The silver spire of the Chrysler Building glimmers outside
the conference room window. It almost outshines the sun shining off Bernie’s
bald head.
Account Executives and assistants as well as artists and
writers sit around the mahogany table. John sits with his friends, David,
Stacey and Girl Patel nearby. John is slouched as if he can hide.
The Happy Office Consultant stands up next to Bernie.
The Happy Office Consultant
We all know what a pressure cooka Advertising is. So we are
here with techniques to make nice. You know a happy office makes for
Bernie
More f-ing money which is
why we are here.
The Happy Office Consultants continues Her thought
A happy office makes for happy days.
David
Happy Office. Not
people. Like the office furniture will be happy.
Bernie
David don’t f-ing start.
David
OK, OK. Joking makes for a happy workplace to me….
The Happy Office Consultant
Very good David. But we haven’t even all introduced. So we
are going to state our names and why we do what we do. And after the person
says his or her name, we will all say: hi so and so. It’s all about being
positive and supportive.
Sooo let’s start with our leader.
She gestures to Bernie.
Bernie
Hi, I’m Bernie,
The Happy Office Conaultant
Hi Bernie….see, like that.
Bernie
I’m in Advertising because I like
people, creatives, straight guys…
John and David look at each other
The Happy Office Consultant
gestures at Mel
Mel
Hi, I’m Bernie. I
Bernie
Are you stupid? Jesus S Christ.
Bernie looks at John
Sorry
John
I’ll tell Jesus
Bernie looks back at Mel.
No wonder we are losing accounts.
Bernie stands up, and thrusts his
crotch towards a window.
Bernie
Why do I try with you idiots? I’m
just pissing my money away. Pissing my money out this window.
He thrusts his crotch towards the
window.
Bernie
Why don’t these windows open?
David
So people don’t piss out of them.
Bernie shoots David a dirty look.
The Happy Office Consultant trys
to regain control.
Hi Mel!
Mel
I’m an Account Executive and I
love my clients.
Bernie
F-love. F-ing get more money out
of them.
The Happy Office Consultant
It’s all about respect and
positivity towards each other.
She gestures towards Girl Patel
Girl Patel
Hi, I’m Girl Patel. And I’m a
Lesbian.
Bernie slams his hand on the
table
No. No. No.
You’re a f-ing Assistant Account
Executive.
Girl Patel
I’m proud of being both.
The Happy Office Consultant
gestures to the entire table.
The entire table
Hi Girl Patel.
The Happy Office Consultant
gestures to David
David
Hi I’m David
John jumps the gun
Johnl
Hi David!
The entire table.
Hi David!
David turns to John.
Are you retarded?
John
Bad word. Alyssa Milano says that
word hurts people.
David
Your friend.
Bernie
Your friends with that little
girl on Who’s the Boss?
John
No. I follow her on Twitter. She
was on Charmed. Now she’s on Mistresses.
Stacey
That’s the same actress.
The Happy Office Consultant
And what do you do David.
Stacey
Besides call your friends
retarded.
Bernie
He dresses all in black. Like
he’s going to a funeral every day. Why don’t you dress like a Puerto Rica like
John…yellows and what the hell color is your shirt today?
John
Mango
Bernie
If a client asks, you call it
orange. You look like you’re going to guide a plane in. But it’s a happy color
David.
David
Yes. I’m David and I’m not the
talented artist who makes this place millions. I’m the guy who dresses in
black.
Bernie to David
Is my name on your check? Keep
arting and buy a bright shirt for Christ sake.
Bernie to John
John
Oh, Christ sake? I don’t know if
that’s good or bad.
Bernie
Well you are-what do you call it-
dating- having relations with Jesus.
John
I have a personal relationship
with Jesus.
David
God. It’s like diapers. We all go
through religion…then we loosen up and kose that sh-
The Happy Office Consultant
All about respect. G leads to A
leads to Y Good vibes leads to
All-around happiness leads to Y you,
happy.
Bernie
G- a- y. That’s Gay. This office
is not going Gay.
Girl Patel
Thank Gods
Bernie
God
Girl Patel
Says you.
The Happy Office Consultant
gestures to John
John looks shy
Hi I’m John.
The table says Hi John. David strokes John’s hand and says Hi John.
John pulls his hand away.
John
And I’m a writer. I think I
became a writer because I’m not good at talking to people.
Bernie slams his palm on the
table
No. No. No. You became a writer
because you were recognized at an early age that you had a talent for it. For
Chri…holy Moses. What if there was a client here people. You are not getting
this .
Happy Office Consultant
It’s all about respecting each
other’s feelings. G leads to A leads to Y.
Bernie gives the Happy Office
Consultant a dirty look
Or not at all.
i
