What a B-hole.

Everyone has met an a-hole. But only The Seaside Bagel Shop could produce a b-hole.

B-hole

'You want or not...?'

Customer in front of John

'...well you don't have much to choose from...'

B-hole

'Delivery is late. U want or not...go some place else.'

Customer in front of John

'Not very nice...'

B-hole

'Not very nice back at you...'

Customer leaves the store. B-hole turns to John.

'She says not very nice to me. So I say not very nice to her. Go some place else.'

John

'Ummmm. I'll have the poppy seed. Then I can look like I have cavities in my front teeth.'

B-hole

'What you talking. No cavities. Cavities are not funny.'

B-hole

'You have nice teeth...thin surfer-boyman and blond...you from Norway?'

John

'Noooo. I'm an American.'

B-hole

'I'm an American too. You don't have to look like you be an American.'

John

'I agree...'

B-hole

'Good or you don't get bagels here.'

John

'I don't want to fight. I just want a good bagel...like they make in New York.'

B-hole

'I don't like New York. To much gibber, gibber. Speak English I say.'

John

'I don't care...'

B-hole

'Not you care. Me, me, me. Learn English. Be American or go some place else.'

John takes bagel.

'Thanks.'

B-hole

'You very nice.'

John as he is walking out.

'I was raised to be nice.'

B-hole

'I raised nice too. People don't like...go some place else.'

John

'See ya.'

Well, that was exhausting John thinks.

Email Subject: No more 'k' emails

Dave is staring at some new copy ideas on John's computer when an email alert comes from the Creative Director Keith.

Email subject:  No more 'k' emails.

John clicks on it and he and Dave read.

Keith's email

When I send you an email, I know you got it. so I don't need an email response from you saying 'thanks' or 'k'.  I know it's o.k. with you since I am your boss.

I want to see you and David in the Creative Director's Office...that would be my office. Not yours. Not David's.

David

'He's pissed over missing the wedgie meeting.'

John

'He was away...'

They walk to Keith's office. As they walk in and sit down, Keith throws a picture of someone getting a wedgie with a headline: 'Up yours.' and the Timber Underwear logo.

Keith

'How did this happen?'

David points at the wedgie photo

"that guy musta pissed some guy off...'

Keith

'I'm not laughing. The client saw this and likes it.'

David

"I joked about showing the strength of the underwear by showing a wedgie..you know cause the wedgie video of the spokesperson was already on the Internet...and I jokingly turned to John and asked for a headline.'

John

',,,and I said up yours...and that new blonde account person who...I thought Stacey and Blythe were on the account...anyway she loved it... loved it.'

Keith

'She's on the account. Stacey is off.  She, Britney, submitted it to the client and now has a great relationship with the client for getting 'out there' creative from you two. Which is my freaking job. Get it.'

John

'This business sucks and not in a good way.'

Britney sticks her head in Keith's office.

'I suck...and in a good way.'

Keith laughs loud and jumps up to shake Britney's hand.

Keith gestures to John and Dave

'We're done guys...thanks.'

John and Dave walk back to John's office.

John

'You know I'm sick of this. I live my whole life honestly. He always thinks all his people are up to something...trying to get ahead or do his job...'

Dave

'Cause he got ahead that way...'

John interrups. His computer just beeped that there's an email.

'...oh look...it's from Keith. Ooo, and it was sent to both of us.'

Email from Keith.

Guys, Britney and I have hit it off. We're gonna handle the copy and the art on the Timber Underwear account. You guys have enough work.

John to Dave

'I'm gonna call out sick tomorrow. I'm gonna go surfing and they are gonna pay for it.'

Dave

'Don't tell them that. Just do it. So how are we gonna answer the email. Oh, that's right, he doesn't want us to answer his email...'

John

'I've got this...'

John types his email and sends it to Keith.

Email: John to Keith

'k'

An actor's L.Q. drops because of a wedgie video?

Bernie Email: My office, now! emergency wedgie meeting.  

Blythe, John, David and Stacey file into Bernie's office. It's a no fun, all business space-especially compared with Creative.

Bernie

'...we are here to discuss the falling likability quotient of an actor whose name we know very well but will refer to as Actor X so as to remind ourselves not to mention his name negatively beyond this meeting...'

John

'...what?'

Bernie

'What? What. Actor X put a video of himself giving someone a wedgie on some Internet site and now his likabiity quotient is falling lower than you're damned sagger jeans...for God sakes man wear a belt.'

Blythe

'...likability quotient...the social skills and emotional competencies of an actor that make him or her likable-L.Q for short.'

David mumbles

'...yours is like negative 10...'

Blythe

'What?'

David

'He's the spokesperson for what account again?'

Bernie

'For God's sakes David. Timber underwear. Timber underwear.'

Bernie to John

'...and have you thought of a slogan yet.'

John mumbles to himself.

'Timber underwear, where to find wood.'

Blythe smiles super sweetly

'What?'

John

'What?'

Stacey smiles sarcastically and glances at David

'That speaks to me. Women buy most of the men's underwear...'

David

'She better not. I buy my own underwear...'

Bernie at Stacey and David

'No dating. No love in this office. You two should be like John...no love just work, work, work. This agency is a creative factory. We produce.'

John

'...I love...'

Bernie

'I know this thing with Jesus...or dating Jesus...'

John

'I have a relationship with God...'

Bernie to John and then everyone.

'I'm being nice here. Everyone shut up. So do we replace Actor X as the spokesperson for Timber Underwear.'

Blythe

'We don't. I have more good news. First, the... in the video, he's giving a wedgie to a man...not a woman.

Bernie throws his hands up.

Blythe

'Well Stacy is right. Much apologies David. Women do buy most of the men's underwear...when they are in a relationship with a man. So, had he put up a video of him pulling a woman's thong over a woman's head, let's say, that would be.'

John entranced

'...awesome...'

Stacey to John.

'What?'

John to Stacey

'What?'

Bernie

'...is the freaking likability quotient going up or down...'

Blythe

'...up, up, up. Because Actor X has also arranged a photo-opt opportunity of himself bringing water to a neighborhood with mostly boarded up houses in Detroit.'

David

'...an actor bringing water to the people's of Detroit...not Africa?'

Blythe

'...he lives in Chicago...Africa's too far.'

Bernie

'So this wedgie incident is behind us...'

Bernie shoots a nasty glance to David to not say a word.

Blythe gleefully

'Yuppers.'

Bernie

'Then let's get back to work.'

Blythe jumps up to skip back to her desk.

'Happy thoughts-all.'

David

'She deserves a wedgie.'

John

'That would be less than awesome.'

Independence Day: Wounded Warrior Surfer

The sun rises like a coward on Independence Day. It hides in a thick mist beyond the small area of the ocean that you can see. John puts his surfboard down and glances around at the empty beach, charcoal etches of barely visable buildings and boardwalk. And like a ghost, he comes into view on the boardwalk. The guy who watches John surf. Today, he's in some military jacket. Broad-shouldered, his jacket leads down to a long normal leg and a silver one--it seems- from the knee down.

John waxes his surf board and heads out to the area of the ocean near the massive pilings of the Casino pier that hold the amusement rides above. Looking like a bare, old-growth forest, the pilings change the lay of the beach, and so, how the waves break. No wonder it's a favorite surfing spot.

Deep down, every surfer is an eternal optimist...thinking 'I'll just wait for the nextwave to take.' So John paddles out and lays on the surfboard to wait. His board rises up on smooth wave crests and down into troughs between waves. Up on the crests, he sees the boardwalk and soldier watching him...down in the troughs between waves...only misty sea. The up and down motion of the ocean lulls John's eyes closed as the ocean gently washes over his feet and legs.

He groggily opens an eye as he's coming off a crest and is surprised. He doesn't see the soldier on the boardwalk as the ocean rises in front of him. He's startled when he hears a voice next to him-it's the wounded soldier. He's in shorts made from a cut-off uniform and HE's on a....surfboard?!

Soldier

'You're messed up...'

John

'What?'

Soldier

'You heard me.'

John

'I...I wasn't staring at your leg...'

Soldier laughing

'Wasn't talking about my leg. Although, now that you siad that...that was messed up too...of course you stare at it...so do I think....like where did it go?  But what I'm saying is you are messed up.'

John

'k'

Soldier

'It's not 'k' or o.k.'

John decides to wait for an answer.

Soldier

'You're surfing way too close to this pier. And you do it every day. And every day when the lifeguards come on they blow a whistle at you to move away from the pier. What do-ya-have a death wish?'

The soldier's eyes have such intelligence in them. They reveal a personaly that demands the truth and isn't afraid of it.

John

'The ocean breaks differently near the pier.'

Soldier

'Your head will break too if it hits one of those pilings.  You could drown. And I know you aren't into suicide...not if you're wearing that cross...'

Soldier waves his finger.

'...suicide's not allowed.'

John

'...I'm not trying to kill myself...I'm just looking to catch a good wave.'

Soldier

'Well...that's good. 'Cause I'd hate to think I've been watching a coward.'

John

'I'm no coward. I just told you I'm trying to get the best wave.'

Soldier

'Well, that's good. 'Cause sometimes it takes courage to face the day...especially if you've suffered a loss.'

John

'k. And you're creeping me out a little.'

Soldier

'...why do I know you lost someone...I attend St Catherine's. Prayers for people to get better -even by an entire congregation -don't always work. But since your dad was a marine...like me. And marines never leave anyone behind.,,'

John

'Sooo...'

Soldier

'So I'm telling you to get the heck away from the pier. Besides, you're gonna help me learn how to surf with this foot.

They turn and paddle away from the pier. John thinks out loud.

John

'If we put a strap across the front of your surfboard, you could hook your metal foot under it and steer and shift your weight with your other, normal leg.'

Soldier

'That's a plan. You see, sometimes in life...you just have to give yourself a reason to get up son.'

With that, the sun breaks through the salty mist....just enough to make the world -beyond them- seem clearer.