John, David, Girl Patel, Stacey, Adjin and Patty take a seat
at a little comedy venue in New York City.
Patty to John
Nervous?
John
Well, Jessica thought what I wrote was funny. I hope the
audience agrees. I told her I only wrote one other stand up routine.
Adjin
Well, it’s on her to bring it too.
John
I know but she just lost her job with Bernie after….working
for him a long time.
The kinda spot lights come on and a skinny man comes on
stage and walks to a big old microphone on a stand.
Skinny Man preens as if modeling his body.
Heroin chic . You like’n it?
The audience applauds.
Skinny Man
Well, we got a couple of newbies tonight. So here’s your
chance to squash someone’s dreams. Bastards.
Audience laughs. Someone yells out:
my pleasure
Skinny man
Skinny man
First up we have the…I’m guessing, the at one time, lovely
Jessica Stein.
Bernie’s former assistant marches on stage like she’s
leading an army. She’s all alone in the spot light.
Jessica Stein
Thanks for the intro…you strong woman-hating piece of…
I promised my writer I wouldn’t curse a lot. He’s a
Cath-o-lic. Stand up Joh…I mean Jose. Blonde haired John stands up. He’s wearing a surfer shirt.
Jessica Stein
I have to change his name to protect him. He still works
where I used to. Yup, my boss came to me with a lovely suggestion. I look up
from my desk, there’s my boss, Bernie,
with a blonde. He points at my desk and says to the blonde…you sit
there. I’m thinking ooo, after 10 years I’m finally getting my own office. So I
ask: where do I sit? Bernie says: anywhere you want. I think nice. But not
nice. He says: you’re fu…
Jessica looks at John
f-ing fired.
Audience boos.
Ah, but this is a tale of two Bernie’s.
Audience member calls out
It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.
Jessica Stein
What are you, a liberal arts major from NY Jew, I mean U.
Audience member calls out
Yes
Jessica Stein
Liberal Arts huh? You employed.
Audience member calls out
No
Jessica Stein
Get used to that.
Audience laughs
Jessica Stein
Like I said this is a tale of two
bernies. And they hate each other. My Bernie’s family’s illustrious history
involves running around the plains of Russia being raped by Vikings. The Bernie
I now work for comes from Sutton Place. And lives on Park Avenue. Acts all
WASPy like.
To John
You must meet him some time Joh I
mean Jose.
Audience member calls out
Why Jose?
Jessica Stein
Hey, I’m trying to come off like
an ethnic comedy team here. God knows
Jews used to be ethnic…before that damned Joan Rivers kept getting face
lifts and blonder hair till she resembles some Pilgrim that came over on the
Mayflower. Oh, please. What mortuary is doing her make-up?
Audience laughs
I know, I know Joan. It’s hard to
get the MidWest to buy your shi…
Jessica Stein gestures to John
…your lovely pieces on Home
Shopping Network. And ladies, the bracelet goes with the ring, goes with I love
to wear two bracelets and that goes with more rings and more plastic surgery.
Anyway, transition, Greenwich Village,
congrats on the marriage equality act.
Audience applauds
Jessica Stein
Ellen Degenerous will be
celebrating with flannel shirt day.
Audience laughs and boos.
Jessica Stein
Oh, I know Lesbos. You don’t always wear flannel shirts. In
the summer, you cut off the sleeves. It’s a styling flannel vest. Cover Girl my
as…Actually ladies I do use Cover Girl inspired by Ellen. I put make up on my
butt. Tip of the day ladies, a darker shade on the sides of the thighs is very
slimming. That and screwing in a windowless room with no lights on. Oh course
if my Jewish men go down on me when I’m wearing make up down there they come up
with a brown face. Kinda looking like Bill Cosby only Black.
Audience laughs
Jessica Stein
Ah Lesbians. Good luck for all you do. I do want to give
props to the female truck drivers out there. For your work in kicking the ass
of serial killer truck drivers who are killing hitch hiking females. Those
perverted men.
She gestures to a table of women. She begins to stroke her neck and upper body
Jessica Stein
Those men. Touching our women…gaining their trust. Thrusting
themselves on them. Sounds like a Saturday night at No Man’s Land right ladies. Of course I'm Bi. Bi 3am I'll go home with anyone.
Jessica Stein
Anyway, at a tender, middle age, I’m off to work for the
other Bernie. Don’t laugh. I am middle aged. I have every intention of living
to 120. Anyway, you’re only as young as you feel. I feel younger since I don’t
talk to Jose every day. Oh yes. He wasn’t being mean. That made it worst. He’d
come to me and say: Hey, I just discovered this great actor on American Horror:
Dylan McDermott.
Jessica gestures to John
Do you remember saying that?
John covers his face laughing in shame.
Jessica Stein
Oh, no. It gets worst. Ever heard of him? So I say: Dylan
McDermott might have done something before American Horror. Then he says, and I
discovered this other actress: Mia Farrow.
Audience laughs
Jessica Stein
Ever heard of her? I googled The Great Gatsby and she came
up. I watched the movie and she was an awesome Daisy. I said really? She might have been before my
time. He doesn’t get the sarcasm. So I suggest he google: Woody Allen movies.
She gestures to John
Jessica Stein
And did you?
John nods
Jessica Stein
And did you remember not to just google Woody…cause that
will get you pictures of Anthony Weiner. He’s got my vote. And my email
apparently.
You can google Madonna too. She was big 10 years before you
were born.
She looks at John
Jessica Stein
What are you doing? Giving me the finger. Oh, you’ll holding
up two fingers. Oh, Madonna was big 20 years before you were born. Bastard!
Just then a waitress brings John a drink.
Jessica Stein
Miss, miss, don’t serve him. It’s what? Oh, it’s just Pepsi.
Not Diet Pepsi. Oh, no why would you drink a diet drink. You’re young. You’ll
burn off the sugar. I hate you. And don’t
worry. If Bernie fires you for writing this stuff, hey you live at the Jersey
shore. You’ve got skills for the boardwalk. Hey people….you wanna go faster? I’m
not knocking you saying that to the riders. I use the same line with the men in
my bedroom. Different tone. Hey, ya wanna go faster?
She slaps her stomach.
Jessica Stein
Get on. Get off this ride. We got people waiting in line for
this ride. Of course, most of the people waiting to ride me are on a day outing
from the Shady Rest Nursing Home but…ya know they bring gifts. I never have to buy my own jello. Thank you
Shady Rest.
Jessica Stein
And Bernie didn’t win. I did go sit where I wanted. At the
competition. You see, Bernie was arrogant to let me go cause he’s in with the
clients. But he didn’t realize I’m in with a higher power: the Jewish wives of
the clients. And they don’t like the blonde Miss thing.
Good luck with that bro. I’m not going to answer your phone
in three rings. I’m gonna pull your damned accounts. Well. That’s my set.
She points at John. And that’s my writer. Stand up.
John stands up. Jessica leaves the stage.
John goes to leave.
David grabs his arm.
Where are you going buddy?
John
To the bathroom…fast.
