Actors are brave...writers are cowards

John on phone to Patty

‘Hey…it’s John’

Patty on phone to John

‘…when you call me…my phone says John. Just saying’

John

‘Moving on. You know how I’m on Twitter…mainly so someone will read my Tale of two Bernies story….that my dad actually started but anyway…’

Patty

‘So it’s a Tale of two Johnnies..’

John

‘I’m ignoring you. So I started following @thatrayklein…’

Pat

‘And you should have told me you were going to write about me…you obviously have a thing for me…’

John

‘…do not…’

Patty

‘So do…but alas…to me…you are like the brother I never had…or wanted. 8-p’

John

‘And thatrayklein is doing this character Rockka on @beckinfield …it’s an ongoing sci fi drama online.’

Patty

‘And you want me to act in it.’

John

‘No Where did that come from.’

Patty

‘You write about me and Adjin all the time.’

John

‘Didn’t know you were reading it.’

Patty

‘Couldn’t have changed my name?’

John

‘Fine. I’ll call you Bertha. And anyone from Seaside Heights will know it’s you cause we all hang out. If they know me.’

Patty

‘See…you’re like this annoying brother. And stop tweeting all over Chelsea Handler and Alyssa Milano And what’s with Tom Cruise…is he the ultimate daddy figure. Falling Skies…more dad figures?’

John

‘Finished General Psych One I see. Anyway. So I offered to write something for thatrayklein’s character. ‘

Patty

‘Cool. Or not at all. No I’m kidding. I like your junk. The radio spot ad you did was funny. They running it?’

John

‘MidWest…testing somewhere.  So I thought about how I wanted to do something funny and make fun of a few things I just think are wrong. So I wrote down anti-semitism and then the conspiracy theories about the US government doing the 9/11 attacks..’

Patty

‘Sounds hilarious. What about the stand up routine you wrote for that guy in Carolines in the City or something.’

John

 ‘He’s doing it in August or something.’

Patty

‘What’s that about?’

John

‘Studdering. ‘

Patty

‘Oh yeah. That’s a funny subject too. Good one John.’

John

‘I think Manny and thatrayklein are brave. I never realized how cowardly writing is…I’m miles away from an audience.’

Patty

‘Oh don’t worry. I’ll make sure people know you wrote stuff that  bombed.’

John

‘Nice to know you have my back….to stab like Psycho.’

Patty

‘Psycho sister. Well, keep me informed little brother.

John

‘Maybe I’ll put the script up once Ray and Manny have performed it. You know to show how I wrote it.’

Patty

‘Who the hell would care about that?’

John

‘Another writer.’

Patty

‘Oh writer. Now that you’ve gotten a few paychecks for writing ads you are a writer.’

John

‘Nope.’

Patty

‘When then?’

John

‘When I began to write. Well duh!’

Patty

‘Well duh? You are good with words.’

the nextwave home

John

You’d think I’d see him on one of those misty beach days. When the world has gone gray and a heavy sea mist rolls in…obscuring what is seen and unseen. But I actually have seen him on a ladder leaned against the house.…when there’s a chip of trim that needs sanding and painting. Or sitting and writing something in the wicker chair on our porch.  On the brightest beach day as a face in the crowd-walking towards me- on the boardwalk. Or watching me surf from the  happy, white sandy beach with a rainbow of beach umbrellas behind him.

I knew I’d see him on Father’s Day. So I went into the ocean beyond where the breaking waves turn into a lulling roll. Like some flickering, old camera, the waves make the beach appear and disappear as you lay on your surfboard, rise to their crest and sink to their troughs. Down my blue board goes into the trough-water spilling over my blue board and the blond hair on my arms. Up I go onto a crest and I see a beach full of families-missing one father.

Down I go into the trough-half asleep. Up I go and I see the beach-where is he? Down I go into the trough-lying in wait-salt drying on my upper arms. Up I go and there he is…at the end of the boardwalk. Down I go into the trough-he always watched me surf. Up I go and he’s resting his foot on the surfer’s bench-looking at me. Down I go and I want to catch a really good wave to show off. Up I go and he’s walking towards me…down the broad beach. …the only one in jeans and work boots in 90 degree weather. Down I go into the trough and the beach disappears again. Up I go onto the wave’s crest and the beach appears…but he is gone.

I want to catch the nextwave towards the shore…and home. But he will not be there.

I said Tapas Bar

John is sitting on the couch, talking to Adjin on the phone. A salty-fresh, sea breeze blows through the Irish lace curtains-blushed pink with the sunset.

John

‘You want me to go to a tapas bar?’

Just then Aunt Margaret stops, and looks shocked at what she’s heard. She goes into the kitchen to call Officer Mike.

John

‘So they’re hot little dishes…’

Officer Mike

‘Hi hon.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Can you do me a favor? Sooner than later….could you talk to John?’

Officer Mike

‘Why? Is he in trouble?’

Aunt Margaret

‘He and some friend are going to a topless bar.’

Officer Mike laughs

‘That’s kinda normal. But I don’t like the idea of him drinking and driving. And some of the people who go to those places are rough.  I’ll talk to him.’

Aunt Margaret

‘….and the topless women…you left that out.’

Aunt Margaret pokes her head into the Living Room where John is seated.

John

‘…sounds spicey. I like that…’

Aunt Margaret

‘Thanks. Stay safe.’

Officer Mike

“I will. I might pop over now. I’m on patrol anyway.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Thanks’

Aunt Margaret calls Father Thomas

‘Father are you busy? This is Margaret.’

Father Thomas                                                          

‘Yes. What’s on your mind?’

Aunt Margaret

‘Well it’s John. He and some friends are going to a Topless Bar. I don’t want him falling in with the wrong kind of people.’

Father Thomas

‘I’ll talk to him. Just because we can look at certain things, doesn’t mean we should. I’ll come over for a minutes. We have a good friendship…he’ll listen to me.’

Aunt Margaret

‘Thank you Father. He gets a little depressed around Father’s Day. But he has to learn not to listen to certain men and what they want to do.’

John on phone with Adjin

‘I’m just chillin…nothing going on. Oh wait. Officer Mike just pulled up in the cop car…no lights flashing. Bummer.

Officer Mike comes in front door. Smiles and sits across from John

John on phone.

‘Hold on.’

To Officer Mike

‘She’s in the kitchen.’

John turns his head… yells Cops theme song over couch towards kitchen and Aunt Margaret.

‘Bad, girl, bad girl…whatcha gonna do when he comes for you.’

Officer Mike

‘Actually, I’m here for you.’

John

‘Awkward.’

Officer Mike

‘You know when you first get out in the world. You want to see everything. The world. New York. Umm, naked women…’

John

‘But then as you get old… you don’t want to see naked women? When does that happen?’

Officer Mike

‘My point is…it’s ok to want to see naked women….’

Father Thomas enters the room just then.

Father Thomas

‘It’s not o.k to want to see naked women. Until you marry one. That’s what makes it special.’

John

‘Hi Father. My Aunt is in the kitchen. You raising money for something?’

Father Thomas

‘No. I’m here for you.’

John

‘k’

Officer Mike

‘But some places that have naked women. Well the people who hang out there aren’t that nice. And some of those dancing women on the poles…they don’t even like men. Lesbians. ‘

John to Adjin on the phone

‘Officer Mike is talking about naked Lesbian dancers on poles…no…it’s a bad thing…hold on. My Priest is here too. Naked women are for married guys. Really, Muslim guys hear that too? Hmm.’

John to Officer Mike

‘I have Lesbain friends in New York…they’re actually very warm to me…kinda homebodies.’

Officer Mike

‘Well, they are cold in the Topless Bars….they’ll just take your money or worst..’

Aunt Margaret enters the room.

‘That serial killer in Florida…they made the movie Monster about her…she killed men.’

John to Adjin on the phone.

‘We’ve got hot and cold running Lesbians here.’

‘Ok.’

John to Aunt Margaret

‘Adjin is coming over.’

Officer Mike

‘So if you go to a Topless Bar…’

John

“I’m not going to a….Aunt Margaret.   Adjin wants to go to a Tapas Bar in Toms River. It’s little dishes of Spanish food.’

Father Thomas laughs

‘So…well Johnny, at least you know there’s lot’s of guys who care about you. Plus you always have a Heavenly Father. We know how you get around Father’s Day.’

Officer Mike

‘I have to get back to patrol.’

John to Officer Mike as he leaves

‘Hey… the Jersey Shore is filming…just do a Snookie stake-out. Your are bound to prevent a crime.’

Father Thomas turns to leave.

Adjin enters the room. Looks around.

‘Where’s the Lesbians?’

The Irish lace curtains blow back and forth in the breeze.

Father Thomas looks at Adjin and John. Instead of leaving, he sits across from John.

Just keep writing

As John crosses Ocean Boulevard, a gentle sea breeze blows the sea oats on the sand dunes. He looks both ways, and begins to cross the quiet  street carrying his surfboard.  His cell phone rings.

Call from David

‘Hey What up?

John

‘Well, just coming from surfing. And…as I look ahead of me...well there’s smoke coming from my Aunt’s kitchen window. So either she’s cooking…or she’s moving on from dating Officer Mike and is trying to attract the Seaside Park Volunteer Fire Department.’

David

‘Ooo. Officer Mike. A new daddy for you.’

John

‘He thinks I lack direction. I say...I live at the beach…when I walk into the Atlantic…I’m facing East.’

David

‘So you are being a jerk to him.’

John

‘Not always. Sometimes I’m too tired to be a jerk. Speaking of jerks…how’s Bernie’

David

‘Actually…I’m calling to talk about the other Bernie.’

John

‘Really….I don’t even know him.’

David

‘You might. The Uber Creative Director is secretly meeting with him as we speak.’

John

‘That’s some secret meeting.’

David

‘Well, you can’t count me. I know everything.’

John

‘Well, what do I know…I’m just a writer.’

David

‘Not if Keith pulls the account you aren’t.’

John

‘So what do I do?’

David

‘Keep making Keith look like he’s a genius. Then he’ll pull you to the other Bernie’s or keep you here to work on the account. It’s a tale of two Bernies…we have nothing to say about our lives. Unless we want to be a Bernie.’

John

‘Pass. Too complicated. Annoying wife. …VP of Shopping. Annoying grown-ass sons. ..getting chocolate massages…vacationing on Bora Bora…and being hot and bored. ‘

David

‘Well, just keep doing what you do. Keith already tried another freelance writer on the account. ‘

John

‘Why? The client likes my junk.’

David

‘The idea was to show the client that Keith is the thing….we have lot’s of writers.’

John

‘Idea? Lie!’

David

‘It bombed. Don’t worry.’

John

‘Well if Keith isn’t loyal to me… maybe I’ll stay with Bernie and keep the account with him. He signs my pay check after-all.’

David

‘Bernie was also behind the we have lot’s of writers idea. He wants lot’s of strings on the account.’

John

‘So he’s not on my side.’

David

“you aren’t making enough with him to earn his trust. Keith does make enough…of course Bernie only trusts Bernie.’

John

‘So what about loyalty…honesty.’

David

‘In Advertising? How old are you?’

John

‘Well, the smoke has stopped pouring out of the kitchen window…and here pulls up Officer Mike to save the day.’

Officer Mike running towards the back door. To John:

“Do you think you should put the cell phone down and see if your house is burning down?’

Aunt Margaret comes onto back porch.

“It’s ok. Did you know olive oil can catch fire?’

John

‘Yes, I knew that. Saw it on the History Channel.’

Officer Mike looks at John

John

‘What?  The History Channel was on my way to turning to the Sci Fi Channel.’

John into cell phone

‘So David. I’m on the account yet right?’

David

‘More than ever. The other writer and Keith bombed. Now they want sure things for a while.’

John

‘What if Keith pulls the account.’

David

‘He’ll pull you with him. Remember, you’ve done a lot of the ideas.’

John

‘I’d feel guilty about pulling the account from our Bernie.’

David

‘Get over it. Bernie is loyal to Bernie…you aren’t quick on the pick up…are you?’

John

‘You know David…this is all too much…I’m just gonna keep writing.’

David

‘That’s what I’m saying. Talent is like a shield. It’ll protect you.’

John

“I’m writing. Not fighting.’

David

‘You’re doing both…and you are in the middle of two wealthy guys who hate each other.’