That's not a man sexting you Auntie...it's your thumb.

John was more concerned with crossing Ocean Avenue than looking ahead at his Aunt's House in Seaside Park. So he didn't see the police car...lights flashing...parked on the sidestreet near the kitchen entrance. He dropped his surfboard on the front sanddune near the front porch steps and ran around the corner. As he rounded the corner, he was relieved to see his Aunt talking to Officer Mike near the kitchen garden.

John

'Are you alright. Did you try to cook again Auntie.'

Aunt Margaret

'Oh no dear...I was having a lovely conversation with a young man in the backyard.'

Officer Mike

'...who had knocked off the 7-11 in Lakewood...allegedly.'

Aunt Margaret

'...no wonder he was in such a rush...'

John

'I'm gonna just keep listening...'

Aunt Margaret

'well, I was sitting near the garden...and this lovely man jumped over the back fence. He was in such a rush...
I said 'you really need to stop and smell the roses'...I mean they are right here. You need to do that too Officer Mike.'

Officer Mike

'I'll put that on my bucket list.'

Aunt Margaret does a double take at Mike...but then keeps on talking.

'and you know that young man did. He smelled the roses. We talked about the kind you have to grow in the salty air of the Jersey Shore...and you know the street was so busy today....people and police cars driving by...The man had trouble relaxing...kept looking around...'

Officer Mike

'And we were looking too... for the freaking perpetrator...'

John

'allegedly...'

Aunt Margaret

'Officer Mike you are too tense...then the young man... he had to run off. You young people are always...running off...texting...or worst...'


Mike Officer

'...and she didn't  see which way he went...'

Aunt Margaret

'I most certainly did...he jumped back over that fence...he had been in the house. He was so thirsty.'

Officer Mike

'Well my work here is done.'

Aunt Margaret

'And you do such important work People say this is a nice place to live. It takes a lot of people to make it a nice place....lifeguards, nurses and you Officer Mike.'

Officer Mike glows.

Aunt Margaret hands her cell phone to John

'...it was such a strange day. And upsetting too. A man sent me a picture of... his manhood on my phone.'

John scrolls on Aunt Margaret's phone. Sunset on Barnegat Bay. Roses. Me surfing and...
Officer Mike, ins;pired to totally protect and serve

'Well, that's illegal'

John shows picture to Aunt Margaret

'...oh Auntie...see the house and garden in the background? That's our house and that's not a dic....a...that's your thumb.'

Officer Mike

'Thumb pictures are legal.'

The Unofficial MTV, Jersey Shore Tour.

　
Text to John's phone from David

Sooo...ur surfing?

Text to David's phone from John

Almost, I'm on a bench on the boardwalk...waxing my board.

Text to John's phone

When Bernie told u 2 go surf...he meant surf the net 4 more ideas.

Text to David's phone

OMG am I fired?

Text to John's phone

No. He liked your ideas. He's charging the client for your...surf-day holiday

John looks up and can't believe his eyes. Adjin, with a raised tour guide flag, is leading a small group of tourists to the Beachcomber Bar.

Adjin

'And here is the bar where Snookie got punched in the face.'

The group turns and takes pictures of the bar with historically correct polynesian-Italian, New Jersey decor. Adjin then spins around and faces John.

Adjin

'Follow me this way to the beach where Snookie got arrested for annoying people. And look...'

Adjin points at John

'Here is the surfer seen on the opening credits.'

The crowd looks at John. They raise their cameras to take a picture. But then put them down when John says:

John

'Oh what....is there a surfer falling off his board like someone who doesn't surf. That wasn't me.'

The crowd looks at Adjin.

Adjin to the crowd

'No... picture this iconic surfer shot. The sunrise behind him. The surfer makes an expertly sharp turn to ride the wave's crest. Water droplets splash up and catch the colors of dawn as the surfer rides down the moving mountain...that is the perfect wave. Jersey Shore, MTV comes across the tv screen.'

The crowd turns back to look at John

John

'oh...that could have been me.'

The crowd raises their cameras and takes pictures of John. Then they lean on the fence at the edge of the boardwalk and take a picture of the empty beach where Snookie was arrested.

Adjin

'Good news people. Orange shorts with 'I heart Snookie' on the crotch are now on sale-3 for $15.'

John

'3...great deal...cause people didn't want to buy just 1.'

Text to John's phone from David

What's going on?

Text from John's phone to David

u NYers have Broadway & art museums....we have the Jersey Shore tour...punching and hurling spots

Text from David

touring to a Jersey Shore Hurl of Fame

Text to David

that would b Club Karma

Adjin

'And now we leave the boardwalk to T-H-E Club Karma...where fists are pumped and lovers dumped.'

Adjin smiles with a big, phony wink at John like he's proud of himself.

John's celebrity status grows by a little bit. He feels cool waxing his board....coolness doesn't last.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

The founding fathers could have used a brother.

　
John is looking out the window at the traffic moving south on Lexington Avenue. South towards the tip of Manhattan...New York Harbor, Liberty Island, Sandy Hook, Pt. Pleasant...Seaside Heights and Barnegat Bay. Towards home... where the only pressures are: is the surf up or can you get up early to catch crabs today...or watch seagulls...falling in line... with their beaks to the wind.

Email from Bernie to John

Why aren't you at the Timber Underwear meeting with us dear. We miss you. It's
Blythe...not Bernie.

Before John can answer the email... a second one appears.

Email from Bernie to John

Get in here now. Bernie.

Email from John to Bernie

K.

Email from Bernie to John

I see emailing I want running to meetings

John grabs his I Pad and paper and jogs down the hall. He runs into a meeting room with a large modern-looking table and views of the Chrysler Building. But his mind wonders to the way sea gulls stand on the beach...their beaks to the ocean breeze. That's how gulls stand unless...they think you have food. Then one sea gull will squawk, bascially, saying 'the food is mine'. This claim attracts other gulls who ignore the claim and go after anything they can get.

Blythe

'Welcome. welcome. welcome. We're brain-storming.'

John's Creative Director Keith gives him a dirty look. Bernie looks like he just said something nasty.

John remembers Keith hired him and obnoxtious Bernie keeps him employed and allows him to be a writer.

Bernie puts his hands out in a gesture to feel rain.

'There's no storming...I feel no rain. Is it raining brains Blythe.'

Blythe in her sing-song voice

'Actually John we are in the blue sky faze where we are throwing out ideas.'

Bernie

'Yeah, you can throw out everything....I've heard.'

John notices Keith looks angry...at him, not Bernie.

John thinks of some ideas he's had. But he says:

'Well Keith and I were kicking around some ideas. Keith should I tell them a few?'

Keith

'Yes. I thought some were good at the time...'

John

'Well, since the client agreed that we should use wedgies to show the quality and ruggedness of Timber Underwear. And they liked the 'Up Yours' tag line we came up with...like up your quality...'

Bernie to John

'You wrote that. Calm the f.. down. You look like you are about to be shot.'

Bernie's 20-something- year- old son.

'And Timber Underwear is big in Japan.'

John

'But the Japanese are small...why do they need big underwear...oh never mind. Big....successful.'

Bernie

'This business is killing me.'

John

'I wanted to show a re-enactment of the famous painting of the signing of the Declaration of Independence-with all of the Founding Fathers. I want a Black guy who has come from behind and is giving one of the Founding Fathers a wedgie. The headline would be...

The Founding Fathers Could Have Used A Brother.'

Keith

'Oh, I don't...'

Bernie

'Love it. We should have started out with no slavery...we all know our history. Funny.'

Bernie to his son seated next to him.

'Do you know your history?'

Bernie's son

'I went to the University of Miami dad.'

Keith, pointing his finger in the air

'Now that I hear it again...that was one of the ideas we were going to push.'

Bernie's son

'Then why didn't you.'

Bernie gives his son a dirty look to 'shut up.'

From the pressure, John goes into a daydream. He pictures everyone at the table as having sea gull heads, one is squawking...beaks are all pointed at him. During John's daydream, Keith has been pontificating on how the campaign would play out. Someone says:

'we could show Hitler getting a wedgie.'

John comes out of his sea gull heads daydream and says:

'No. Hitler wasn't funny. I don't want to make him funny. People say...like a Hitler. There is no like a Hitler.'

Bernie to his son

'Why don't you talk like that.'

Bernie's son joking

'I went to the University of Miami dad.'

David

'That kind of thinking... that's why I made John an honorary Heeb.'

Bernie to David

'Dressed all in black again David. Who died?'

Bernie to his son

'You went to college for what again?'

Bernie's son

'Art.'

Bernie to his son.

'Oh that's right, our artists in the Miami office got you through that choice.'

Bernie to John

'Next.'

John

'Saddam, Fidel Castro....my friend's grand mother had to flee Cuba because she was an elementary school teacher. Any leader who oppressed people or is a fake....we could write headlines for...right Keith?'

Bernie

'I don't care about elementary school teachers running away from Castro.'

Bernie to Keith

'But this is good.'

Bernie whispers to his son

'Have you done what I asked and tried to find out how he thinks of things...the process at least.'

Bernie's son

'He read too much. He surfs. Hits all the world's newspapers everyday. Scans them I'm guessing. John's here first every morning.'

Bernie to his son

'Very early? Good. Then he can start working with London too.'

Bernie to John

'K... as you say in your email. Go surf.'

John's face broadens to an actual smile.

'Really? Thanks.'

He grabs his stuff, runs down to his office, turns everything off and leaves.'

John to Receptionist

'Byeeeee...Bernie told me to go surf. Don't have to tell me twice.'

John hits the elevador and leaves the building.

Bernie

'Oh wait, I want to ask the kid something.'

Bernie, still at the meeting, emails John and gets no answer. Blythe phones him...gets voice mail.

Bernie phones the receptionist

'Call that kid. Tell him to call me back right now.'

Receptionist

'Surely. What kid?'

Bernie

'The kid, the kid, the kid...the writer surfer boy person John.'

Receptionist

'But Bernie...you told him to go surf. So he left.'

Bernie

'The web the web the web. I meant surf the web. This business is killing me.'

All the sea gull heads at the meeting table turn to look at Bernie.

Then a calm comes over Bernie. Is there more food to feed on?

Bernie

'Blythe. Bill the client for John's day.'

The sea gull heads at the meeting table turn away from Bernie. There is no more food. They turn their heads towards the ocean and the wind. John turns the corner at Penn Station leading to the North Jersey Coast train.
　
　
　
　
　
　
　

Ode to Angelina Jolie de Seaside Heights

　

　
　
Patty, John and Adjin sit sipping milk shakes, on a bench on the boardwalk, across from the Beachcomber Bar. With palm trees, a sunglass wearing shark, bamboo wood and tikii totems, apparently, the bar celebrates New Jersey's founding by the lost tribe of drunk, perfectly tanned, polynesian-Italians. Their tradition of drinking, fighting and hurling is maintained to this day. It's the bar where Snookie, of MTV Jersey Shore fame, got punched in the face. Surpringly, that incident isn't on a sign pointing to the bar.

A beautiful woman walks by.

Patty

'Eck. I can't stand her."

John says all in one breath.

'Angelina Jolie de Seaside Heights. You've met her?'

Patty

'No, I don't wanna talk to her.

Angelina strolls by, John thinks, she walks in a way that women's legs are supposed to move...or not.


Patty

'I just wanna trip her. Or laugh when she trips herself. I mean, who has time to walk that way? That woman needs to man up. Look. One foot daintily in front of the other.'

Adjin

'Yeah, one foot..there goes the other foot. One foot, there goes the other foot.'

Patty punches Adjin in the upper arm....near the shoulder. As an almost nurse...she knows the punch is well-placed.

John

'She's creative. Look how she has used a bit of fishing net as a belt, gently pulled, draping down across her left hip.'

Adjin

'That's a crappy fishing net. Look John, the fish would slip right through those holes.'

Patty

'She's not fishing for fish boys.'

John

'I love her. I did a painting of her. Look, her toe nails match her bathing suit.'

Patty

'Not if I stamp on them.

Patty wiggles her girl-workboots.

Adjin

'Oh my God...she's going to sit in the Beachcomber Bar.'

The bar is open, wall-less, to the boardwalk. Some bar stools face the boardwalk so facing the bar, a woman...you know, or man,  would sit with their butt to the boardwalk. I mean...just saying.

Patty

'Hope she takes the stick out of her butt before she sits.'

John

'She just has good posture.'

Adjin

'P-o-s-t-u-r-e.'

Patty

'You know. I'm so glad I'm dating an EMS guy. A guy with depth.'
'Speaking of which...'

Ron walks up and kisses Patty. He sits down next to her. She offers him a sip of her milk shake.'

An old man walks by, pushing his dog in a baby carriage. Adjin and John look at the dog in the baby carriage. They are surprised when they say to each other at the same time:

'Randomness.'

They fist bump.

Ron

'What are we looking at?'

Patty points towards Angelina who is making the slowest walk, across the boardwalk ever made. Her hips and fishing net sway as she breezes towards the open- to- the- boardwalk bar...her back to the...audience.

Patty

'That phony, unrealistic- dream- of- a- virgin-gamer boy-- female-avitar dream freak.'

Ron's eyes start at the top of Angelina's straw hat and move down to her fishing net belt.

'Is that a fishing net?'

Adjin speaks and kinda goes into a daydream.

'Nope. The holes are too big.The fish would wiggle through those holes...and be free. So v-e-r-y free.'

Defense- Adjin looks quickly at Patty. And just as quickly, blocks her. He puts his hand over his arm where she punched him before.

Ron goes to give the milkshake back to

Patty

Patty blows him off.

'No you finish it. I feel fat today.'

Without warning....and..., and..., and... like a super model, Angelina Joile de Seaside Heights, stops, turns, lowers her sunglasses, looks directly at Patty, John, Adjin and Ron on the bench...........and smiles. She puts her sunglasses back on, smoothly turns and walks- toe carefully in front of toe- past the male tikii and into the bar. John notices the male tiki has strategically placed hands. Of course the hands were placed over his ahem...manhood... before Angelina walked by.

John

'You know Adjin...she smells like Coppertone...I think Coppertone with sports sunblock.'

Patty

'So I was right...she stinks.'
　
　
　
　
　

Greetings from the Jersey Shore. Get the hell off the beach.

Text from John's phone

everything alright?

Text from Ron's phone

Old Lady Spiro is ok 4 now

Text from John's phone

wuz talk'n bout u

Text from Ron's phone

she pointed out I wuz spanish

Text from John's phone

she didn't turn out 2b a nasty person w/a heart of gold?

Text from Ron's phone

No heart. No gold. Disneyboy.

Text from John's phone

speaking of...would Mickey say hey boys & girls...get the hell off the beach

Text from Ron's phone

Gov Christy said that 2 save lives

Text from John's phone

he could stand on the tip of Cape May & act as a wind break

Text from Ron's phone.

pulling up

John opens the front door and even with the covered porch, the wind and rain blows in with Ron. Adjin and Patty are back at the dining room table.

John walks Ron in.

'Patty you remember Ron from school.'

Ron

'Hi...'

Ron to Adjin

'Good to see you recovered from your Mission Impossible...chasing the movie screen down the beach.'

Adjin points at Ron

'Your tax dollars at work.'

Ron

'Speaking of...there's reports of a woman screaming by the pier...'

Adjin

'My banshee. Musta shorted out. Wailing for no reason.'

Patty looks at John and Adjin...and then Ron.

'I can relate.'

Ron looks at the crystal ball and ouji board on the table.

Patty

'We're trying to see the future.'

Ron

'If you believe in that stuff...I'd say you have no future.'

Patty

'Oh...lossen up.'

Ron takes his jacket and wet shirt off.

Adjin

'Dammit. Knew I forgot something.'

John

'What?'

Adjin

'My muscles.'

Patty

'Nah. Women who want a guy they can boss around want you just the way you are.'

Adjin

'Thanks?'

Patty

'You are most welcome.'

Ron looks at Patty and Adjin. And then speaks to John.

'Isn't this where we all left off in 5th Grade.'

John

'Never stops.'

Patty

'You were with us in 5th Grade.'

Ron

'Shot peas at you. So says Old Lady Spiro.'

Patty

'You have to be more specific. All the boys shot peas at me. Don't know why.'

Adjin

'Umm...cause you shot pees at us first.'

Patty

'Did not.'

Adjin

'Did.'

Patty

'I was the perfect little lady.'

Adjin

'You would drink Coke and belch with us. That's why we let you hang with us. Still is.'

Ron

'Are you two going out?   Planning to go out.'

Patty

'Oh hell no.'

Ron

'Then go out with me.'

Patty

'Out into the hurricane? John just had us look at hurricane rain through a telescope. You know what all that rain looked like?'

Ron considers something artistic
-
Patty

'Rain. I feel safer already in your arms quick-thinking, rescue worker.'

Ron to Patty.

'Oh really?'

Ron lifts Patty out of her chair and puts her over his shoulder. Patty is laughing hysterically.

Adjin

'Now you'd think watching Tom Cruise movies would give us muscles like that.'

John

'YOU'D think.'

Text to Ron's phone

Lights out in the evacuation center.

Ron

'Great. I evacuated people off the island - where there was power to Tom's River-where there's no power.'

Adjin

'Your tax dollars at work.'