Ideas for Jessica's stand up routine

The lights flicker on at Lucky Leo’s on the boardwalk in Seaside Heights NJ. Patty is staring at the construction worker, working on the sign. John looks to see what she is looking at. Just then, the construction worker turns and gives Patty a ‘hey there looks’ and then sees John and gives him a look like ‘what are you looking at?’

John turns to look at the boardwalk

Dammmit Patty. I know Madam Lillian said you were going to meet a tall, dark stranger….but she didn’t say I was going to get beat up over it.

Patty laughing

Too much to ask?

John and Patty walk on

So I’m thinking for Jessica Stein’s stand up routine. I definitely want to make fun of the NSA. People worried about all the Spanish people coming into this country. People who don’t like Gays and Jews.

Patty

Oh yeah, those topics are a riot?

John

I'm making fun of people who are too conservative   too liberal too.

Patty

Anyway, I see another construction worker to check out. Thank you Hurricane Sandy. They’re stronger than the storm. …

John

God. So I was thinking about making Jessica come on in a hoodie. And looking like she’s sneaking across a border. And then she can talk about sneaking across the border of Gay Greenwich Village and straight-acting Mid Town Manhattan.

Patty

How are you going to write for a Lesbian?

John

I wrote an ad for Tampons.

Patty

Well you PMS more than any woman I know.

John

Thanks a lot.

Patty

You are most welcome.

Patty looks at a construction worker and John automatically looks to look at what she’s looking at.

This time, the worker checks John out.

Patty bursts into loud laughter. She trips on the boardwalk and John quickly grabs her arm.

John

I had a random thought for Jessica. She could talk about how  even though she’s a Lesbian…I still checks out guys. Like the other day I saw this good looking guy climbing out of a manhole. Muscled arms, tight white t-shirt, jeans, work boots. And I thought….I could pull together that look for Saturday Night at No Man’s Land.

Patty

I think that’s funny.

Just then, because John was looking at Patty instead of where he was going, he walks into a large metal garbage can. It makes a loud thud. Teenaged girls on a nearby bench applaud.

John looks embarrassed.

Patty

…but not as funny as that.

Rise of the Undocumented Lesbian

John is seated on the steps of the building made famous by Gremlins.  Around the corner bounces Jessica Stein bursting with joyfulness.

John gets choked up almost in tears.  They hug.

Jessica Stein

What the heck’s the matter with you?

John

I’m sooo glad you are ok after the way Bernie treated you…

Jessica Stein gets choked up.

Oh, my God. You are such a good little friend.

John breaks the tension.

We’re having an Oprah moment.

Jessica Stein

And you’re the straight one here.   I’m great. I pulled some of Bernie’s accounts. He took me to court. I won. And we we’re a hit with my little stand up comedy thing.

John

He took you to court.

Jessica Stein

Well, before you were born…I signed a no compete contract. But the judge sided with me. He told Bernie we don’t believe in slavery in New York.

John

Wow. I’m so glad. And I have some ideas for your next stand up thing. I think you should call yourself ‘The Undocumented Lesbian’

Jessica Stein

Too funny. I love it.

John

I was thinking about how you wanted me to enjoy writing the routine too. So right now I want to make fun of the NSA cause they went too far in keeping us safe by listening to …

Jessica Stein

Our farts.

John

Blahaaaaaa You could tell me any thing you experienced as a Jewish Lesbian woman. But I thought we could do something about you running across the border of Greenwich Village and passing for a straight woman so you could get a job in Mid Town Manhattan way back then.

Jessica Stein

Way back then….anyone ever tell you you are charming?

John

No

Jessica Stein

They never will.

John

Blahaaaaaaaaaa. And being taken seriously even though you are shaped like Barbie…

Jessica Stein puts her hands on her ample hips.

Oh Ken.

John

I felt weird when you told the NYJew joke…

Jessica Stein

I’m Jewish. I can say that. We called it that. It’s a good thing. The dudes were getting good degrees and Jewish.  And I was realizing I didn’t want any man and might die alone…oh good times.

John

Blahaaaaaa OK. And the audience thought our routine was funny.

Jessica Stein

I’m invited back. Which means you’ve got to write. And I’ve got to take you to NOBU. There’s so many things you haven’t eaten.

John

Is that a Lesbian Bar?

Jessica Stein

No. It’s a restaurant. Get your mind out of the gutter. No wait. Put it back in the gutter. You have to write for me. Be fierce.

I wrote everything.,,,

Stacey, John, David, Girl Patel, Patty leave the comedy club in the Lower East Side of Manhattan.

David to John

She was really funny.

John

I'm so relieved.

David

the best part was her busting on you. And the randomness comments. What did you write?

John

All of it.

David

What do you mean? She joked about you getting coke cola served by the waiter...that was funny but she came up with that right?

John

No. We sat down and planned out the whole...thing. Like at work I did say to her, hey I discovered this great actress on Twitter. So she thought it was some new person to acting. And I said Mia Farrow. And she said OMG you make me feel old.  And whenever I'd come in from lunch I'd have my super sized coke from McDonald's. And she'd be eating some diet salad thing at her desk. So she'd say: that better be diet coke. And I'd say it wasn't. And she'd say: You're young, you drink regular coke, you're thin. I hate you. And then she's Gay sometimes...so I asked about the misconceptions about Lesbians....so I wrote this stuff about flannel shirts, and lady truck drivers and then I saw a show about serial killer straight men truck drivers. So I thought it would be funny to have the stereotyped Lesbian truck drivers protecting the female hitch hikers...and then you know she's Jewish so we added that in....and Joan Rivers made fun of Rose Mcgowan from Charmed...so it's on.

David

So that was made up with the waiter. She was repeating how she beat on you at work about drinking big cokes....

John

Yup. She forgot one joke. You know I'm into Chelsea Handler and her gang of comics. So I wanted to goof on myself. I wanted her to say: he's so Catholic, he bought Josh Wolf's too funny book, It takes Balls and put a piece of tape over the  'B'....so his cover of the book reads It takes alls. But she forgot it or something. Thank God  the audience laughed at everything else.

David

Tell me you didn't really put  tape over the 'B ' in It takes Balls.

John

Hey David...across the street. Is that a rat? A real New York City rat?

David

Nice try. You did put tape over the 'B' in balls. Dude, I am so glad you ended up in New York. It's like your therapy.

John

Or I'm your therapy. And how does that make you feel...

David

Not like putting f-ing tape over the 'b' in balls.