  I see who you look at.

Patty

You are looking at who I'm looking at? You need to get a life.

John

I have one…this is it.