We must be vigilante?

We must be Vigilante?

John’s computer beeps that there is an email. He stops writing headlines and opens the one from David.

David

I can’t stop laughing.

John sends email to David

OK

David sends email to John

Didn’t you read Bernie’s email?

John sends email to David

I saw it was to his Account Executives…not us. Oh my God. The title is We must be Vigilante?

John clicks on Bernie’s email.

Account Executives

In these trying times of people being shot and blown up. We must be vigilante in our commitment to our all American values. We must not hate. We must always watch for suspicious packages that are sent to you or especially me as President. And most importantly: We must  tell our clients we must run ads….or they win. Even if we pause to mourn.  They win if we don’t run ads. Let’s be Bernie strong!

John

I’m speechless.

David

Oh no. As the writer y-o-u must tell Bernie he meant to say: we must be vigilant. Not vigilante.

John

No. Correcting Bernie would be the job of the Unemployed Writer. I’m the employed one.

Who hold's a Chelsea Lately Viewing Party?

Stacey and David come up to John’s desk in the ad agency smiling.

Stacey

Heyyyy girlfriend

John

Hey gender neutralizer

David

They liked our wrinkle cream campaign

John

Which one they going with?

Stacey

That great one with the woman putting make up on before images of France.

John

Eiffel Tower shot. Subtle David.

David

They liked it…case closed.

John

No I liked it. Safe though.

David to Stacey

I knew they wouldn’t go for the one with women pulling rip cords on the side of their face, and blowing up like a pool tube.

John

Too seasonal?

David kidding to John

Anyway, we gotta watch this guy's judgement. He had a Chelsea Lately viewing party?

Stacey

Sounds like fun. People have Oscar viewing parties. Were there a lot of people there?

John

No, just 5 friends.

David

And his Aunt.

John

No Aunt.

David

I would never date her...Chelsea Lately.

John

No one would.

Stacey

Why?

John

Cause there’s no such person named Chelsea Lately. Her name is Chelsea Handler dumb as..

David

I would never date her either. I will probably marry a Jewish woman. But I want a more submission Jewish girl.

John

Ah…and what tribe would she be from. The long lost rabbi geshia girl tribe. Think they found him living in Levittown. Bill O’Reilly something.

Stacey bouncy

So what do you serve at a Chelsea Lately tv viewing party? It's all about the glamorous eats.

John

I had a bowl of peas…with butter on them.

David

Told you his Aunt was there.

John

No, I just realized I’m just eating fast food stuff in New York. I thought I should eat something green. Dyed green but I guess there’s still something good in those microwaveable peas.  I want to be strong...to be able to surf again…if they get the roller coaster out of my ocean.

Stacey

I hate you.

John

Pea-envy?

Stacey

You put butter on peas and you’re still thin.

David

And he lives with his Aunt and holds Chelsea frigging Lately tv viewing parties.

John

I'm living the dream. And Chelsea does frig. But not you David. Cause y-o-u are unavailable.

The sun rose golden like a Motts-o-ball over Mott Street in Chinatown

In the break room at the agency, David gets soup from the microwave and gives a bowl  to John.

David

Here, this is authentic New York. Lower East Side to be exact.

John

Yeah, Mott Street in Chinatown. I know New York a little.

David

Please don’t tell me you think this is called Motts-o-ball soup?

David looks at John’s slightly embarrassed face.

David

Oh my God.

John

Oh your God. This is actually good. Almost better than Campbell’s microwavable chicken noodle soup.

David

Lower East Side was where a big wave of Jews settled.

John

By me they settle on the beach more. Not that many Jewish surfers. I saw in Gaza on Shalom TV, where this one surfer had to leave his beach cause Israel was giving the land back.

Bernie getting a coffee and running back out of the room.

Shalom TV…nice.  I’ll bet you don’t watch that channel David. Not cool enough for Greenwich Village.

Bernie leaves.

David to John

You always say the right words to make him smile.

John points to himself.

Words. Writer.

David rolls his eyes.

They both eat their soup. John stops and makes as sweeping gesture.

John

The sun rose golden like a Motts-o-ball over Mott Street in Chinatown…

David

Now we have a wave of stupid coming into New York from New Jersey.

John

You must teach me to become a Jedi Jew like you. Help me Obi wan Ka Kaufman. You’re my only hope.

David

Do or do not. There is no try.

John

You just quoted Yoda. Now if I can get you to quote Harry Potter, you will complete your journey to the dumb side.

David

New York is being dumb downed. But if it could get me laid, I would quote Harry Potter.

John

You don’t choose the wand, the wand chooses you.

David

Not bad. I’d use that in a singles bar.

John

Shalom

David

Spell that.

John

Shall o

David

Stop, stop, stop….