Darth Bernie

Darth Bernie

The other Bernie is a learned man whose insatiable need to consume everything -from other agencies to restaurant menus –has led him to have a body that resembles a white grub – bloated with food, white fat ready to spill over his 8 foot long, black glass desk.

Bernie

‘Consolidated Freight, Storage and Corn-based Chips.  I want to know how this happened? How were we not in the pitch? How did that agency get that account.’

Mick

‘Bernie’s agency is well-regarded..’

Bernie

‘Don’t tell me about Bernie. I never ran into him growing up on Sutton Place. And I’ll tell you something…they would never let him into Park Avenue. No where near where I live.  He’s a fish monger’s son.  His people come from some Russian tribe, raped by Vikings. My mother was a Cohen. I am the real deal. This agency is the real deal. He is is a sham. A few creatives running around and two people offices with low level account people nationwide…and now in London.  Who is on the account?’

Mick

‘I don’t know.’

Bernie

‘Find out. I want this account. I want them.’

Mick nods and runs out of the office.

Bernie points a remote control at the blinds on his window.  The Madison Avenue sun shines on Bernie. ..he made it shine on him.

The white sand slips between John’s feet as he walks on the beach in Seaside Heights NJ. He looks up at the pier and Haunted House ride.  He smiles as he thinks of how well the banshee hair worked to scare people. His cell phone buzzes with a text message. It’s from his artist partner and good friend at the agency David.

TEXT TO JOHN FROM DAVID

Bro. Your radio spot is going to go.  After a few focus groups.

TEXT TO DAVID

Focus groups on Bloody Hell Chips…you’ll fart fire? Blahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

TEXT TO JOHN

Don’t laugh. This is big. If this client likes you…it’s power.

TEXT TO DAVID

I feel so thankful  to Bernie. I’m going to hear something I wrote on the radio!

TEXT TO DAVID

Thankful? This is a business remember bro. He’s making money off of you. And  reminder…don’t tell anyone your ideas until it’s on the air. Remember it’s confidential. And your ideas belong to the agency…not you.

TEXT TO DAVID

Oh, who would want my ideas?

Bloody Hell Chips radio spot

TEXT FROM OFFICER MIKE TO JOHN

Did you mean to send this to Father  Thomas? I forwarded it to him  for you. My 2 cents…we still look at women in church. Don’t worry so much.

TEXT TO OFFICER MIKE

Yes Father, I thought your sermon about Jesus being a dude who always has your back was good.  I must confess a crazy thought. When you told me not to sit behind Linda cause I’m looking at her butt and not thinking about the Mass. I thought you can’t spell Mass without…the last three letters. Sorries. Why weren’t my friends at Mass. One is Muslim, the one in New York is Jewish and Patty isn’t into any church…into being Swedish American. 8-0.

John thinks OMG, I sent that  text to Officer Mike. He knows all my business.

EMAIL FROM KEITH, CREATIVE DIRECTOR

Need a 60 sec  radio spot for Bloody Hell Chips. Aimed at 12-15 year old guys.   You can write it at home and send it to me. Time it for 50 sec or so. Have fun. This is big Johnny. But don’t worry you have a great man on your team. I graduated from Harvard and went on to get my creative feet wet in the film Masters program at UCLA.

12-15 year old boys are into… John types girls…jumping on each other…wrestling….grossing each other out…annoying adults…Bloody Hell Chips...very hot chips/crisps

TEXT FROM ADJIN

Hey, are we still on for going to the Pine Barrens and trying to scare hikers …throwing stones… knocking wood on trees…like we’re the Jersey Devil…communicating.

TEXT TO ADJIN

Yeah, but not to Canadian tourists…I like that they’re into green vacations and you know… the ecology in their environment so we can have all these birds migrating down here…who also fly up there.

John types:

Radio: 60 Sec

Client: Bloody Hell Chips

‘Farting Fire’

SFX: crickets sound

Guy1

‘Jersey Pine Barrens are creepy.’

Guy2

‘Makes me almost believe in the Jersey Devil’

SFX: Howl sound

Guy1

‘Look.  Here it comes. Quick. Eat some Bloody Hell Chips.’

Guy2

‘Wow Bloody Hell Chips are smoking hot’

Guy1

‘Here it comes. Turn around. Bend over.’

SFX: Torch blower sound

Guy1

‘Smoked Him’

NARRATOR (British?)

‘Bloody Hell Chips, you’ll fart fire.’

TEXT TO CREATIVE DIRECTOR KEITH

Here is the radio spot.  Bloody Hell Chips…you’ll  fart fire.’

Later-

TEXT FROM CREATIVE DIRECTOR KEITH TO JOHN

Did I mention I went to Harvard?  Anyway.  The Account team thinks it’s right and if it’s wrong…the client likes you so he won’t get angry. We sent it. I’ll let you know.  Farting fire….really dude?

TEXT FROM FATHER THOMAS TO JOHN

Ass in Mass. Really dude?  I expect you to train your mind and what’s it’s associating.

TEXT FROM PATTY TO JOHN

Really dude? You and Adjin are going to hide in the Pine Barrens and scare the hikers – like you are the Jersey Devil thumping on trees and throwing rocks?

John thinks. Three people just said ‘really dude?’ to me. What you do comes back to you in threes. Wicca.  I’m on freak’n Charmed.

Randomness

John is sitting in a wicker chair on a glassed in porch. His Aunt is cleaning the windows.

TEXT TO ADJIN  FROM JOHN

Bad idea bro

TEXT TO JOHN FROM ADJIN

Thought you’d have my back

TEXT TO ADJIN FROM JOHN

You want me to have your front. You want to take your dad’s Viagra, then go to the club. AND have me stand in front of you if something goes wrong. That’s the last place I wanna be standing with you on Viagra.

TEXT TO JOHN FROM ADJIN

Trying to reach out to girls

TEXT TO ADJIN FROM JOHN

Reach out blahaaaaaaaaaaa

Aunt Margaret

‘Texting, texting, texting. What do you kids have to talk about so much.’

John

‘Ooo, here’s one from Father Thomas’

TEXT TO JOHN FROM FATHER THOMAS

‘Jesus…a dude who always has your back.’  For this Sunday’s Mass. Pretty cool whut?

John thinks…I just texted has your back…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TEXT TO FATHER THOMAS FROM JOHN

Sounds good, Father you didn’t get a text from me by mistake...did u?

TEXT TO JOHN FROM FATHER THOMAS

No. See you @11. Don’t sit behind Linda. She already knows how to kneel….she doesn’t need you watching her.

John thinks to himself....watching girl's butt...Mass.  The word Mass has ass in it. Do I have to confess that  thought?

TEXT TO JOHN FROM ADJIN

2^nd idea. You know how a girl is getting into you. But you’ve been drinking beers. So you get up and go to the bathroom and when you come back  to the bar…some other guy is talking to her?

TEXT FROM JOHN  TO ADJIN

Yeah but I figure she really wasn’t into me then.

TEXT FROM ADJIN TO JOHN

One word. Depends. That adult diaper

John thinks. He’s gonna talk sh…to a girl and pee at the same time?

TEXT TO ADJIN FROM JOHN

If we are walking to the club….and I hear paper crumbling noises coming from your jeans….I'll know you are wearing diapers...

TEXT FROM KEITH, CREATIVE DIRECTOR TO JOHN

For corporate. You have to do a written self evaluation

TEXT TO KEITH, CREATIVE FROM JOHN

Self evaluation? Then I’m gonna say I’m great.

TEXT TO JOHN FROM KEITH, CREATIVE DIRECTOR

‘No you will not say you are great.' There are specific metrics and goals to meet each month. I’ll explain Monday.

Aunt Margaret wiping the last window

‘I think this technology you kids are into is great.’

John

‘Phones?’

Aunt Margaret

‘In my time we had to wait ‘til after Mass to talk to Father…anytime you want…you can just text him. How cool is that?’

John

‘So cool’

Aunt Margaret goes off the porch…and returns with a dragon fly mobile and hangs it on a hook.

‘I'm into technology too. These dragon flies are solar powered to glow in the dark’

John thinks…I’m speechless.

Like giving wine to a monkey

Vanchra ne dau  Like giving wine to a monkey

John’s drink in Club Karma glows blue- like a cool bay-begging to be dived into

Patty turns away from the guy she’s insulting to say something to John

‘If you are  staring at a drink…you aren’t looking at girls. Annnd if you look like you are just into booze…that’s not a good look.’

Patty turns back to the guy who is trying to hit on her.

‘..so you were telling me how great you are…’

Guy

‘I am great. Great job. Just being honest.’

Patty

‘Wait. Aren’t you the guy who drives up and down the Boulevard in a Hummer with flames on the front of it?’

Guy leans down to get more intimate with Patty

‘Big man needs a big car.’

Patty

‘What does that get to the gallon?’

Guy

‘Who cares? I can afford it.’

Patty

‘I care. About the Earth. And I think oil has a lot to do with wars..’

Guy

‘I don’t care about the world…I care about you.’

John

‘Great line…’

Patty leans back against John's chest

‘What? Don’t break the mood.’

John

‘The mood is you insulting him.’

Patty

‘He loves it and so do I.’

John smiles, makes his eyebrows go up, turns his back to them and realizes his old friend is standing next to him.

‘Patel’

Girl Patel

‘Pender’

Girl Patel hugs him

‘How u b?’

John

‘Same’

Girl Patel

‘Patty said you are at a New York City Ad Agency…writing. Like Father like son?’

John

‘I’m writing…they have a youth program internship kinda thing. So far my stuff is going through…Bloody chips…that's mine.’

Girl Patel

‘For real?’’

John

‘Yeah. So what about you? Met anyone.’

Girl Patel

‘Just met an Italian guy  from around here who asked where I was from. Like I'm from India.  I said ‘ Seaside Heights’. He said ‘no really’. I said where are you from…Rome?’

John

‘This place is mad-stupid.’

Girl Patel

‘My dad had a saying: Like giving wine to a monkey.’

John laughing

‘I love it.’

Girl Patel

‘Guys are already crazy for girls. Like a monkey is already running around…you don’t need to give him wine.’

John points at skinny Adjin dancing crazy with the biggest woman in the club.

‘Like that mad crazy guy. He’s going to need a ladder to kiss her.’

Girl Patel

‘He’s going  to need a lifeboat. She’s Titanic. And she’s going down.’

With that the big girl dancing with Adjin falls-dragging Adjin down. His sagger pants are approaching his knees showing his bright white underwear. John swallows his drink. He and Girl Patel run through the crowd to pick Adjin and the big girl up.

John whispers to Girl Patel as he lifts Adjin

‘My heart will go on and on…’

Girl Patel whispers in John’s ear.

‘Her  ass will go on and on.’

The big girl is drunk and sliding on the wet floor as Girl Patel  trys to lift her, Girl Patel slides down  onto the floor with her. John is laughing so hard he almost joins them.

John to Adjin

‘Pull your pants up.’

Adjin

‘I love her.’

John

‘You love every girl. Pull your pants up anyway dude.’

John to Girl Patel

‘Are we having fun yet?’

Girl Patel

‘Like giving wine to a monkey.’

The Easter Bunny is a Shape Shifter

As John drifts off to sleep, he thinks the full, white moon looks like an Easter Egg, waiting to be dipped into the dark blue Atlantic. 

In his dream, John is floating through the Ocean County Mall with his friend Patty at his side. Easter fashions are displayed in windows.  She stops and points. There’s a Godiva chocolate shop with a Buy 2 4 $40.00 sign over two huge, chocolate Easter Bunnies.

Patty

‘That’s Satanic.’

John

‘Umm…Patty, you don’t believe in Hell. So you don’t get to believe in Satan. I mean, the all-powerful, fallen-angel dude has to have a crib to have street cred.’

Patty looks at John

‘What the heck are you saying?’

John

‘No hell. No Satan.’

Patty

‘Well, there is a religious-posing Devil. And it’s called God-iva chocolates.’

John

‘Not following…not even close to following.’

Patty

‘Look at that sign. Two chocolate bunnies. Really, Godiva?’

John

‘Well, you could keep one for yourself and give one away.’

Patty

‘Oh, like that’s gonna happen. My butt will be as big as Norway. And I’m from Sweden…well my Mom was.’

As they float- walk further.  John looks down on the Mall’s Lower Level. The Easter Bunny is on his throne.  A child sits on his lap, and because John is looking down…it looks like the Easter Bunny is bending his head down over the child’s head.

John

‘We eat chocolate Easter Bunnies. The Easter Bunny is going to eat that kids head.’

Patty

‘What?’

They float-walk further and John’s perspective changes. Still looking down, he sees the Easter Bunny is bending his head down so the child can whisper in the Easter Bunny’s ear.

John

‘What?’

The dream changes. Now John is in club Karma in Seaside Heights, NJ.

Patty gets up angrily from the bar stool next to John. John is talking to a beautiful girl.

B girl

‘So you surf. And what do you do for a living?’

John thinks, I’m in a youth program for young writers at a New York City Ad Agency. But John says:

‘I’m a copywriter in Midtown Manhattan.’

B girl

‘Wow, I’m so impressed.’

John runs his fingers to push his blond hair back. As he does, he notices he is growing Easter Bunny ears. He quickly, pushes the rabbit ears under a wool  hat. Easter Bunny playa-that’s right.

B girl

‘I’d love to sleep with you.’

John

‘You tired?’

B girl pulls white rabbit fur from out of her ear.

A Booming Voice

‘What a couple of dumb bunnies.’

From a wall in the bar, a painting of an angry Jesus floats towards John.

John wakes up. The moon is shining through his window.  He bolts up in bed.

‘Jesus! The Easter Bunny is the anti-Christ?  Or was it the lying- about- being- a- real –writer-to-impress-a-girl- thing that ticked you off Jesus. ’ He lies back in bed. John thinks: confession time? No, the priest told me not to come to confession UNTIL I do something…no, UNLESS I do something wrong. He falls back to sleep. On a shelf near his bed, the stuffed, blue Easter Bunny his Aunt gave him smiles.