Patel's Cash & Carry Used Joke Shop

John is watching Chelsea Handler to the sound of the ocean through his open bedroom window. There’s a rhythm to the ocean and to comedy.  He can close his eyes and hear Chelsea going back and forth with Josh Wolf…who always keeps the beat. When comics on the round table miss the beat… Chelsea hits the beat by making fun of how they aren’t funny. So many funny lines but once they’re used…they’re gone.

John falls asleep…

Mr Patel smiles broadly in front of his shop. Squinting,  John asks?

Mr Patel?

Mr Patel

Welcome to Patel’s Cash and Carry Used Joke Shop

You want to meet women. You aren’t funny. What to do? Come to Mr Patel’s, gently used joke shop.

Mr Patel points to various bins of jokes.

Mr Patel

Here, we have Mike Kosta

Mike Kosta, we’re going to have sex later. Is it possible for a heterosexual man  to apply Chap Stick without appearing Gay?

Jeffrey Ross

Jeffrey Ross,  What’s  up giant ears guy? You get cable with those?

John

Those jokes work cause they are on stage.

Mr Patel points at a bin with baseball caps on it.

Here is your Josh Wolf talking about the comfort of knowing his teenaged daughter is having a party downstairs…then he hits you with something like ‘because those teen girls are hot’.

See the surprise? See you getting women by using his joke? Tooooo funny. Tooo funny. On sale for $4…..99.

John

$4….99? Because paying $5 for a routine that is on You Tube would be ridiculous. I can’t walk up to a girl and do a Josh Wolf comedy  routine. The surprise is that Josh Wolf’s character could be the concerned  father of a teenager but he slips and we see he’s a perv. I’m not old enough to be the father of a teenager.

Mr. Patel

But you are old enough to be a perv!

John looks at a sea blue bin

Oh, here’s my jokes.  Romney wants you to watch the Housewives of Utah…cause he believes marriage is between a man, and a woman, and a woman…

When you see the uber tanned Jersey mom? Do you hear ‘ I heard it through the Grapevine? ’I do cause that dancing raison is done.

John

Hey I am just working on this one for a script for Rocka on @Beckinfield...yeah...my neighbor did the brazil butt lift. Now her butt is up in Venesuelia and looks Caracus.

The stand up comic routine Manny is going to do at Caroline's in the City this summer.

Chelsea Handler

Really? This is all you two have got?

John wakes up…jerks up in bed.  Actually compared to my vampire, non-sucking Twilight dream….that dream was pretty good.

The Happy News Network

The Happy News Network

The sea breeze sways the sea oats on the white sand dunes across from the porch where John sits with his laptop. He’s trying to write an idea for a commercial for Bloody Hell Chips. Aunt Margaret is saying something as she dusts the wicker furniture.

TEXT MESSAGE FROM DAVID

Whatup! Sooo now that we worked a bit with Consolidated Freight, Storage and Corn-based Chips…we did the formal pitch and got the account.

TEXT TO DAVID

COOL

TEXT FROM DAVID

Yeah but, already Stacey talks to me in Hebrew about how well we work together

TEXT TO DAVID

Good news too…no?

TEXT TO JOHN

No. She starts to talk about what it would be like to work on the account at another agency.

TEXT TO DAVID

Oh no, I really like writing on it. Hope it stays it’s sooo fun.

TEXT TO JOHN

Wrong it’s not fun. It’s money. So I say to her, don’t talk Hebrew to me. Talk money. But anyway I’m good here so don’t talk to me about this.

TEXT TO DAVID

But Stacey’s part of our gang…you know like our friend right?

TEXT TO JOHN

Come on. Look either our Bernie could be testing my loyalty through her or the other Bernie could have gotten to her and is trying to pull the people who could pull the account.

TEXT TO DAVID

Well remember if you go… pull me too…you made me an honary Heb when I marched for Israel with you in front of the UN. I’m only kidding, I like our Bernie.

TEXT TO JOHN

Well don’t. Don’t kid. Don’t talk about leaving or anything to anyone. They’ll use friends to get you.

TEXT TO DAVID

My friend? Well that would be u Stein. But the good news is we got the account…rights? 8-p

TEXT FROM DAVID

Right

AUNT MARGARET fixing a lamp shade

So wouldn’t that be what you people would call way cool?

JOHN

What?

AUNT MARGARET

A Happy News Network.  Pretty or Handsome Newscasters come on. I’m having a wonderful day. Are you? And then it’s all about telling happy news stories. People saving dogs, people being kind to each other.

John keys in on his lap top

Client: Consolidated Freight and Corn-based Chips

TV: 30 Sec

Title: Bloody Hell Chips and The Happy News Network

Handsome News Team

Male

I’m having a marvelous day. It’s warm, the flowers are blooming and my neighbor saved my dog.

Male newscaster smiles at his anchor team mate

Woman

I’m having t-h-e best hair day.

They both look started as a teenage boy pulls up a chair between them, opens a bag of  Bloody Hell Chips. He farts and bursts into flames.

ANNOUNCER

Bloody Hell Chips, you’ll fart flames.

JOHN SENDS TV SCRIPT TO DAVID

What do you think?

AUNT MARGARET

What do you think?

JOHN

The Happy News Network?  I like it.

TEXT FROM DAVID

 The Happy News Network. I’m forwarding it to Keith UBER Creative Director I LIKE IT